- Just when you think you can't stand to hear another Christmas carol, here I come with a holiday treat that will make you actually appreciate the insanity of the Yuletide season. Wrap this CD as a gift to yourself, pretend you forgot what it is and act surprised when you open it. Close your eyes and imagine you're with me at my house Christmas morning listening to favorite carols.
- What better music to open your Xmas stocking with than "Fat Daddy"?! Fat Daddy, Baltimore's one-time coolest rhythm and blues disc jockey, host of "Negro Day" on "The Buddy Deane Show," and my inspiration for the Motor Mouth Maybelle character in "Hairspray." He never sounded so lovely, so cheery, so ripe to be asked over for eggnog. Maybe Tiny Tim could join us. No Mrs. Miller, this eccentric but brilliant performer may have been a novelty act in his day, but when he sings "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" like a Christmas canary, he's no joke in my house.
- Of course, some of us get neurotically religious during the holiday season, so "Happy Birthday Jesus (A Child's Prayer)" by scary Little Cindy will be just perfect to play if Christian guilt ever creeps into your celebration. Listen to this child's voice; so godawful, so devout, so beautiful, so perfect. No second take in the recording booth for this motley moppet! Little Cindy regrets nothing and neither should you.
- A lot of my Baltimore friends might be described as "extreme white people" so I hope you don't mind if I invite a few of them over to join us. They especially like to get drunk and sing-a-long with "Here Comes Fatty Claus" and complain about future bankruptcy because of gift giving. Of course, some of these guests get the "whirlies" and are unable to stand up without falling down so I put on the crippled Christmas carol "Little Mary Christmas" and we all shed a tear over the pathologically maudlin orphan who "hobbled back to her room" after being passed up for adoption year after year.
- But who needs to feel sad at Christmas, right? Especially when Big Dee Irwin and Little Eva belt out "I Wish You a Merry Christmas" in a soulfully obscure Christmas greeting that makes me wish I had their heirs' home addresses so I could wish them a merry one, too. Of course, not all of our friends could make it over here today, so when we listen to the melancholy "Santa! Don't Pass Me By" and think about that country singer hitching a ride with Santa to get home for Christmas, I bet you'll feel like picking him up and buying him a present all on your own.
- I can't help it, I have the hots for The Chipmunks. We all have a type, what can I say? When these mischievous little friends take a "Sleigh Ride," I feel so happy, so aggressive that I want to get dressed as Santa, go out and scare the neighbors. Just when I think no Christmas song could be any closer to my heart, I hear the nasal good cheer of "Sleigh Bells, Reindeer and Snow" and wish I could get a stuffy nose. I fix everybody another cocktail and we sit back, count our blessing and marvel at the almost cinematic use of the musical instrument, the theremin, in "First Snowfall." I remind my guests that being alone can sometimes be so peaceful.
- But hey, it's time for turkey dinner so what better way to say grace than to play with my old time favorite Kwanza carol, "Santa Claus is a Black Man." Here it is, the motherload of crackpot Xmas carols, the 45rpm record I hunted for my whole life and recently bought on eBay at a great deal of personal expense just so you could hear it too. Yes, Akim, there is a Santa Claus and he'll always be black in my mind because of your liberating, endearing vocal. Just thinking about this holiday song makes me feel as if I could spontaneously combust.
- Have a merry, rotten, scary, sexy, biracial, ludicrous, happy little Christmas.
- See you next year.
- John Waters
dec 27 2013 ∞
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dec 27 2013 +