I don't think I can ever escape the cycle my life exists in; that cycle being the state of health and what it eventually does to drive away the people I care about

Most times I don't even know who to consider as my friend. Sure there are a few select people I know I can count on, but they're so far away from me and yet... there are those friends that I feel like I have to constantly impress. At this point I think impressing people and trying to please them is imbedded in my nature. When it comes down to it, I'm left with the lingering feeling of loneliness and eventually isolation.

Looking back, there are moments where I can actually remember actively causing a separation in my relationships. Most noticeably when I go through particularly paralyzing depressive episodes. Where no matter what I can't bring myself to do anything and more often than not creates a void in my brain that fosters harsh experiences of derealisation and/or disassociation.

So where does this leave me? Well I already feel disconnected on a daily basis. That's why people can't stick to me - I think. I'm too much of slippery surface and I overall just make it hard for some to stick around.

I don't think I'll ever find "my people." Whenever I do, something changes- either them or me- and we drift apart. Those changes more often than not have to do with my health but thankfully sometimes it's because of my genuine growth as a person.

The thing is, when I do feel my self slipping into a self-medicated state of grey mental and physical space, I can't muster up anything to stop it from affecting me.

I think I'm mostly writing this because I feel like I'm losing a significant friendship I made over the course of some tough few months. I can't be sure though. My brain makes the lines blurry, and as person that reads between them as a form of survival, I can't hold on to anything. So I guess I'm doomed on a solitary path.

I am the people that love me. I do not love anything enough, therefore those that love me are the only thing that ground me. I need that, as proof of my existence. If I haven't gotten this across yet, it's important to let it be known that: I have no sense of my reality. Which makes it hard for me to find shelter in a world that -frankly- is ever so slowly leaving me debilitated.

To sum up how I feel constantly, it's like looking from the outside in.

When I'm fairly okay it's not as bad, but that's rarely.

The thing is that I can't find my stability. My health pushes people away -no matter how edgy and pathetic that sounds- and I need those people for the sake of keeping my head above the water.

Maybe I just don't know what a friendship is? Or a healthy relationship with a person of any kind, for that matter. Like most times I just want to be a kid, and do things with my friends every Friday, like I should be. Like how my mom tells me I should before I can't enjoy my youth anymore.

But I feel 100+ years old. I feel jaded both physically and mentally. I can't do those types of things. I can't go to school like the rest of the kids I know, and I definitely cannot connect with most of them. So that ends up debilitating me even more.

I just want to exist. Not in my past, not in the future. Those things are not real anymore. I can't travel time and therefore those concepts are just thoughts. They are not physical things I can experience. But the fact that I can acknowledge that never changes anything within me. And I remember how many things were stripped away from me, and how I'm probably scared of feeling like a real thing because at one point I did- but I was young- and I'm not that anymore. Not a kid despite my age, and forever on the outside looking in.

So I'm just kinda left with this really sad mixture of having a playful spirit that is constantly reprimanded by a much older and faded version of me. Idk. That all sounded extra stupid.

What I want feels so far away from me. Just some nights with my friends playing dumb shit and talking about absolutely nothing and everything. People I can laugh with and express myself with without simultaneously having an out-of-body experience. I wish I wasn't always tired and wired at the same time.

As for those few people that still think about me, I wish I could experience things fully with you guys. And on some good occasions I'm able to, and I always feel happy about those times, and I wish they could be more present.