It's almost unfathomable for me to picture the future. Aside from the fact that no one can say for sure what the future holds, I don't really have a plan for where I'll go after high school. To me it somehow feels like once I hit a certain age, I will cease to exist, which is strange and disorienting.

I know this feeling ins't exclusive to me, but it still paralyzes me all the same. I've always sympathized with my brother and understood his uncertainty and lack of confidence in not just the future but himself. Its hard to see myself entering a college campus, signing up for classes, graduating.

I feel like a better curse would have been to long and daydream about the day I graduated college, something that would be a long time running in my head because I would've had a plan for the future.

But no, instead my curse is the complete uncertainty and fear of the future. Not that people don't fear the future normally, but I wish in my case it was more of a nervous anxiousness, anticipating and cautiously excited about what is to come.

I think I've come to accept that I won't go to college straight after high school, but really I don't know what to think about that. The looming pressure of disappointing my mom is suffocating to say the least. I fear that my brother's situation will eventually corner me into either going to college or completely breaking down. It doesn't help that these last few years I don't have energy for anything, much less energy to explore other avenues of interests that could open doors career wise. Maybe it's just the year.

I wonder what summers will look like once I'm no longer protected by the guarantee of a vacation, and what it will feel like to watch those years slip by. What happens when we leave this place, will we ever Leave?