It's been a bad month, it's hard to believe that it's almost over. But even more, it's been a bad year and it's even harder to believe that 2018 is almost over, and that next year things will continue changing for me and my last childhood summer approaches.

That thought came to me just now, and I don't want to think about it at the moment. I wonder what'll happen next year. This year was strange for me. A lot of things I never thought I would do happened and idk. I'd like to think that I learned something from it though.

I move farther away from the person I was as the years go on. I'm not sure if it's something about this year but I haven't been able to do anything but school this entire year. From January to soon enough December, my focus solely revolved on catching up on school and trying to make better choices than last year. Even in the summer, my sacred season, school was the only thing I had time for. The ultimate byproduct of that was that I stopped drawing for a long time, and I never did anything but read, watch shows, sleep, and listen to music. Which is not entirely bad because those things keep me -as stupid as it sounds- sane, but I can't help but compare myself to the kid I was back when I didn't have this eternal lack of energy, and could actually do something.

Sometimes I'll catch myself acting reckless and it makes me cry. Because for a while now I haven't been able to get ahold of myself and I've hurt myself along with people that I deeply care about. I try to keep in mind that I at least I try to be better, and at least I care if I hurt someone, but I don't think it makes a difference anymore because I might end up making too many mistakes. Which is so much pressure, and it makes me lose myself more and more.

A few days ago I felt a strong urge to draw, and I did and I was actually proud of something I made and couldn't believe it. It lasted very little, that small spark of inspiration, but at least I got a few drawings in. It was nice. Then I tried branching out into writing, and I started comparing myself to something that I read that made me feel so happy and so many emotions and I thought to myself "I could never possibly hope to match this" and idk. I'd like to think that even now, lost as I am, I have an affinity to see the beauty in things. Beauty is important to me. I've always wanted to write something of my own, to express that affinity, and I tried but I just don't know if I could ever mold it into something that I'm actually proud of. When it comes to drawing, I've been doing for a long time along with other creative things I've dabbled in, and it makes me wish that I'd tried writing seriously at a younger age. That's not to say that I can't start now, because I don't like to think that just because you're older you can't try things. But it still frustrates me. Especially because in the state of being I live in, I'm constantly tired and dull, it's hard to latch onto something and actually expend some effort into creating something. There's also always that added pressure of sharing that thing and letting people judge it, and idk.

It might come back to me eventually, but it's a bit suffocating remembering that at some point even if I was depressed as I was, I wasn't afraid to do things and had the energy to do so. I've been sick for a long time, but I found a remedy and somehow always made it out okay. Now I can't even draw without stopping 20 minutes later. I miss taking photos and editing them and how I would get frustrated when editing but it was a good frustration and once I was finished I had something I was happy with. Not this endlessly hopeless frustration that I feel when I try to do anything (and I mean anything) these days.

Recently I watched a show that I also watched back then, several times in my past, and it made me feel the same way it did back then and also so much more- both sad and good. It reminds of a lot things that make me feel nostalgic and happy. But I don't know where to go from here. I think I never realized how much of myself has dissolved into small remnants of who I was. Not to get myself wrong, I've grown a lot these few years in the only way I appreciate growing up- emotionally and in terms of personality- but at the moment I just feel stuck. I wonder if this will all be worth it. All the energy I've put into school and overall things that I don't actually care about. Don't get me wrong I completely understand the importance of education, and I have nothing against it, but school itself is hard for someone like me and I just accept that, for someone like me, school is a bittersweet thing. In terms of how I always feel like I'm catching up (because I always am) and how I have the knowledge to do good but not the power to do so. I don't even go to public school anymore, which is better for me and I came to realize that quickly, but even still I can't do things effectively enough. Sometimes you just have to accept that because otherwise it makes a person like me feel more inadequate and useless than I already feel. I like learning things and creating things but, the way that things are for me don't leave much room to put effort into things like school. Which is scary, because as teen those are your only responsibilities, I can't even begin to imagine what I will feel like if is this all carries out into my future.

And truth is sometimes it's my own fault, but I just can't bring myself to care these days. It's a hopeless sensation, wanting to be something and do something but not having any power within yourself to do so. I feel cornered, like no matter what I try it just won't work.

I wonder what will happen in the coming years, and I wonder what this feeling means for future me. In the end, even as I feel this way, I have a small bit of hope. I'm grateful for the few things I still do and care about.