auric: molten

skin so hot from humiliation. it fumes, they can smell me

cold skin is scentless

in russia there is no body odor

i have very high standards for myself. i know i am to blame too. i have my own paralysis but really it's my own doing. why did i wait this long? so i could crumble in public view.

i pleadingly look at them: I too have things to deal with. I too am busy. But with what? uncertain sentients thats what is slowly decaying me too. Why don't i have an unending pool of empathy? perhaps i do

i am ashamed that i didn't use my time more wisely. i hate that i said no, that i stopped. it could have been over, resolved in an hour. i thought it would save time but i ruined everything. emotional blackmail. i hate that i occupy in time. i am not sure how long i will have to be strong. i feel very alone as if i can't tell anyone the truth. i know he does.

There are others who say the same things as me but in different (intriguing) ways that his ears perk up to. what can i say when i know i won't be heard. how long does it take before one's partner is treated as badly as oneself? indifferent or worse

i can't cry today. i have to be public/present. so the tree is weeping on my computer above me.