I really am nostalgic for the earlier days in my short life. Which is something almost everyone can agree on- missing the "good ol' days" and such.

I guess it doesn't help that I spend my time trying to recreate old feelings and watch old things and usually only appreciate old things which leads me to surround myself by old things. And by old things, I mean things in my early childhood. Those things can range anywhere from shows/movies, toys, the old internet, my old home, previous holidays, and I think just that feeling of my old life that I get when I reminisce on my early childhood.

Sometimes I can't help wonder what way my life would have develop if I had stayed back home. How I would've developed. I guess it doesn't help that when I arrived here I was disconnected to things familiar to me in both physical aspects (like my new house and a new town) and also by mental aspects (like not being used to living in a new place). These aspects are things that I take into account when I consider my time here, and therefore I see them as things that influenced me to the person I am right now.

I cannot travel to the past. I can't live in and embody my child-self at any point ever. I am a grown person, with too much experience and hindsight to ever truly be as blissful and happy as I was back then. Yet still, I don't find much happiness in my current time. Which is detrimental to me, as I have severe problems with depression and general anxiety that usually morph into catatonic states of existing. By that I mean, because of this elusive disdain for the present, I live in constant denial (sometimes) or in constant sadness of the present and wishfulness for the past. Often times this loop of sadness and denial will branch out into anxieties that I have about the future and make me wonder endlessly if I'll ever grasp the concept of "living in the moment" again and in turn happiness and contentedness. It could be this year and the current state of things that has me regressing so gravely. There have been times where I have been able to accept my existence in the now and still enjoy it as well. I guess only time can tell. But time keeps passing, and I get further away from the freedom of youth. Soon I won't have the luxury to continuously ponder over and hope for the best in the near future, soon I'll have to get up and do something. It does me no good to sit here and worry about that, but in episodes of desperateness I just fall victim to it.

This all sounds petty and pathetic. I have to remind myself that these are just my feelings and realities at the moment. They don't necessarily have to be right. I guess I mostly just feel like failure, and that I'll continue failing if I don't snap out of this soon. Which ins't entirely wrong, but also there are always external factors to take into account.

If anything I pray to god I will eventually leave this feeling. That one day I might find what I obsessively look for both in the past, future, and present. But I guess I'll have to let days be until then. It sucks but there's just not much else I can say.