bit by bit, i’m growing tired of speaking english. it seems artificial, feels like i’m constantly mocking myself. i wish everyone could just speak my mother tongue. polish is yielding, rustling, resilient, demanding and descriptive; this is the language of diminutives and double negatives. there are so many states of mind, hues, sounds, tones, textures; if i latch them all into one language, how can i fully let them out in another? it is true, though, that speaking english is often more effortless, disobliging even: when i speak polish, the moment i articulate, assemble sounds into syllables, words, sentences, they become tangible, acquire a certain shape and texture, linger on. i’m fully respoinsible for the things i say. when i speak english, the words are fluid, wash off, float away (?) they’re somehow distant, rather unrelatable. easy, but unrelatable. it reminds me of that unbearable lightness kundera wrote so beautifully about. when i pretend to be someone else (i often do this before i fall asleep), i switch to english and sometimes french; they’re transitory. when i describe my state of mind, i usually use english because it’s way more simple; i detach myself from the things i want to throw out of my mind, i’m reporting, disengaging, evading the tangled core of things. but when it comes to actually writing about something, anything, english is inflexible, relentless and rigid; the syntax is merciless, so is word formation. spanish, on the other hand, is often helpful. it feels like me. my knowledge of this language had been limited to poetic metaphors for a long time, that’s why i often think in spanish poetry. poetry is always helpful. still when i use a foreign language, i often feel like i misplace things, like i’m missing the point, trying to deceive god only knows who and why; and that is quite problematic considering the fact i aspire to become a translator. i suck at feelings, i suck at making feelins sound right, i suck at making feelings sound; i’m helpless, trapped and limited (ludwig w., you were right indeed)