last night poisoned me i woke up with a stomach ache at 4 in the morning and i pretended that i wasn't thirsty and i pretended that i was okay and i pretended that i was not waiting for you or something like that, something like that. i have been awake since and my body feels clouded and chained to some impossible strength and i can't touch myself without feeling the rubber in my mouth. did i taunt you for an hour? did i tell you i hate you? did i tell you to touch me? did i cry and scream? were you scared? you were scared. i said i hated you. i said your name over and over and remembered its shape. you were scared. you were scared. i am shapeless without you and i fell through the distance. i know i would never tell you about the secret and wonderful pain. i can never afford to lose the feeling of you but i will either lose it through friction or forgetting. i don't want to forget hope and achiness. i want to forget it. i don't want to understand that you are real and whole for me. i want to forget it. i don't know how to write to you. i don't know how to speak without hurting you. i don't know how to pretend to be a lamb when i feel like a knife, and i have made you already too greatly uncomfortable to continue. you think all you've done is hurt me and i would be better without you. we wish this never happened. we wish we were other people. we wished we never knew the feeling of each other. we can be together soon. it doesn't matter to me the way it does to you. you breathe in memories that i stab myself with. we sit around stitching each other up but my frozen butterflies pour out over and over. i have a head of bees but i promise i will never stop giving you honey. i have a head of bees. your night is nothing like mine. your day is measured in flames, mine in stickers. i don't know HOW to cough on your heart when i do not have cigarettes. i do not know HOW to sneeze on your chest when you promise me tissues. i do not know how to be your disease like you are mine. something about you...