it sucks because I'm already disenchanted with my existence and my life. and then on those few occasions that life is supposed to be heightened (holidays)things go bad those days too and I'm left feeling the same as always.

my birthday this year was awful. today was awful, and I truly feel completely isolated and alone.

how am I supposed to be loved. with all my baggage and average features who would settle for me? who would look at my pathetic existence and genuinely love me. am I ever gonna stop feeling like a shell of my former self. am I ever gonna wins someones unyielding loyalty and affection? am I ever gonna not feel like dust. am I ever gonna look at myself and feel real?

will I have regrets like my mom? will I be left wondering what "could have been" for the rest of my short life? will I ever be able to feel okay around the people I care about?

why can't I function sometimes

why do I feel so isolated and strange to myself

why do I wanna live in the past still

man like I don't even know how to act around the people I love the most. I get anxious just thinking about a celebration of some sort of a gathering of people because I don't know how to act or what to talk about or what to do. I don't know how to exist in peace and contentment. I am so spoiled and awful. Why do I feel like the biggest loser in the world?

these days have been so hard on me. sometimes even the walls of my room don't make me feel safe. thats how I feel today. I feel so dull and lifeless. I hate the things that happen to me sometimes.

I really do feel like there will eventually be nothing left for me to live for.

how will I ever muster up the courage to go to college? how will mom feel if I tell her it's not gonna happen? what the hell am I supposed to turn to then?

why am I constantly disappointed and unfazed by the things that used to matter to me? will mom feel hopeless if I don't attend college?

I talk to myself everyday, sometimes my dad asks me who I'm talking too so I just kinda brush it off saying its my cousins or something. idk thats dumb.

I can't remember where I was going with this. goodbye