It's hard to put yourself out there. I'd like to think that every day I'm taking a step towards something potentially better, but on days like these it gets hard to live for anything at all. Some things are out of my control, but you'd think that for the few things I can control I wouldn't mess around. Yet for the few things I can control, I can't get myself to care. Even when I do, it takes me a while to get to things, and mostly it's because I lack the energy, and just the will. I'm so tired, and so lost. I really do feel stuck, I'm not sure where to turn.

I think about the people I admire and the love I have for them, a love that will probably forever be fostered in my heart even well into my aging. I think about what it takes to be who and what they are, how do you get there?

I think about what I would say to them, a small moment I might never have. I think...

Tomorrow are the SAT's and my brother is planning on moving.

I'm trying not to think too much about tomorrow, and I'm trying not to dismiss myself already but I just know it wont be great. Besides that I guess I can't really say much. At least I'm a bit prepared, but if those practice tests are anything to go by, I can't really expect to do so good.

Anyway, I really am I trying to not put that much weight on it; if I don't do good I can always retake it.

My brother moving is a scary thought, because although it's clear he needs his own space, the thought that I wont see my brother everyday at one point in my life is terrifying. After things, in my view, starting clearing up or improving between us, he's off to do some other things. It might not happen yet, but it will eventually and idk. I can't accept any of this.

This year is off to a bad start. I watched Akira (1988) and man I loved that movie. Maybe I'll read the manga. Maybe not a terrible start, but movies are just a way to cope, like it can only "help" so much.

Anyway, man I kinda wish I lived in post-apocalyptic Neo Tokyo with a gang of bikers that's made up of my closest pals.

I hate this. I hate this place, nothing feels good at all. I really need to pick it up if I want to end the school year at least passable enough that I don't ruin my GPA. I hate it man, every day here is a day I'm wasting. Even school is hard at this point, which for me every thing is hard, but like it keeps getting worse.

I should go to bed. I should wake up tomorrow and make sure that I finish things on time. Man what the hell. How do I do this. I wanna leave, I'm so dull and unhappy. Nothing even like releases dopamine in...

I know that I have a materialistic nature, and overall I just like things.

I think that because of this, I expect material things to help me grow as a person and fulfill me. And while it's not bad to receive something you want every now and then, I often find my goals only involving materialistic gains instead of personal achievements. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I have no direction these days, and I literally only think about clothes and things. But it's also important to note that I might only be thinking about clothes because I'm in desperate need of new clothing after I grew out of half my wearable wardrobe and currently wear the same 2 or 3 things all the time. Still, today I feel stuck in myself, like I can't enjoy anything or be or just exist. I haven't been doing any school stuff lately which is bad, but the pain in my body overtakes any small motivation and ...

-moving to Florida -Halloween -not buying clothes -school grades -isolation -selling piano

I guess first of all I want to talk about how Halloween nears and I still don't have any plans much less feel like having fun. That overall feeling has been true for the major part of October. I wanted to be a cowboy this year, and it's still attainable but idk if I should even bother dressing up. I wish I was feeling the way I was last year around this time.

October during last year I was probably preparing for my small party thing and indulging in the feeling of fall and the halloween atmosphere. But I can't even get in that mindset lately. Or maybe I was going to doctors appointment and stressing out about public school things. Idk if I can face Caitlyn and Kylee this way. I don't want to bum them out, and I just don't know what we would do if we were to hang...

I'm not sure what my goals are anymore. Definitely finish school but after that I can't even begin to think.

Anyway, I can't recall if I've expressed this before but sometimes I get that distinct sensation of living a "double life" or maybe its more like living a life far away from that of other people.

Anyone could say that cause like everyone acts different around different people, but I mean more than that. It's weird looking a Raul's social media these days. I've tried to stop logging in on Facebook to stalk his page but I can't help and be intrigued.

Once upon a time I was younger than him, and I still am by age but by what I can measure, that feeling of 'knowing more' I get around certain people in my old life, I also feel when looking at those Facebook / Instagram posts of him. Which sounds dumb because social media can only tell ...

Here's a thought: Maybe if you're being treated like a punching bag it's because you're treating those people like punching bags.

I'm not sure if I've said this before but I feel like a liability in any and every experience that occurs in my life, lol. Anyway I'm mad and I feel like a soggy and dirtied candy wrapper. Waste. Shit lmao. I hate how hypocritical people can be. I hate how much I'm overlooked and yet I can't get away from situations. I don't have the control I need and these people that take it away from me expect it back tenfolds. Fuck em lol. Anyway, this summer is really something.

I guess I shouldn't expect things from people, that's on me completely. I've been so utterly sick from trying so hard, and after assessing various aspects of my life, a lot of that is coming to light. I keep thinking it's just my age, the current...

I don't feel like writing in my journal, so I'll type and vent here instead. Finals season, as in for those who are in school, is always a stressful time for me. Whenever the season comes along I prove myself right by having unnecessary melt-downs before important deadlines and getting reckless. I will use the excuse that in an unfortunate turn of events, I was taken by the neck (life took my by it) and jangled back and forth until I threw up. At least that's what it felt like. Or maybe a better metaphor would be an icey sensation. I felt like I was flung into negative-degree waters and forced to swim to an invisible shore while my lungs gave out. Things never work out the way you want them to, that much I try to keep in mind at all times now, in order to keep myself from clinging to anything.

