It's hard to put yourself out there. I'd like to think that every day I'm taking a step towards something potentially better, but on days like these it gets hard to live for anything at all. Some things are out of my control, but you'd think that for the few things I can control I wouldn't mess around. Yet for the few things I can control, I can't get myself to care. Even when I do, it takes me a while to get to things, and mostly it's because I lack the energy, and just the will. I'm so tired, and so lost. I really do feel stuck, I'm not sure where to turn.

I think about the people I admire and the love I have for them, a love that will probably forever be fostered in my heart even well into my aging. I think about what it takes to be who and what they are, how do you get there?

I think about what I would say to them, a small moment I might never have. I think about how infinitesimal it might be for them in the grand scheme of their life, how big it would be for me.

How can I ever leave this shell of myself? If I can't go back to the past, how can I even move toward the future. Things move so fast yet so slow. Will I admire the love of my life? What is there to admiration, if you cannot seize it and become it? Does it cease to exist once you embody that admiration? Does the awe of it all dissipate? And if not, what else can you find there? True love and freedom? The future and the past don't exist in this moment, but I dwell on it so much. I really can't help it.

There's this gaping void somewhere in me, that only grows bigger as the years move further on. Can something like that be mended in the average lifetime? Am I just like everyone else? Has my fate been sealed. If so, can I only hope that it's a good one?

Who's out there?