| young ma? "she be dripping sauce, i be dripping slime" -------- https://daily.bandcamp.com/2019/09/03/ac... Natalia Beylis http://nataliabeylis.bandcamp.com/album/... dungeon synth? https://www.nts.live/shows/alien-jams/ep... sep 4 2019 ∞
oct 23 2019 + I love north london style chewing gum little simz the importance of of a colorful sneaker, one love, a soft camel sweather that fits well creative and goofy and beautiful and everything rising up aug 17 2017 ∞
aug 17 2017 + there is this floating space when their are only two teams to root for but each is so utterly fucked #sportswerenevermygame but also just waiting out the end of the world but also also alsooo my life Major Arcana:
-this book over here is like 2 things! "care and share"!!! smh, can't connect and terribly ashamed for being alive, human, and filled with future mistakes btw it's cooler to work than not be in school but I am the last to the party and i think I will just hang out in more dark librarys writing/reading about pained welled up in memory and embodied but publicly denied the personal so ashamed to claim a like in public only know to compliment in place of conve... may 5 2017 ∞
may 5 2017 + earthtone satin pale jewel silks and box braids trenches and white sneakers suits with room to eat sheer and tulle hidden layer earrings like a bell from an ancient temple https://vg-images.condecdn.net/image/P06... skin is luminous nov 27 2016 ∞
nov 27 2016 + Embarrassed and humiliated Overwhelmed States of doubt How easily influenced am I really? Whose telling me I can't go to Chicago or do art history or something enjoyable Does life have to always equate to service sep 21 2016 ∞
sep 21 2016 + You know how to survive here -loud music -unbelievable amount of focus -don't be surprised by omission of information that makes you feel like utter shit no no no no no no non nnono no no loud music shields to protect you big breaths for internal space you might have to go to school to do this. may 16 2016 ∞
may 16 2016 + its a magical world where we create alters of photos and candles incense to bjork and all female idols who understand the depths and beauty that leaves us beholden and ripped to our flesh. all the play is called art because we are all smart enough to explain it or to let it be self explanatory. so painful to be alive and so painfully beautiful to be alive. jun 4 2015 ∞
jun 9 2015 + auric: molten skin so hot from humiliation. it fumes, they can smell me cold skin is scentless in russia there is no body odor i have very high standards for myself. i know i am to blame too. i have my own paralysis but really it's my own doing. why did i wait this long? so i could crumble in public view. i pleadingly look at them: I too have things to deal with. I too am busy. But with what? uncertain sentients thats what is slowly decaying me too. Why don't i have an unending pool of empathy? perhaps i do i am ashamed that i didn't use my time more wisely. i hate that i said no, that i stopped. it could have been over, resolved in an hour. i thought it would save time but i ruined everything. emotional blackmail. i hate that i occupy in time. i am... may 4 2015 ∞
may 4 2015 + sometimes it is very difficult coming from places where there is so little support and i am overwhelmed and lost. I know i am smart enough to continue but because i lack knowledge on how to continue ....its just draining i feel you Amelia albatross gre? financial aid? wha? i am trying to live out a fantasy or do i genuinely believe i can do both? and what of the latter? Chicago semiotics Gal UCLA maybe cus ... Stuff Berkeley no. 1 cus folklore theory and medical Riverside... Chico?? apr 19 2015 ∞
apr 19 2015 + i realize i am duplicating some version of who i think i am or should be was in my mind. to say i am lost feels accurate. i'm spinning ... i can't seem to attach myself to anything, not even social commentary as true as i know it is in my heart. she stands there in her classy escort heels, just enough European. her burqa and smile, lovely on spanish mosaic steps. She knows who she is. i am jealous and happy for her. wonder how she got out? how did she leave it? at least i have a badass lover. apr 8 2015 ∞
apr 8 2015 + disappointed in myself disappearing act vanishing faint apr 6 2015 ∞
apr 6 2015 + bless the rain I don't really care what I write or make. I don't know why people want me to punish them. I am having a hard time hearing my inner voice, knowing my internal world. I want to impress all of you, but I take no action. The grand imitator. First stages of learning. I have very little faith in myself these days. I can't pull anyone out of their slumber. I am drowning in papers. I don't want to come back here. I really wouldn't if I didn't feel I had to. I am proud of all the strange women with girlish faces. I don't want to eat anymore. Remember when I was fibrous? Remember when I moved? I don't know what to learn or who to be friends with or even if I should devote the time. I can't imagine what he's going through. I don't want him to be alone or to feel g... jan 17 2015 ∞