But out of all the things life throws at me this one felt too cruel. Of course I c...

Moving is a strange experience that I feel most people if not everyone has had to go through at some point. I feel like everyone can identify it as a transitioning period but it really can be defining of a certain period of your life and the absurdity of that has been a growing thought in the back of my mind for a while now.

I'm not sure how my brother moving will pan out, if it will work out or if it'll be a disaster and he'll end up moving back home again, but either way. The thought that I won't always live with my family has taken root in my head and it depresses me.

On my bad days, the really bad ones, sometimes all I really need is to walk out of my room and they will say something or just be there and the safety and care I feel so absent of will come back to me. They won't always be close, one day they won't be there at all and that makes me thin...

slowly I think I've come to a point where I can finally and freely explore my interests. Sometimes I'm still apprehensive, but for the most part I've learned to redefine things for myself and learned to enjoy things for myself.

that being said, there's still much progress to be made, but I guess that's just my weight.

It's hard to think of myself without these things that I've attached myself to over the years. I always feel like I have this abstract view of life, where like I can't live it fully, because I can't project my interest with the people I interact with. Thankfully there are exceptions, with a few select people that I feel comfortable with to a point where I can even share these interest and not feel like it's going to be turned around on me or something that's gonna be taken advantage of.

Sometimes I forget how hard is, to be ope...

I really am nostalgic for the earlier days in my short life. Which is something almost everyone can agree on- missing the "good ol' days" and such.

I guess it doesn't help that I spend my time trying to recreate old feelings and watch old things and usually only appreciate old things which leads me to surround myself by old things. And by old things, I mean things in my early childhood. Those things can range anywhere from shows/movies, toys, the old internet, my old home, previous holidays, and I think just that feeling of my old life that I get when I reminisce on my early childhood.

Sometimes I can't help wonder what way my life would have develop if I had stayed back home. How I would've developed. I guess it doesn't help that when I arrived here I was disconnected to things familiar to me in both physical aspects (like my new house and a new town) and also by men...

I guess it's my doing, for giving myself to people who might not think much about me, but I really do feel forgotten and betrayed. Sometimes I resent where I grew up and how I grew up, it's bitter to me because it uncovered a lot of ugly realities about me.

but mostly I resent how isolating the reality is.

People don't owe me anything, and I don't want them to feel like they do. But they don't care about me enough to tell me truths and don't care enough to be clear on their intentions, and that deeply hurts me and makes dully angry.

There's not much I can do at this point, about these feelings of anger and betrayal. To be completely honest, I just feel defeated and at worst bitter. The worst part is they all got the good end of the bargain and all I was left with was another stripped part of my trust and the re-eme...

it sucks because I'm already disenchanted with my existence and my life. and then on those few occasions that life is supposed to be heightened (holidays)things go bad those days too and I'm left feeling the same as always.

my birthday this year was awful. today was awful, and I truly feel completely isolated and alone.

how am I supposed to be loved. with all my baggage and average features who would settle for me? who would look at my pathetic existence and genuinely love me. am I ever gonna stop feeling like a shell of my former self. am I ever gonna wins someones unyielding loyalty and affection? am I ever gonna not feel like dust. am I ever gonna look at myself and feel real?

will I have regrets like my mom? will I be left wondering what "could have been" for the rest of my short life? will I ever be able to feel okay around the people I...

I don't think I can ever escape the cycle my life exists in; that cycle being the state of health and what it eventually does to drive away the people I care about

Most times I don't even know who to consider as my friend. Sure there are a few select people I know I can count on, but they're so far away from me and yet... there are those friends that I feel like I have to constantly impress. At this point I think impressing people and trying to please them is imbedded in my nature. When it comes down to it, I'm left with the lingering feeling of loneliness and eventually isolation.

Looking back, there are moments where I can actually remember actively causing a separation in my relationships. Most noticeably when I go through particularly paralyzing depressive episodes. Where no matter what I can't bring myself to do anything and more often than not creates a void...

Having night talk shows play in the background as sit around my room after hours always makes me feel the weirdest way. I can't explain it, naturally, but it gives me this paradox-esc sensation.

It could be because the formula for talk shows don't really change, and no matter how much you love a talk show, you gotta admit they all basically follow a formula which gives them a feeling that mirrors other talk shows.

They're generic and cold, but comforting in a way that you feel when certain things don't change.

That could just be the vibe I get, of course. Regardless, the way I feel about talk shows made me reflect on today, and what an utterly wasted day it was.

This summer still doesn't feel like last years, but that may be because it isn't technically summer yet. I'm still 2 weeks due to school, and I have late work I sho...

