I don't feel like writing in my journal, so I'll type and vent here instead. Finals season, as in for those who are in school, is always a stressful time for me. Whenever the season comes along I prove myself right by having unnecessary melt-downs before important deadlines and getting reckless. I will use the excuse that in an unfortunate turn of events, I was taken by the neck (life took my by it) and jangled back and forth until I threw up. At least that's what it felt like. Or maybe a better metaphor would be an icey sensation. I felt like I was flung into negative-degree waters and forced to swim to an invisible shore while my lungs gave out. Things never work out the way you want them to, that much I try to keep in mind at all times now, in order to keep myself from clinging to anything.

But out of all the things life throws at me this one felt too cruel. Of course I could probably say the same about something that happens to me tomorrow (or actually later today since it's already late). The worst part was the promises it made me, and how laughably short-lived it was in the end. I mean, I guess it's not over per-se, but again as I keep telling myself, I have a dreadful "gut feeling"

Either way I was reminded of that cruel thing today, and I thought it wouldn't bother me but here I am.

guess it be like that. (oof)

I was trying to look into my situation and find some comfort. In the most pitiful way possible: by searching advice on reddit forums for people who identify as "INFJ", which if you don't know what that is, it's part of the personalities developed by some person that has resulted in characterizing people and their personality type pretty accurately. I could go into the details, but if it actually turns out that anyone is reading this, then I suggest you go look it up for yourself, if you're interested.

I decided to focus my search on INFJ's and particularly the feeling of infatuation.

Something came up to my surprise, and overall the people (INFJ's) could definitely relate. I thought it was fitting since the girl in the post discussed about was talking about her age-gaped relationship, which with popular consensus tends to border on "impossible" and naive seeming. It was fitting because though I'm not pining for someone significantly older than me, I am longing for something impossible and most definitely "naive-seeming"

See a couple of weeks ago I fell into a conversation with a person I had limited knowledge on. But upon talking further, in addition with the small preceding conversations we'd had, I started to piece together something much more different than the person I had envisioned. First impressions are very 2-dimensional anyway. But the point is that there was a lull in the conversation where I had a chance to stop and I felt my cheeks hurting from giggling like a school girl too much, and an easy feeling in my head. At that point I didn't fully register the situation and vaguely thought to myself:

"Oh man I can't believe how much we have in common and that I'm actually talking like this with someone... ngl it's kinda uh nice. :)"

Because the way I connected with this guy- I should mention it is in fact a boy- was really endearing to me. I shared some odd information about myself, including drawings! which was not exactly usual of me. Although the people that know me might disagree, I like to think that I have certain reserved things about me I only share with a granted few.

This all sounds very sweet when you leave the details out, sadly. Like the fact that I met this boy under influence of another boy who I know for a fact has romantic feelings for me. And that even after a conversation like that the boy was just healing from a break up and would never even see me in the light that I had begin to see him in. The most confusing part to me was that it all happened so fast. And then it dissipated quickly and it admittedly left me feeling resentful and cold. Resentful because I can't believe I would fall for someone like him the way I did and under the circumstances I did; cold because after I analyzed the situation thoroughly there was no happy ending on my end. And like plenty of times before I felt isolated and dumb, for even slightly wishing that I could feel the easiness of talking to someone like that ever again.

Maybe I'm being dramatic. But everything that has happened in the past few months (and more broadly, the past few years) has had me so wound up I feel almost patronized with these humiliating feelings all the time and I'm sad all the time and confused, to put it simply. And then for mere hours the suffocating sensation of those awful feelings go away and then I'm stripped of it the moment I said goodbye with no promise of ever feeling that weightless again.

Or maybe, logically, I just connected really deeply with someone for the first time in a while and it overwhelmed me.

But I'm so tired of logic and rationality. It's honestly enslavement at this point. I can't ever lay back and allow myself to feel because it quickly becomes tainted with overlapping thoughts and paranoia brought upon by the over-thinking side of my brain that never shuts the hell up.

Maybe talking about this predicament in depth like I'm currently doing is only fanning the flames. Maybe I should just let myself recline and watch where this small interaction takes me. But the state of my environment and brain won't help in anyway, and feeling that way -careless and young- seems so far away despite my age. So I'll obsess over it a few days and at the same time, in some futile attempt to keep a balance, hope for the best of those things which are out of my control.

Saying all that, it's late and these are old feelings that I guess still needing some thinking about before I can sleep okay.

I'll try to rest and hopefully tomorrow feels like a brand new day. (Highly unlikely though)

Note ended: 1:45am May 3rd 2018 Looked through/edited: 1:58am May 3rd 2018