I've found myself thinking that at one point in my life, most likely when I find my own way in the near future, I will most likely distance myself from my family. Which I guess in some cultures is normally accepted, but in my culture and especially in my family, its most definitely not exactly usual.

I love my family, and I appreciate that they've always been effortlessly close, but by that same coin it's hard to think about how that's not the case for me anymore. This goes mostly toward my immediate family, because I've lived far from my aunts and grandparents for a long enough time to be not entirely connected to them from the start.

I feel like what I feel towards my family is authentic to me and my specific situation. That's not to say other people don't seek to distance themselves from their families after a while, but more in the sense that in my family situation, I feel increasingly alienated and uncomfortable more so than anyone else.

It's sad, and I'm not sure if it's because of the times or because of who I am, but I don't know if it'll ever be mended.

At least in terms of my brother, it's hard for me to be around him. He's gotten better than from the years he derailed completely, but he struggles and on the worst days it makes me so overwhelmingly anxious and depressed to be around him and listen to him that it's just unhealthy. He's done some awful things in the past, and has the nerve to shame me about trivial things that I still take to heart because I care too much while he cares too little. He's a liar, and selfish, mean-spirited, immature, irresponsible, controlling, judgmental, overbearing, and I'm stuck braving it every hour of the day that he's not working or sleeping. I can't even leave my house, rarely get the chance, so the effect is tenfold what it would be if I at least had a chance to escape his suffocating presence. As I grew up, and especially these recent last years, it dawned on me the negative effect he had on me as a child. It's so deeply rooted and stifling. I would go far enough as to say it verged on abusive, but I really wouldn't know. Sometimes I wonder if some of the things my dad's done are abusive, but then again it's so normal to me that I truly can't justify it as abuse. I have to religiously remind myself that they can be wrong, that just because they're older and more commanding than me doesn't mean that they have a golden moral compass. It helps that my mom is present to be my voice of reason and makeshift refuge, by at the same time she forgives and sometimes enables my dad and brother, and it becomes a deadly double edged sword. I still love her of course, but it's hard to see that she allows it because she's expressed to me personally, multiple times, that she's miserable. And when I think about how she really is (miserable), even maybe more than me, the thought settles within me and it never leaves.

Despite this I'd like to believe I haven't fallen completely victim to this, and in my good days, I am able to see the worth in not falling victim. I've slowly but surely been able to build an identity for myself, one that's not spineless and insecure, and not easily susceptible to people like my brother and father. And I am proud of that. I've become a kinder person that steers away from the judgmental views and attitude they have about everything and I'm always happy about that. In doing so I've been able to embrace the harmless, weird and """quirky""" things I never got to freely enjoy as a kid. Which I think has helped me become more whole. It's helped me help people like Caitlyn and my cousin, the two of who I care for deeply and want to see succeed and be free from the situation of theirs that resembles mine.

I sometimes feel regretful when watching, or buying, or indulging in something I would've liked as a kid, maybe even came upon as a kid, but was never allowed to or was too afraid to act on. It feeds into that constant feeling of mine where I feel like I'm always catching up to other people, including people like my brother, which is discouraging to say the least.

I still have a lot of issues with sharing the things I like, can become very skeptical or judgmental of people who claim to also enjoy the things that I do because of that leftover fear of having to gate-keep everything that I cared about. Especially in the presence of people like my brother and dad. They specifically have definitely shamed (silly, yet sadly true) for being closed of and always misinterpret my intentions, never truly understating who I am, and understating the the long-lasting effects they've influenced onto me even less. I've accepted that I'm resentful about that and towards them, and that its irreversibly changed the way I view my dad, who guilt-trips me about as well. I think he shucks it up to, well, that fact that I'm aloof and also growing up, and I wish I could properly express to him how much he has disappointed me and been the cause of my behavior, and finally shut him up. Much like my brother, my dad's overbearing personality can sometimes be gravely stifling. I guess it's fairer to my brother to say that it's my dad overbearing personality that my brother then adopted.

The thing I fear the most is that my brother will always be this way, will someday have children and infect them with the same unhappiness that weights people like my dad and brother down. I pray that's not the case.

As for my dad, it's maybe a little too late to expect change from him, and sometimes it hurts to think that I don't know if I'll ever forgive him for making me hate the world the way I did at one point and the way it stunted my development as a person.

But at least I can see that it's a problem, and I can die trying to break free from it.