mar 2 2015 + Often I am wondering if I let my self image in contrast to others hold me back. I will try not to let that happen anymore. nov 5 2014 ∞
nov 5 2014 + anxious eat lipids still tummy tingles, nauseous overwhelming sighs... gasping lie down on laundry cry cry cry quietly spiraling introspection super animosity, dark heart, violent mind (hate myself most now) fatalistic life prediction wound lover deeply PROFOUNDEST REGRET humbled beyond belief in the presence of divine tears sep 18 2014 ∞
sep 18 2014 + |
auditory travels here...https://www.nts.live/shows/anu/episodes/... i'm very affected by all the men who test me currently those who silence me because my internal world is too unpleasant to process, the weight of my words in the room falling like boulders up atop my mouth, hard thuds on the heliotrope comforters those assigned to care for me but occupy attitudes of benign neglect (always trust me gut on those, big fuck you) to those who test me and tease, why is that a form of silencing, i don't think it's playful, its like an intellectual violence, I don't want to say i take myself too seriously but these spaces are challenging to navigate with my voice, i will never sit too close to you ever again, or I might have to zip myself up to that To the fucker who doubted me, to twist my words like the manipulator i see, the one who believe counterinsurgency is justif... nov 14 2019 ∞
nov 14 2019 + drinks hippo lite cat clyde feb 24 2018 ∞
jun 26 2018 + recently loving stomping down the street with marine layer in my locks listening to this especially as I leave the deep gloom of May may 27 2017 ∞
may 27 2017 + this is the diary where the public and private meet amazing when there are bidding wars over books that idolize and nuance the 60's and 70's, where new age and kitchari happened first also... no one can understand how hurt he is, how the world and family betrayed him, how lonely he must be to eek out an existence money is emotional but i would rather invest in him than my fast food proclivities ( he is a very marvelous person, i dont need to prove it to anyone to know this is a fact) "the rot that is exposed when no one is looking" i have been feeling less of a need to accumulate fabric i want to dress like a fairytale who is minimal and monkish (jeans/turtleneck/) nov 30 2016 ∞
nov 30 2016 + do you no matter the power struggles what is worth the stress and effort to make it happen? keep nourishing yourself Finish line: own place, Job: helpful to people, feels important, with people who are happy and light oct 7 2016 ∞
oct 7 2016 + empty and dancing total admiration to those who do super stagnant, listless sep 4 2016 ∞
sep 4 2016 + so many shades of red a craving to smell like oranges know the curl of a butterflies apex wing why can't we live there in big sur. we can i know it. we have it in us. we are lush in jungle minds. we can be students of shakti gawain and olga khariditi. we can smell of soft redwood all the time. my head on his heart. moon colored heart jun 14 2015 ∞
jun 14 2015 + sometimes i don't feel i am allowed to be sad without an ultimatum attached. like my sadness is the final sadness. i just have to streamline this double life. minimize. live out of a suitcase, vagabond drippings. prepare food in advance. stay strong wake up early. perhaps morning feather bearers just have too much they have to see during the day and that is why they wake so early to capture a moment that =them. also if he offends you "shake it off" but i don't want to shake everything he says off.. may 6 2015 ∞
jun 9 2015 + too self aware to do anything at all
apr 8 2015 ∞
apr 8 2015 + scrolling but not buying anything this time just scrolling for scrolling sake apr 7 2015 ∞
apr 7 2015 + I think I have settled on Silence(power v. not), Japan settlements, Altai settlements, rape, folk healing, and gender history mar 2 2015 ∞
mar 2 2015 + so much violence and i can't see the beauty in my own violence. its dehydrates me shrinking me from the inside out. internal collapse. molding and drying out i am not wincing around blood so much and all these boys are so soft behind me. nov 6 2014 ∞
