• Reddit (i know..) 12 years ago
• u/RhiDontMind in r/asktransgender
• Title: The death of your ‘old self’.
• So, l've been in the process of transition for over a year now, HRT for 4 months, and I was doing some reflection tonight about who I was versus who I am.
• I'm not full time or anything yet. I also have no aversion to who I was. I liked my life for the most part and have no desire to set all my old pictures ablaze or anything like that. I always thought the whole, "The person you were is not going to exist anymore and you will change" was a bit melodramatic.
• Yet, as the partner and I talked and I was reflecting on it, I feel as if my former self has actually ceased to exist or die. And not in the same way that my 19 year old self was a different person than my 25 year old self. I feel as if I'm more fundamentally different. My way of talking has even changed (Even if my voice practice has been none existent), my body language is definitely different (sometimes on purpose, but mostly not) and *I would even wager that my thought processes are very much different.
• What is everyone else's thoughts on this change? Did it occur to you? Are you on HRT and how long? I feel a little sadness at this loss. Not exactly that I want that 'me' back, more just the permanence of it, if that makes any sense. I guess a sense of grief? I can only imagine what my partner is going through some days. Anyone else feel a sense of loss with it too?

something about some parts of this post really speak to me. in a way i can’t exactly explain. i know it’s prob a common or typical way to think of the version of yourself before you acknowledged your transness, but i thought this was more introspective and helped me think. i couldn’t help but think earlier that at 16-17 when my epiphany moment happened that was when me, ‘the girl’ died and when me, as a new person was born. in my new infancy i had to hide, until the world was ready for my stumbling again. but it was almost like reincarnation in a sense. despite the message i firmly believe that objects don’t contain gender identities, sometimes those cultural wires don’t get beat out by a college degree. so for me to only quite acknowledge my love for cute things that i had as a child again as a 20 something, it’s not like ‘the girl’ died, fully, it’s not that at all. it’s what pushes me to an idea of fluidity. something i know a minimal amount about. let’s delve into that another day though…