failing in a new place isn't easy

it's very humiliating

but i hope i have enough buffer not to get kicked out

i really should have some back ups that i take seriously

i have not slept very much

last night: 3:30-7:15

monday night: i slept the full night i believe so no excuse there but sunday was awful internally

i feel like i am crumbling. i hate falling apart in public view. i always feel like i have to runaway from myself and my reputation. i hate that i deserve to fail and that i my actions proved that i feel like i should act like a failure.

i hate that i let something like school define me. right now i am not sure what in my everyday actions is defining me. I guess supportive gf but even there i think i bring more pain that healing and support. i have been saying yes to things/ places/events/ideas that i am not sure i even support.