- I just can't believe I actually let myself be vulnerable again. I was so certain I was not going to develop feelings for someone again. But you were just so good to me. In the beginning. It's not like you ever ended up treating me poorly, but it's like you stopped trying to win me over. I guess I just liked the attention. That's my fault. I liked the attention and that was it. God, you gave me all of these feelings
- Yes, you treated me ten times better than my first boyfriend. But you were never even my boyfriend. I'm sorry I spoke impulsively. I will admit that that was my mistake. But is it your pride that you won't let me in? Or is it just too fresh? I'm not sure what this is... what it was.
- I gave you my virginity on April 6 and although I still am no fan of sex, I guess I really thought we were making love and I thought it was beautiful that I could trust in you and trust you with my body. I didn't enjoy sex per se, but for some reason I did feel passion in you, that you were actually making love to me because I thought you really did love me. It wasn't as fun as literature and music make it out to be, but maybe that means I wasn't supposed to have lost it to you. In this case, I plan on staying abstinent for a very long time. I'd like to lose it on my wedding day, if I do get married. I just truly thought you were the right person to lose it to. I can't believe I fell for the trap, you using "I love you." I can't tell if you really did love me now. And although I would always deny it - I guess I probably was a little in love with you. You got what you want. You do like being in control over girls, I can see. And now you won. You had total control over whether or not we were going to get back together but clearly, we are not happening again.
- My mistake was leaving. But I guess I just wanted you to fight for me and this relationship. I thought I was worth the fight. But you just could not handle it. Maybe I am too difficult to handle. Maybe I'm putting myself down. But it's clear that I can't last more than 4 months with a guy.
- Mimi said maybe we need the summer to cool off and maybe with the new school year, we could start again. Get to know each other again. But that's not fair for me. I hate using my summer knowing another guy had given up on me and maybe he'll find interest in me again once the school year starts, probably for another distraction. In this case, you will probably end up using this summer and revert to your old freshman fall semester ways. I wish I could say I'm okay with that, but knowing that I had given my virginity to you and that you will just end up with another girl, I'll know you were truly a mistake. I can't stop you from doing that.
- I hope I stop missing you. I hope we'll be okay. No, I KNOW we'll be okay eventually. Look, I finally realized I am over my first boyfriend. Right now I'm upset and angry, I really do want you to miss me and regret that you did hurt me.
- I just wonder where the love went. Where any of our feelings went. They just died down after 4 months and it doesn't make sense at all. Why did we happen if we were only going to be together for 4 months? And you weren't even my boyfriend, not officially, at least. Sure you acted like it but I just thought we could have made it real. I never got to call you my boyfriend anyway. There really was just so much left for us.
- And sadly, I keep thinking you will knock on my door when I least expect it, that you will surprise me again like we did after one fight. I'm sorry I made you mad. I did love you and I probably still do. I'm just so embarrassed that even your friends think we're not a good match. I just truly thought differently, that we were opposite and we canceled each other's bad feelings out. But we were both so stubborn and ready to argue. I thought that if we chose to get over that and look past our differences, we would be okay. But you weren't willing to do that.
- I guess the fact that I was so willing to do everything for someone again - that's how I know it is not meant to be.
- And I guess I should be thankful that it ended abruptly rather than letting it drag for an entire year, just so we could end after I graduate.
- I remember you saying that you think we could last well over 5 months. Hmm.
- just thought that what we had was truly beautiful and in retrospect, it was real. I'm in that phase of denial. I really do have to let go. I hope you regret it. I know I'll get over it soon. I hope it's soon. Ugh, goddamit.
jun 10 2013 ∞
dec 2 2013 +