slowly I think I've come to a point where I can finally and freely explore my interests. Sometimes I'm still apprehensive, but for the most part I've learned to redefine things for myself and learned to enjoy things for myself.

that being said, there's still much progress to be made, but I guess that's just my weight.

It's hard to think of myself without these things that I've attached myself to over the years. I always feel like I have this abstract view of life, where like I can't live it fully, because I can't project my interest with the people I interact with. Thankfully there are exceptions, with a few select people that I feel comfortable with to a point where I can even share these interest and not feel like it's going to be turned around on me or something that's gonna be taken advantage of.

Sometimes I forget how hard is, to be open and sincere with people that just don't understand, or that misconstrue things.

It's hard to think about Teen Idle (marina and the diamonds) and how I used to listen to in like the 6th and 7th grade, when I was not older than 13, and then now, 16 years old, it's like a self-fufilled prophecy

That being said, I wish I could expand my horizon. There are moments now where I really don't know what my interests are. I wan't to reach that point of confidence with each of my interests, for a time where I might be able to share those things with people who have similar interests. I guess I just have to put myself out there but I think that's a whole other thing. Or maybe that's the main problem. I need to take more risks or like leave the house. The feeling that the world moves without me, that people reach other places without my involvement is scary. It scares me to feel like this, like growing up and figuring things out. It's a dreadful feeling. I guess that's why I feel it the way I do. Secluded and alone, where I can't compare my progress to anyone else's . But maybe one day that won't be enough. I'm not sure what to do.

I don't wanna think about next year, or even as far as March for that matter, but man I hope I know some more by this summer, and I hope I can share it with people who are worth it, and who think I'm worth it. Scary thought too, moving from here. Hm.

Somehow this always ties with the passing of time and how terrified I am of it. I guess that's growing up? it sucks, I don't have much time left I feel

Back when, maybe in 6th or 7th grade, I would listen to Marina's Teen Idle and think that's exactly how I feel, and now I'm close to leaving high school, exactly 16, and I still feel that way, the way she describes. It's like this awful self-fulfilled prophecy. I don't know what it means, like I bet tons of kids felt this way when leaving high school, I don't think anyone besides locals really hold it closely to their hearts, but it still festers in my brain like- did I ruin my chances, my youth of all things? And like to what extent was it my fault, like Im just kid, man, there's only so much I can help.

Idk, this way I'm feeling is not forever, hopefully, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything up ahead is any better, or satisfying.

In fact, for as much as I've gone through, I haven't really gone through that much. It's just my experiences and me dealing with them with how inexperienced I am. But still, I just feel like it's a bit different. In what way, I can't exactly say, but does it show? Like is this gonna hurt me, am I gonna let it hurt me? Will I able to tell? There are no actual answers to any of these questions but just. Man I'm 16, like what. I've been here for what's closely approaching 7 years. And what like is all this, and like does it even matter anymore?