As I sit in my desk, my spine decaying from the inside the more I sit and sit, I can't help but feel as if nothing will revert for me.

Realistically, I can't turn time, but I always hoped I'd be able to recreate something in the coming years that would teach me the easiness and happiness in life. The easiness and happiness of being young. I don't think that will ever be the case.

In an alternate life, I was never born, never existed, never got sick, and never lived to see the day I would find out what a tragedy it was that I became ill in the body and brain in the first place.

I hate feeling this way, suicidal and hopeless. Life isn't worth living if you know you're wasting away, if you only live for the sake of others, if you can't ever escape from a bad year. Life ins't worth living if you're not living today.

Maybe it's because it's been a bad year that I feel this way, but nothing, not even the promise of summer after spring next year has me particularly energetic enough to wake up another day. I would prefer it if I hadn't woken up today. I would prefer if I hadn't read or seen the things I did today. I feel so trapped, I don't know what to do or say anymore. I can't hold a conversation with my mom without being left with the bittersweet aftertaste of the reality of my situation. In a moment of weakness I expressed to her that I've grown resentful towards the fact that I have lived a sort of "half life" ever since we left home. In moment of even weaker weakness I expressed to her that we have to accept the present day. In counter to the comments she makes about "what if we would've stayed home" I told her that we can't turn time, that we can't undo anything that's been done. That we'll never get that back. And I realized that I was projecting in a fashion that I didn't want to trouble my mom with. Which is suffocating.

Anyways, the days pass, I almost get more tired every morning I wake up from a bad sleep, and I figure one day I'll wake up and won't feel the things I feel, but of course that's the sadness in waking up: thrusting yourself back into reality after a fitful, momentary rest.

I grow resentful of this place every day. Which is scary, because I have nowhere else to go. If I hate here, I have the same chance of hating it somewhere else. I don't know if I want the control I think I've lost. Because that would make me responsible for the state of my life and that's even scarier. That I could do what the years have done to me to my myself. As I write this I wish I could runaway, take a plane and never come back here again.

I have such little hope. I have such little energy in me left. I can't keep trying to hold up in front of my mom, so mostly I stay in my room. I don't like looking in the mirror so I don't shower somedays. I don't like feeling the aching in my bones so finishing work gets harder every time I sit down. Break is just around the corner but I STILL can't just pull myself together for this last week and finish the year right. I remember what my mom said about how finishing this semester with good grades was the only thing she wanted for Christmas. I remember and I feel more hollowed out than before.

I wish I had the right words, usually I'm more expressive and cognitive and cohesive but today I just feel like the biggest failure to enter this plane. And that's saying something seeing as I'm surrounded by failure everyday.

Failure to feel the right things, failure to see things, failure to go through with things, failure to let go of things, failure to accept things, failure to live.

I don't know about tomorrow, or even later today, but I do know that I feel non-existent and disconnected. And I don't know if I want to feel grounded again.

I have finals and I can't do anything but sit here and complain.

I don't even know to ask for help anymore. I don't even know if I feel hopeless or if I don't feel anything.

I wish didn't sound so empty and cheesy, but truly I just don't know how to express what I'm feeling as I write this.

I feel like whatever I do it won't be enough, and that's paralyzing.