-moving to Florida -Halloween -not buying clothes -school grades -isolation -selling piano

I guess first of all I want to talk about how Halloween nears and I still don't have any plans much less feel like having fun. That overall feeling has been true for the major part of October. I wanted to be a cowboy this year, and it's still attainable but idk if I should even bother dressing up. I wish I was feeling the way I was last year around this time.

October during last year I was probably preparing for my small party thing and indulging in the feeling of fall and the halloween atmosphere. But I can't even get in that mindset lately. Or maybe I was going to doctors appointment and stressing out about public school things. Idk if I can face Caitlyn and Kylee this way. I don't want to bum them out, and I just don't know what we would do if we were to hang out. It's dumb to say but I feel like we're drifting apart which sucks majorly cause they're the only people I still even consider my friends. I just don't want to end up hanging out and then having it be really awkward. I don't know what to do.

This month has been bad, plain and simple. There are still financial problems that ruin my efforts in enjoying the season, and the end of the quarter has me in really bad spirits. Or more like in an awful mood. I guess that nothing I did for Spanish was gonna get me out of doing the two big quarter assignments. I hope I can finish the essay tomorrow and not get put on student watch. That would the cherry on top, being put on some 'student help' where I'm being constantly monitored and checked up on. I don't know where I'll muster up the energy to deal with that if comes to it. This feeling of incompetency doesn't help at all either.

Dad decided to list my piano for sale, which is for the best if I'm being honest. It was just taking up space and collecting dust in my room and in front of my bed where it made it hard to dress the bed. It really sucks I wasn't able to do something productive with something that costs my parents so much. It sucks harder considering our financial situation, and how its the reason we're selling it in the first place - not that he didn't suggest to sell it back around spring.

I don't even want anything this Christmas.

I just want to lay in warmth and not feel my body in pain for a moment. Away from everything that might be happening at that moment.

Which makes me think how hard it is to just hang out with my friends lately. I don't want it to be that way, I don't want to lose them.

Mom was nice to me today, and I was in such a pissy mood that I didn't appreciate it. I regret that. I hate how loud my dad can be, how overly animated and exaggerated he gets when he talks about trivial things. Makes him look like a lunatic. My brother preaches too much, and then continues to make the same mistakes.

Mom talks about things that make my heart drop with worry and anxiety but at least she has a point to the thing she says.

She brought up the Florida thing again, which she hasn't brought up since early spring, before my grandma came to visit for the summer. It's not like anything can be done just yet, but it's hard to think about leaving everything and having to learn to adapt again. Not to mention she's starting to get anxious about leaving. Mostly because of my brother, but this has arguably been a long time coming. I guess I should count my blessings, I don't want her to want to stay.

I wish I could be back home, with the familiar decor and atmosphere. Watching Halloween specials and reruns with my cousin or friends, not a care in the world other than what I'll plan on getting for Christmas.

It's sad to let myself think about that because it can't be that way anymore and I can't go back in time. Which makes the fact that I can't enjoy this few Halloweens left of my childhood more frustrating and heart-wrenching.

I got some money for my birthday that I haven't spent yet, and yesterday while looking for some extra things that came with my piano I found 25 bucks, which was nice haha. I really desperately want to gain back control over myself by at least buying things that I like but I'm scared to buy something I won't like after two or three wears or worse the moment it arrives in the mail. Which has a higher chance of being the case if I buy items online -which was my plan- because I just can't muster up the courage to walk into a store, and change in fitting rooms (THAT DONT EVEN CLOSE PROPERLY :-( ). That's so dumb of me, but it seems like nothing gets above a half-sad smile from me these days. I want to at least buy something and wear clothes that make me feel good, but then I think what's the point if I don't even go anywhere. There's still the chance that we go visit home for the holidays, which leaves me more at a loss because I have no idea what do buy then. I don't have anything apt for the hot weather back home -with the exception of 3 t-shirts and a denim short that that doesn't even fit me anymore. But then I also need clothes for the upcoming weather here -which is taking forever to get cold- and it just leaves me more fearful that ill make a decision I regret or buy something that doesn't fit me the right way which ill need for the trip. I should just go to the store but its not like its that easy. Mom can't drive and dad is always working. I don't know if I would even go then too, because there's still my general anxiety surrounding the store.

Im very muddled with thoughts and worries that deeply affect me. It gets in the way of me doing menial things .But nothing is going according plan and nothing is more uncertain than ever it seems- though I know I've probably made claims like that about other times in the past few years- so I guess its just why I feel this way. I certainly know that I will be saying the same thing around spring when I have to take the dreaded SAT. But I don't want to think about it.

I'm mad, sad, in pain, tired, and unsure. I hope when Halloween rolls around, I'll at least be able to enjoy it. I wonder if Kylee is mad at me, if Caitlyn is getting tired of me and if I'm slipping into the same traps I fell into in previous moments of my life. But that thought fact doesn't seem right. because everything of this current moment feels very authentic of the year 2018. of autumn 2018. Who knows what comes next, but if anything I just want to be able to finish that essay tomorrow.