I feel like sometimes I was forced to grow up quickly, which developed me weirdly. Then I was supposed to function like the rest of the kids around me. I moved away from the life I was raised on at a young age. Ever since then, I've grown debilitated and lost. My parents talk about moving again and I can't help but feel this big ball of lead settle in my throat. How do most kids feel at home? I feel off everywhere I go. Or I feel good but then something goes wrong that leaves me scarred and too different from before to go back and try again. I wish I could rewind time, but then I fear I could never move forward. I think I'm a giving person, but that often times leaves me and my thoughts alone which make me bitter. In those moments I wish someone would hold me. I don't think I can make a life for myself anymore.

My home is abstract and never solid enoug...

I usually keep a journal, but sometimes I like to take myself upon the urge to type. So here I am, not really knowing what this website is other than I like making lists. My name is Caroline and I'm fairly young. Unsure about too much. Thats how it is these days and for too long at this point.

I miss 2016. It's hard to think that it's already 2019. The year is still technically starting, but school ends soon so the juxtaposition kinda of makes me feel like 2018 is still ending.

Thinking back on it, it does feel like these last few years have moved kinda quick, but at the same time it feels like an eternity. At one point I should compile a list of events that have happened since around 2016 that have been significant to me, before I forget. Or it might be better to forget - idk.

Right now I really wish it was 2016, when weirdly enough things were kinda clear or at least more vivid. Although maybe if I could go back to that time in place, and be mindful of my thoughts during that time while still being aware enough to compare, its possible that I felt miserable in some other way then too.

Strangely enough I think that year is the...

I've found myself thinking that at one point in my life, most likely when I find my own way in the near future, I will most likely distance myself from my family. Which I guess in some cultures is normally accepted, but in my culture and especially in my family, its most definitely not exactly usual.

I love my family, and I appreciate that they've always been effortlessly close, but by that same coin it's hard to think about how that's not the case for me anymore. This goes mostly toward my immediate family, because I've lived far from my aunts and grandparents for a long enough time to be not entirely connected to them from the start.

I feel like what I feel towards my family is authentic to me and my specific situation. That's not to say other people don't seek to distance themselves from their families after a while, but more in the s...

It's been a bad month, it's hard to believe that it's almost over. But even more, it's been a bad year and it's even harder to believe that 2018 is almost over, and that next year things will continue changing for me and my last childhood summer approaches.

That thought came to me just now, and I don't want to think about it at the moment. I wonder what'll happen next year. This year was strange for me. A lot of things I never thought I would do happened and idk. I'd like to think that I learned something from it though.

I move farther away from the person I was as the years go on. I'm not sure if it's something about this year but I haven't been able to do anything but school this entire year. From January to soon enough December, my focus solely revolved on catching up on school and trying to make better choices than last year. Even in the s...

this might come off as melodramatic, but remember to be kind and the things that are in your nature. It's not crazy to say that your environment is largely negative (especially these days), so when you get drowned out by all that hurt just don't think it has to turn you inside-out.

These days, it feels like I've once again fallen from grace. It's a bad feeling every time it happens. The jealously and hate are the only things you see, and the pain in your body is felt tenfolds. Still, it would do you some good to remember that you're not a bad person, you're still just a kid, when you can you do more than you would when you can't. Shame is a powerful self-destructor, and you already feel this when you're in your usual state, there's no use aggravating the feeling when you feel hopeless and useless.

The fact that you're not conventional isn't inherently bad. The way these days and...

today was weird. I was supposed to work on school things but I haven't done anything. The quarter is almost over man how am I supposed to get stuff done. My body hurts. Tobuscus is streaming today, he even streamed Minecraft and that was so crazy. Today I did things that make me comfortable. Like I woke up late and now that I think about it this afternoon was actually really bad. But then I think it got better I mean I talked to my cousin, and watched some youtube, it snowed last night so overall the mood of the day was cozy, its October, I mean like idk. Im watching toby stream, watched South Park, ate out.

But I still feel strange and not in a good way (if that wasn't obvious). I feel embarrassed about talking to that kid. I shouldn't have intervened its not like they care lol. I think the fact that the end of the quarter is literally this Wednesda...

I feel like a clipped bird

I'm so confused these days. Spring mixes my mood with its unpredictable weather and all the strong winds. Nothing feels concrete when the year restarts. Somehow in the beginning months I feel just like the things around me. Where the hell have things gone? I don't know if anyone knows what I mean, and that's lonely.

I guess it's the remnant depression from the cold months. But things don't get easier and they don't change. The summer is just a break, and then fall comes again. Winter follows, and the it starts all over.

Maybe it's because I'm tired but I can't ever get my bones to do what I want, like I can't leave the tired feeling behind. I can't even focus on school because I'm just so distracted and confused. Barely have any direction left. Most of the time I'm left wondering:

"what's the point in wondering?"

I remember kinda hanging around my old house. I remember making bubbles in the summer from this experiment we did in science. It was simple, and I would always use up the dish soap. It was so much fun going to the pool everyday in the summer when no one was there. Or when I fell in the lake and my grandma laughed and I didn't have a problem with that.

I think I started thinking a lot since then. But the haze of childhood and being far away from "self-aware" kept my thoughts from taking over. I think I'll never be able to regain myself. I wonder if it's worth trying.

I have so much work to do... I should get on that.