Having night talk shows play in the background as sit around my room after hours always makes me feel the weirdest way. I can't explain it, naturally, but it gives me this paradox-esc sensation.

It could be because the formula for talk shows don't really change, and no matter how much you love a talk show, you gotta admit they all basically follow a formula which gives them a feeling that mirrors other talk shows.

They're generic and cold, but comforting in a way that you feel when certain things don't change.

That could just be the vibe I get, of course. Regardless, the way I feel about talk shows made me reflect on today, and what an utterly wasted day it was.

This summer still doesn't feel like last years, but that may be because it isn't technically summer yet. I'm still 2 weeks due to school, and I have late work I should be focusing all my energy into at this very moment, but here I am.

I just can't get into it. My brain is continuously all over the place, and today it was that plus all the uneasiness surrounding personal issues and recent events. I wish I could articulate this better. This feeling I get at times.

I've always had this... overwhelm-ness when it comes to the world around me and the reality of the vastness of the world. I think I have some sort of agoraphobia, because I think too much about how people's lives are a separate timeline from mine, and people carry their own happiness and they have their own music taste and families and thats so scary too me but I never stop thinking about it. I'm also forced to believe that this feeling has been heightened in the generation of social media, mostly because every time I finish surfing any social media this feeling of what I can only call pathetic misery washes over me and de-stabilizes my actions for the day.

Or maybe my anxiousness about the fact that I'm supposed to be doing work right now is fueling every dumb ramble up to this point and I should just get to work for once.

It's just... a few moments ago I had a cruel realization which is: when summer does eventually roll around this feeling I have might not go away. I briefly remember last summer, but thinking about it now, half of it was me dreading the beginning of my second high school year, and feeling melancholy about things I can't really put my finger on anymore.

God I hate my brain and the emotions I feel these days.

I think that... it's scary how long you can go in life without the things you will eventually (hopefully) find that fulfill you. Maybe your soulmate, or your true calling in life, or a life-changing experience.

My uncle is 40years old, and until a few months ago I hadn't met a single significant other he had had. And he did introduce the man as his "roommate", but no one moves across the country for their roommate and settle into a life together, and share recipes with said roommates mother. Its pretty obvious the man is his boyfriend, and after a few conversations I had with him, I realized I really like him as a person. I was really thankful for the man, and I was really happy for my uncle.

Yet an almost sad feeling plagues me when I remember the fact that they're in their 40's and wow for someone like me, who values a lover as the best possible thing, that seems like a really long time to go without the person you spend the rest of your life with.

What does that mean for the years before you met this person? Or had your epiphany, or settled into your dream job. I know someone run-of-the-mill would say:

"You must value yourself and the person you are in order to be in a fruitful relationship"

Which I say fuck to that, in blatant honesty. I like being alone, but most of the time I think I will forever yearn to be in isolation with someone else. I staple my worth onto other people, where they can wear it as proof of my existence. Without someone there to fulfill the days of your youth, what good is your youth?

This philosophy I have could reflect that I am in fact a teenager, who even though has seen and experienced more than others, is still naive and vulnerable. But even so, I don't truly think I'll ever find solace in the person I am without the worship of another, select, soul.

At the end of the day, I want someone to sit down with me and listen to me rant about the things I write about here. I want someone to dance with me, and I want someone to see things and laugh with.

Don't get me wrong, much like any other, I want it to be the "right" person. But the "right" person is a human construct, something that, by law of nature doesn't really exist.

Therefore maybe spending your life without your destined other isn't as suffocating as I'm worried about, but if I did happen to find that someone and they died, I would not find a reason to live on this earth. Thought that is an assumption that I make now not having any children. I don't know. Some of these thoughts may seem selfish to others, but I'm being realistic.

Most humans (animals) crave intimacy and love, sex, and a life without worries. Life guarantees that this won't always be the case, but at the same time, leaves thing open-ended and confusing to me. At the age of 8 I had 0 idea of where I would eventually be at age 9. The things ahead of me where even more far away from my kid brain back then.

Or maybe that's just what I crave, what I want out of life.

I'll have to cut it here, I can't really dwell on this anymore today. I might come back to it.