I feel like sometimes I was forced to grow up quickly, which developed me weirdly. Then I was supposed to function like the rest of the kids around me. I moved away from the life I was raised on at a young age. Ever since then, I've grown debilitated and lost. My parents talk about moving again and I can't help but feel this big ball of lead settle in my throat. How do most kids feel at home? I feel off everywhere I go. Or I feel good but then something goes wrong that leaves me scarred and too different from before to go back and try again. I wish I could rewind time, but then I fear I could never move forward. I think I'm a giving person, but that often times leaves me and my thoughts alone which make me bitter. In those moments I wish someone would hold me. I don't think I can make a life for myself anymore.

My home is abstract and never solid enough to build; and finding refuge in others is limited.

I want a boy to fall in love with, but maybe not even that. I just want someone stronger than me to take the reins and take me far away. I don't think anyone alive in my generation is like that, so therefore I struggle to "love" others. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear without a trace, but I wonder what that would do to my friend. My mom. But when they're gone, then what?

I wonder how long I could stomach living. Morbid as it is, I can't see living past the golden age of 21. Sometimes I wonder if that's because God's plan for me ends then.

Who can really say what will happen in the days to come, all I know is that I worry because all I can picture is a selfish fantasy of 0 troubles and endless bliss. Nothing I'm willing to work for, but just expect handed to me in light of the minimal hardships I've suffered.

What a vision.