nov 6 2014 + it all sounds very obvious and cliche. I just want to be on my own and I am holding that as the highest value right now. I hope I will continue my love of art, symbology, mysticism, philosophy, healing, healing, healing, ecology throughout my whole life. The perpetual student. But I am not ashamed of that. I love school. I also love him. I hope most of the problems we are dealing with that make us so weepy are temporary. I want to continue to be kind. I want to keep reading as if each sentence is an absolute universe in itself. I want to be patient. I want to minimize. My life is very complex and it makes it easy to organize if there less visual weight burdening me. I want to continue to learn and read and explore. I want to integrate the people and ideas that I have kept separate. I hate I exclude some people because I think they are strangers. I wonder if my guilt for being discerning is... oct 31 2014 ∞
oct 31 2014 + |
-andre breton: surrealist -edward said -jose estaban munoz -julietta singh -michelle cliff -jamaica kincaid -j.m coetzee -Mahasweta Devi -Franz Fanton -Aimee Cezaire -Indra Sinha Paul B. Preciado Jayna Brown jul 26 2018 ∞
jul 26 2018 +
-Audiobook: Queen of the Night -Audiobook: SwingTime by Zadie Smith: a noname narr... apr 24 2017 ∞
mar 21 2018 + I could be sustained by pure fury sep 13 2016 ∞
sep 13 2016 + i do have a lot of fear. I am the stagnant one. i am contented because i am not related. i have fear that i won't be supported in my academic pursuits. jun 21 2015 ∞
jun 21 2015 + failing in a new place isn't easy it's very humiliating but i hope i have enough buffer not to get kicked out i really should have some back ups that i take seriously i have not slept very much last night: 3:30-7:15 monday night: i slept the full night i believe so no excuse there but sunday was awful internally i feel like i am crumbling. i hate falling apart in public view. i always feel like i have to runaway from myself and my reputation. i hate that i deserve to fail and that i my actions proved that i feel like i should act like a failure. i hate that i let something like school define me. right now i am not sure what in my everyday actions is defining me. I guess supportive gf but even there i think i bring more pain that healing and suppor... may 6 2015 ∞
may 6 2015 + when someone forgets my name... does that count as a micro aggression? It sure felt like it At first I thought maybe all my dislike for this dude has been felt energetically somehow. Or perhaps i have a huge ego? i dunno Only two more weeks left of his class and he sucks and i won't take him again and i will move far far far away from this place. how can his mentor adore me? they teach the same subject sigh i get so sad sometimes over people and concepts i loathe. it penetrates space in my mind and renders me disabled. why is everything a split? i divorce myself from activities i enjoy for fear that it can't be proven in a study. I have to actively engage the idea that if it feels good and for that reason alone, it shoul... apr 23 2015 ∞
apr 23 2015 + today i am taking it all much slower my fingers are nimble and deliberate i mended a sweater but lost a book, actually several apr 8 2015 ∞
apr 8 2015 + sometimes i zone out on fashion blogs because they are so fucking banal its calming apr 8 2015 ∞
apr 8 2015 + sadgirls.com i should let the discomfort of writing in this macrocosm go a seamless reality, a similar grade cleaning as symbology: those who clean, keep it neat, untouched living spaces seem to succeed what of constraint and freedom? What of nuanced refrain? Shamed upon waking, as a result of not being roused (i was dreaming we were on swivel chairs, swiveling.we were in the harry potter dining room of the madonna inn, we were going to see carmen, we were in a lottery, only 10 could go... i never fight for a spot in line... i never compete) never spared, not even silently mental breakdown, bs clown breakdown
i have been drinking avocado shakes latel... apr 5 2015 ∞
apr 5 2015 + I have been punishing myself. I have been trying to muffle my ego. Recently I have been breaking things by abusing, overusing them. Thoughtless and careless. My choices wreak havoc. I make the choice and they destroy. I haven't let myself cry. The feeling is all consuming. I feel completely weak in myself. I almost vomited when I had to an in class assignment. He has taught me so much. He is truth seeker. How can he stand to be with such a storyteller? I have very little authenticity to offer the world. I forgave him but not myself. why have I stopped making art? nov 13 2014 ∞
nov 13 2014 + on living here, it's like a fear and anxiousness. tight chest, shoulders round inward. closed heart. fear. humiliation. I don't want to live here. I do want the option. Nothing is getting done. They all reflect one another and no one is praised or thanked EVER. Weakness I feel. The mistrust in others has washed on myself. I don't trust myself. One day someone here is going to kill everyone. Whether it is metaphorically or otherwise. I know I have to get out. Please don't make me go up north. I just want to live off fruit forever. nov 2 2014 ∞
nov 2 2014 + |