I'm so confused these days. Spring mixes my mood with its unpredictable weather and all the strong winds. Nothing feels concrete when the year restarts. Somehow in the beginning months I feel just like the things around me. Where the hell have things gone? I don't know if anyone knows what I mean, and that's lonely.

I guess it's the remnant depression from the cold months. But things don't get easier and they don't change. The summer is just a break, and then fall comes again. Winter follows, and the it starts all over.

Maybe it's because I'm tired but I can't ever get my bones to do what I want, like I can't leave the tired feeling behind. I can't even focus on school because I'm just so distracted and confused. Barely have any direction left. Most of the time I'm left wondering:

"what's the point in wondering?"

It's not like I can stop thinking though. It's like suffocating in the open. Because really, I'm lost, you know? And being lost almost makes me feel caged in. Maybe it's because I can't change my situation. Thats what my mom says. I fear that the most. Because I think most times you will experience life in periods of static that only progress in intervals. Therefore, I will most years live in time bubbles that suffocate me until I graduate a certain thing or I leave it forever. Like childhood. It keeps me bound and confused until I realize I'm not a kid anymore, and it only gets worse.

When I think about that my peace of mind seems so fleeting. Like I'll never get it no matter how hard I try 'cause in the end it's like rainbow. Just a pretty illusion. And then I start to realize that maybe it doesn't feel like that and rather that's exactly the way it is.

-I think only summer understands me. Summer doesn't make me feel out of place. Summer raised me, and comforted me, sometimes it stopped time for me.

Then, I resent my dad for bringing me directly to winters doorstep and abandoning me.- That's all a metaphor btw.

I feel so different from everyone else in the worst way possible. I feel un-organic and only a product of bad things. Strange things make me happy and sad at the same time. Every time I find someone like me I hate them immediately but stick around because it's the only thing shaped like me, for me.

even then they're not like me but they share a few things. that's somehow become enough for me. only a few good things. maybe that's how it's always been.

summer I miss you, I can't wait to see you and feel your essence surge through my sickly bones. the water on my skin and the sun on my face. I miss the sweaty hug after a long day.I miss the way you make me feel like a good memory but most of all how you make feel smack-dab in the middle of time.