I wonder what I would have been like if I'd been a teenager like in the 90's. Or early 2000's

I really miss being a kid. Sometimes I really do wish I was small and unaware again. I miss playing with my toys and watching movies with my mom.

Now I don't do anything anymore. I really want to do something but I just can't. I physically and mentally cannot do anything that I want to do.

I want to write at least, or something Idk. sometimes I feel like if I don't do these things I don't really exist. Because what else is there to do if you spend your days doing nothing you enjoy? What else is there to like about being alive?

I don't like how things are changing at all, and I want to regress. I want it to be summer but I don't because that marks something. The last real summer I'll have as a 'kid' or what's left of 'kid' me. After that only bad things can come, I have a bad feeling. Like how when I know an assignment will be particularly difficult for me but not for others, and how it will make me feel like I wasted my time and in the end didn't really matter. How do I stop that sensation? It's making me feel suicidal and hopeless. I don't want to tell mom but at the same time I feel so alone and scared. Am I going to feel trapped until it's too late or until the day of my death?