Here's a thought: Maybe if you're being treated like a punching bag it's because you're treating those people like punching bags.

I'm not sure if I've said this before but I feel like a liability in any and every experience that occurs in my life, lol. Anyway I'm mad and I feel like a soggy and dirtied candy wrapper. Waste. Shit lmao. I hate how hypocritical people can be. I hate how much I'm overlooked and yet I can't get away from situations. I don't have the control I need and these people that take it away from me expect it back tenfolds. Fuck em lol. Anyway, this summer is really something.

I guess I shouldn't expect things from people, that's on me completely. I've been so utterly sick from trying so hard, and after assessing various aspects of my life, a lot of that is coming to light. I keep thinking it's just my age, the current year, but I don't think I'll be ever be satisfied. The more the days drag on the more trapped I become. I need to leave this place. Re-establish myself in a new life. Maybe that might calm me down. I'm so scared of forever staying in this life yikes. I don't feel alive. I constantly arrive at the sensation of living my life through a mirror or book. I don't want to waste my time. I keep letting people that I idealize down but they don't really matter so I just keep letting myself down. But I don't have control, so I'm prone to the misery that triggers this overpowering depression over my bones and body and mind. So it evolves into this vicious cycle that completely takes me. It's so incredibly suffocating. I feel like I have to continuously swallow a scream.

The state of my health and livelihood has slowly but surely deteriorated. All I'm left with is this washed up product of the person I could have been. Everything that comes in my future is so grey and the unsurety makes me feel like I'm hanging by a thread from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. The people around me feel temporary so I never feel real. I doesn't help that the state of things these days are seriously strange and debilitate me. Maybe I just need to grow thicker skin, because things might not ever shift for the better. I might need to raise children in the current state of things. Even the thought of that leaves me feeling small and weak. I'd want my kid to grow up happy. Never ever fall into the hole I have. At one point I won't be able to compete, I just feel like that and it's looming above me. I'm already greatly disappointed and discouraged. Imagine how mentally ill I'll end up by the time I reach college and I can't keep my grades up for the life of me and I'll be deeply in debt. Imagine the lack of control I'll feel then.

Idk these are muddled thoughts and I'm agitated so that might not be helping. I guess I'm just disappointed. Not sure what to do and all.