I know that I have a materialistic nature, and overall I just like things.

I think that because of this, I expect material things to help me grow as a person and fulfill me. And while it's not bad to receive something you want every now and then, I often find my goals only involving materialistic gains instead of personal achievements. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I have no direction these days, and I literally only think about clothes and things. But it's also important to note that I might only be thinking about clothes because I'm in desperate need of new clothing after I grew out of half my wearable wardrobe and currently wear the same 2 or 3 things all the time. Still, today I feel stuck in myself, like I can't enjoy anything or be or just exist. I haven't been doing any school stuff lately which is bad, but the pain in my body overtakes any small motivation and most of all energy that I can muster to efficiently complete work. It's because of these reasons:

-being late on school work -having no flattering / fitting clothes

that I loathe the idea of finally going home for the holiday season. There are obviously other more serious things- like how the things listed above are just by-products of my worsening depression and anxiety and just that It's been a particularly hard year. But I can't see myself enjoying anything at all especially my first Christmas spent back home after more than 5 years with the added burden of having nothing to wear for the festivities and having a ton of work to finish in the meantime. On Halloween I stayed home and finished some school work out of some sort of miracle motivation, but it was then when my dad walked into my room with the most dejected and self-defeating energy I have ever seen on him. He seemed hopeless. He felt so bad about me staying home and not doing anything while my brother - the usually less fortunate one- spent some time out with his friends in true Halloween spirit. I managed to convince him that it wasn't his fault that I wasn't celebrating Halloween this year; at least I hope I did, because I didn't want to tell him all of the reasons. I didn't want him to be tainted by my hopelessness (if that's even possible for someone as withered as him).

If I really wanted to celebrate I could have mustered up some energy and put together a costume- but I just didn't want to.

that all sounds very melodramatic, but it hurts in an authentic way that matches every other 'rude awakening' I've had since I 'started growing up.' It hurt because I'm not a kid anymore, and though I'm still in high school, the years of my childhood are slowly but surely depleting, and at one point the halloweens will bleed in with whatever life I'm leading in the future. I can't take that back, my only junior high year halloween and I wasted it doing overdue school work and playing animal crossing new leaf. And watching the new South Park episode but I was going to do that anyway. Now all I have left is one more, and that makes me sad. I have two more christmases left as an actual legal kid and I don't even wanna take this opportunity to possible spend it amongst my family. I could be wrong of course, things could change if not drastically then slightly and I might be in better spirits by next month. But it still doesn't change the present day, the time I waste by having to feel this way and being in this place. The most difficult aspect is not having a viable solution. I know that sometimes when I'm in this funk all I can do is sit it out and hope for a soon recovery. But it hurts disappointing my mom and dad and beyond that it just sucks disappointing myself and my future self -who will most likely not blame me for the way I'm feeling- but will still look back at this point in my life with regret. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm in unbearable yet dull pain and really I guess that if I want to add anything then I will later.