Tomorrow are the SAT's and my brother is planning on moving.

I'm trying not to think too much about tomorrow, and I'm trying not to dismiss myself already but I just know it wont be great. Besides that I guess I can't really say much. At least I'm a bit prepared, but if those practice tests are anything to go by, I can't really expect to do so good.

Anyway, I really am I trying to not put that much weight on it; if I don't do good I can always retake it.

My brother moving is a scary thought, because although it's clear he needs his own space, the thought that I wont see my brother everyday at one point in my life is terrifying. After things, in my view, starting clearing up or improving between us, he's off to do some other things. It might not happen yet, but it will eventually and idk. I can't accept any of this.

It seems almost every day I go through the motions reluctantly, and when days like tomorrow come up, the lump of dread lodges in throat like glue. Time continues passing and although most times it's easy to not to dwell on it too much, the reality presses into me at times like these.

My brother plans to stay here once we move for good, and I can't see how. I don't hate this place entirely, but after every thing that's happened I can't, and do not want to stay here. Which hurts, because Caitlyn is here, and I might never get to see her again. We barely see each other at all now living in the same town. When I sit to think about it, I remind myself how much time I've lost, wasted, but I feel like I'm at a point where can't change it, no matter how grim it seems to me that the one friend I've managed to keep I can't even see.

And though I wont be gone all summer, I will be gone for a while, back at home. Summer is the one time we can get a small streak going, but this year it will be hard to find the days with me leaving and the added stress of summer school.

Speaking of which, at this point the chances of finishing everything for school before break are looking slim. Ugh. I find that it's hard to express how I'm feeling tonight without coming off as redundant. I knew tonight was going to be particularly hopeless. Again I wonder if I set myself up for failure by worrying too much. And is that my fault, or is it justified considering my position? I can't be sure.

At least I have something nice to wear tomorrow, although my face's current state is reflective of everything that's happened to me for like the past 6 months. It's not a good look, to say the least.

Recently, I've been watching some My Little Pony videos on the internet, and it's got me thinking about how much that show influenced me and how much things have changed since its 4th generation premiered in 2010, whose pilot episode I remember watching at my old house, back home.

I was like nine or eight then.

I wish I could go back to that time, sadly. I'm happy with many things about myself today, but it's easy to fall back into the wormhole of that timeline, the show and its fandom, stumbling upon things I used to watch on YouTube back then.

There's no way to experience that again, and there wont be a way for me to experience today again. I wonder about the future, and how one day I might recall today and feel the same way I do now about 2010; how it's impossible to return and things wont be the same.

It's a shame this place earned a pivotal place in my memories, because no matter how much heartache and disaster it has put me through, I will still miss this place one day, and I can't help but feel trapped by that thought even though I haven't even moved on somewhere else yet. There are things I'm grateful for, but I can't help but feel that most of my youth was marred and spent by me feeling unfilled by every occasion I couldn't rise up to, and the things that ended up happening to me after just a year here that irreversibly tainted things. I'm still paying for things that happened to me years ago, and though that might be temporary, the way it stunted what were supposed to be easy and key moments in my youth can't ever be truly remedied.

I don't want to cut myself short, but whats happened, happened. I don't know who I would be without it.

Mom grows tireder every day and dad continuously loses his temper.