I guess it's my doing, for giving myself to people who might not think much about me, but I really do feel forgotten and betrayed. Sometimes I resent where I grew up and how I grew up, it's bitter to me because it uncovered a lot of ugly realities about me.

but mostly I resent how isolating the reality is.

People don't owe me anything, and I don't want them to feel like they do. But they don't care about me enough to tell me truths and don't care enough to be clear on their intentions, and that deeply hurts me and makes dully angry.

There's not much I can do at this point, about these feelings of anger and betrayal. To be completely honest, I just feel defeated and at worst bitter. The worst part is they all got the good end of the bargain and all I was left with was another stripped part of my trust and the re-emergence of my ever-present loneliness. (I don't like using loneliness because its vulnerable, and I guess isolation strikes harder, but I don't want to saturate the word isolate - despite it being what I'm feeling).

They are left unaware and uncaring, and I suffer the consequences of caring too deeply and giving away too freely. That makes me sound so petty and useless, but I guess I can complain cause no ones even listening.

I never know what's my fault and what's not, because there are people who are at fault but it's mostly me who prolonged the hurt and suffering. But mostly because I depended on it and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I might actually make meaningful relationships with them. But I was just a fling, an attempt, and they never asked to get to know me in the first place. That thought is particularly depressing, because thanks to my vulnerability I put too much hope on something that was never really existing. This is not new on my part, but I still feel cheated every time something like this happens.

Why can't I be more conventional.

That sounds pretentious, but sincerely I'm just bitter and defeated and I feel like a fool.

Not much to say now, sooner or later I won't be around here anymore so to fixate on this is just more damaging. I've let myself feel this and I will, but hopefully things will turn for something better or just something else in general. Until then, I don't know.