Moving is a strange experience that I feel most people if not everyone has had to go through at some point. I feel like everyone can identify it as a transitioning period but it really can be defining of a certain period of your life and the absurdity of that has been a growing thought in the back of my mind for a while now.

I'm not sure how my brother moving will pan out, if it will work out or if it'll be a disaster and he'll end up moving back home again, but either way. The thought that I won't always live with my family has taken root in my head and it depresses me.

On my bad days, the really bad ones, sometimes all I really need is to walk out of my room and they will say something or just be there and the safety and care I feel so absent of will come back to me. They won't always be close, one day they won't be there at all and that makes me think of the all the times my mind was too clouded and compromised to process that. When I was younger, and they all seemed so far away from me. It feels like now I've slowly regained myself, have been able to appreciate the presence of my family and every time I glimpse at mom's whitening hairs, or I hear my brother talk about staying here after we leave, it brings into perspective these last 7 years (approximately) and how much time has passed and how much I've changed.

It's hard to think we will be separated again, after I can finally be there and not feel absent minded. And on days like today, when my energy isn't enough to maybe do everything and be everywhere I want to I feel so defeated. I don't want to take the time I have with the people I love for granted. And it hurts to think about how far away I really am from my family back home and about how much time I've wasted in living thousands of miles away and not being mature enough to see, or to see but not have the power to do anything about my presence around these people. I think I never lost sight, but it did become blurred at a given time. I pray for everyone who hasn't had enough time and enough life.

My fears of growing older pile up the older I get. How can I make up for everything? How can I close the gap?

I really can't know what will happen after I graduate, but I hope that from the time left from now to then, I can be there, and be mindful and present despite myself and my dread.