I've been so tired lately I can barely sit down and muster up the energy to write this. The bags under my eyes -or maybe it's just my eyes- sting for no apparent reason and I'll get tired so easily. It's very scary and I don't know what to do. School starts up again soon and my parents don't have any sort of medical insurance to at least get it checked out. Even worse, I get the feeling that even if I did, no one would have any effective remedies for me. This will go on record for being possibly my saddest and overall just worst winter break ever. I can't even distract myself because I feel such a poignant fatigue at all times, I feel like I have rocks strapped to my shoulders and just the worst full-body and mental tiredness that I've ever felt. I don't know what to do. Mom keeps telling me to try and stretch in the morning which leads me to be inclined to believe she doesn't understand the level of energy-loss I'm feeling. But at the same time, what else could she do? It's not like we could go to doctors and get prescribed something.

It really doesn't help that my body has increasingly felt heavy for what seems like a large part of my life at this point, and that I've always felt like I'm dragging some sort of invisible extra weight around, constantly. What am I supposed to do when school starts? I don't want to subject myself to the excrutiating hours I had to brave in order to finish school work that I did in effort to end the semester relatively passing. What is this, why do I feel like this? Nothing feels good.

I wish I could trade my body for someone else's, or even some mutant body grown from a lab, anything that makes me feel better than the pain and tiredness I experience daily. I wonder if it's the winter season, and how it affects my illness. It could very much be, but it's still odd considering I've spent plenty of years living through long winters, and have never felt the way I do currently. Which makes me wonder if it's some mental thing that is aggravated by my condition and my mental health simultaneously. If so, I don't see an easy way out of this, and really no other solution other than to finish out the school year as best as I can and hope this upcoming summer isn't as devastating as last year's. Which reminds me: I still have summer school this next summer, which is just the cherry on top, really.

I wish I knew how to escape this. It's such a hopeless feeling, trying everything in your power to recover, or at least gain enough control of yourself to finish immediate responsibilities -like in my case- school, but never seeing any real progress or results. This sickness gets in the way of every small aspect of my life. I don't know how to exists anymore. The weirdest, most insignificant things will remind me of my self-hatred, and the awful state of things right now. I can't get any peace of mind. And really how could I? This break was a great window of time which I could dedicate to drawing, or writing, or really anything that was exclusively for myself, but really I've barely written, and I can't remember the last time I sat down to draw and put effort into something of mine. Not to mention I've had to decline numerous times to attend church with my family on the actual holidays because I really just don't have the energy to. Before I knew it, there's only a few days left of break and I have a strong suspicion this innate tiredness consuming me as I write this will not miraculously dissipate in the near future, and how -truly- it was a clear factor that lead to me doing poorly in most, if not all, of my classes last semester. Which just spells so much disaster for next semester. Knowing my luck it will play out exactly like last semester, with me never having enough energy to work on school until eventually the end of the quarter draws near and I have to down 3 cups of coffee to get through all the work I can manage. It usually happens that way anyway, with me normally not having the mental capacity to sit down and focus on school when the rest of my mind is reeling with all sorts of problems and things. Except now it worst, because there's almost un-remidiable tiredness that weighs me down to the point where it drives me to tears. I really shouldn't be thinking about school on my break though, I guess.

The events -so far- of this new year seem like a bad omen, in comparison to previous new year's celebrations and welcomings. It almost hurts to talk about. Just me and my mom sitting in the living room, dressed in the ratty clothes we wear everyday, tired and ready for the year to be over, my brother somewhere off having with his deadbeat friends, no where near in the 'right' spirits. I told Caitlyn that I generally just didn't feel in the christmas spirit at all, which in itself is sad and grim, especially for my normally overly festive family. Which leads to the worst part of it all, in my opinion: seeing my family back home enjoying their time together and just being happy.

It really added to the depressing atmosphere of the night, hearing the distant cheers and music coming from my mom's phone speaker. Like just knowing I was so far away from not just them, but everything at that point. It enters my mind, especially on days where in previous years I would be hanging out my cousins, talking about our current interest and just enjoying the comfort of our company, that I no longer relate them in the basest sense. That even when I do finally get to spend Christmas back home again, it will never feel the way it did before we left. Not just because of course it's different year, but because naturally everything else is different, especially me. I feel very alienated these days, almost like I can't and never will fit in anywhere. And sometimes I fear that when I do spend a nice time again with my family, the times spent won't bring me the same joy they used to. The same way not even things that used to bring me joy back then, don't anymore. It makes me wonder if it's just part of growing up, or if there's something else severed in me that stops me from ever fully experiencing joy and that 'being in the moment' feel. It's not just exclusive to Christmas of course, and sometimes I find myself feeling dull in the presence of people or places that I'm nostalgic or fond of most of the time. Idk it sucks, like I said, nothing feels good, or I guess 'fully and authentically good' anymore. But maybe that's a lie, and all the good things are just not as apparent to me as the bad things, which seem to circle me endlessly these days. Maybe at one point ill look back at something that have happened or will happen in this time period and I will be filled with a nice nostalgic feeling.

I can only hope. I can't really focus on this anymore, I might write more.