today was weird. I was supposed to work on school things but I haven't done anything. The quarter is almost over man how am I supposed to get stuff done. My body hurts. Tobuscus is streaming today, he even streamed Minecraft and that was so crazy. Today I did things that make me comfortable. Like I woke up late and now that I think about it this afternoon was actually really bad. But then I think it got better I mean I talked to my cousin, and watched some youtube, it snowed last night so overall the mood of the day was cozy, its October, I mean like idk. Im watching toby stream, watched South Park, ate out.

But I still feel strange and not in a good way (if that wasn't obvious). I feel embarrassed about talking to that kid. I shouldn't have intervened its not like they care lol. I think the fact that the end of the quarter is literally this Wednesday and I haven't done anything is worrying. I feel awful. My body hurts. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday. This is so humiliating. I keep having to make excuses to my teachers and sometimes I wonder if they think Im using my illness to get away with doing stuff late. I wish I didn't have this. It feels like a depression that take over every part of my being. Im so far away from getting better, from my family, from my friends, from escape. I feel walked over, left behind, sick, sad. Just dull and empty.

I dont know what I'm going to do if the doctor request something like physical therapy again. My parents can't afford that. I can't even think about having to leave the house to physical therapy. Even that sounds exhausting.

This feeling is so isolating. Sometimes I will be in the comfort of my room and feel this wave of loneliness just like wash over me and I just have to sit there and wallow in it because what else am I supposed to do? I hate telling Caitlyn. She already has to listen to so much of my bitching and sadness. I don't want to burden her any more that she already is

The reason I keep complaining is because I don't see an end to this. At least not in a reasonable time. I have responsibilities and just the thought of my minimal tasks gives me a "pit in the stomach" feeling because I just can't conjure up the actual physical strength to do the things I need to do. So what does that leave me with?

Well I wake up feeling awful, go through the day feeling that way and if I never manage to get anything done I feel 10 times worse but sometimes its completely out of my control so I just have to suck it up until the day is over and I go to bed at an unreasonable hour feeling worse. Then I wake up the next day and the feeling varies in severity. Because even when I do manage to do things that doesn't make me feel any better. I'm just either fatigued, or stressed, or never finish anything in time enough to allow myself a break. Because I'm always behind.And I have to overwork just to be in the same spot as everyone else.

I dont really know how to stop or escape this. My existence is incompetent and I don't know how to make something of myself.