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| i should have known that i would have been numb until friday. i don't have the option, the desperate urge to move out has never been stronger. If only i could get my shit together to write a damn resume for the zine. fear or laziness. desperation keeps my eyes open. You also feel the pain especially on weekends. We were weekend lovers. I should tread especially cautiously on these days. the other man laughs nervously at my flirtatious tendencies. I don't think he has ever been charmed before. I have to lay low. Give him some time to miss me and for me to miss me. nov 23 2013 ∞
nov 23 2013 +
I am growing tired of being ashamed for what I like. You make me ashamed for loving you. Love is not the vulgar crime you make it out to be. Why am I so surprised when people know things? It takes a few seconds for it all to register. I went to a party, and I realized even they didn't want to be there. It was sad and fucked up, looking around I realized it must have been that way for a while. clouds this week on kopavogur are closing so much sep 23 2013 ∞
sep 23 2013 + Artistic Limitations Inherent In Adjustable Ambient Control Modules jul 14 2013 ∞
jul 14 2013 +
The faulty shapeshifter pedals fallacies Every move is deliberate and forced Skin prickling, I dwell in discomfort The puzzle piece that will not fit jun 6 2013 ∞
jun 6 2013 + ※ Ambient insect intensity learn to read the shattered image the pain is resisting , conglamorate ... defined by it's very evasion of definition jul 4 2013 ∞
jul 4 2013 + Some days I do certainly feel a little guilt that I attempt to give people what I have only ever dreamed of giving to you; and with that I am undeniably embarrassed for having these feelings - yet I know well enough that they are so delicate that I do not wish to stop my dreaming in spring I am unhappy, this is when men leave my side of the moon and the sun is bright. spring has always been a better time to tell people that you are ok, because even when you're not, the sun is bright. in winter nobody can lie. I hate being told to go to sleep. when people tell me what to do, sometimes I hear it in their voice. This is what I would do, so I think you should do it. this is why I disregard rules altogether. they aren't illogical; I like to be left alone. even love at a distance offers a propensity that makes all other love - consummate, passionate - look incapable. I wear no medals and h... may 14 2013 ∞
may 14 2013 + it's here again and uglier. i think its disjointed body matches its dry and cystic face. a game of disorder with a penchant for the stuttering blur of open holes and broken bones i don't want to take my medicine nobody can fix a body that isn't there i have to take my medicine now a whole new animal i know what you're doing, i know why you're doing it. why do you feel that way? i already know, i have to ask you because it is appropriate. why are you ignoring me? a deserted knife waiting for the right warrior to start a thousand wars already tired from the bloodshed and the muscle he uses to prove himself, to prove the knife's interest what unpleasant experiences have made anything remotely normal so uninteresting? b... apr 18 2013 ∞
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aug 15 2013 + last night we were all lying on the bed, but his body and mine were touching my cheek on his arm, my shoulder in his side, my hip to his leg i don't think I have ever felt so content and warm so now I'm left to wonder: was he feeling the same? Or was he just too high to care that he was touching me and me him? i worry that this budding romance is entirely one sided and that it's all fabricated in my mind but something in me is keeping me hopeful i just want to feel that way again mar 11 2013 ∞
mar 11 2013 + why do i do this to myself i just drive myself crazy over and over again and i just cannot shut off my mind. it's just this vicious cycle of loathing and misery and catastrophe but I dwell in it. I dwell in all of the possibilities, the countless, innumerable, infinite, comforting and terrifying possibilities. I just keep going and striving for those sweet, too-short moments of bliss and hope. Those moments are always so outnumbered. mar 5 2013 ∞
mar 5 2013 + I'm practically a child still I've had many experiences But I lack any experience I'm a tulip in a cup; I stand no chance of growing up. mar 5 2013 ∞
mar 5 2013 + tilfinningar hreyfa í kring í mér í nýtt og rólegum hætti. ég gef mjög vel upp að reyna að hafa viðbrögð köldu sturtu, þegar ég elska einhvern nóg til að færa í gegnum þá og hugga þá eins og heitan einn. það gæti hafa verið eitthvað þess virði að hugsa um áður en ég sofa, virði renni hendurnar undir teppinu mínu, undir borðinu mínu. ------------------------------------------ minna abled, lítil fóru, sterkur hugarfar og dýrindis fólk hefur hör og óhreinindi lykt ------------------------------------------ hvernig getur einhver verið raunveruleg og elskulegur líka? hversu oft er það að einhver er alvöru? hvernig í ósköpunum er hægt að vita hvernig á að elska? og hvers vegna? mar 4 2013 ∞
aug 15 2013 + your chain welcomes the kiss everywhere but my lips let it fucking seep into your pupils let it fuck you because it fucks me too touch my places with your need before it was unclean my ball is my son it gives the thoughtless fuck a hand to hold - knives become fingers my entire worth in your lap guilt covered feather knuckles --- a jealous kind of animal, she thinks she's a deer but it's much worse than what is imaginable everyone eats together she counts her spots she knows her veins mar 4 2013 ∞
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Conversations with the mirror, (hissing…) “what,?” HISSING and the aplomb of illusion. Mononymous persons and “the pigments of bewilderment.” (whispering…) “speak up,” whispering. “Who cares?!” I care, so strange how you understand. “I’ll refill my dear.” wine stain on the tooth of the page. Blood on the beige blouse. I’m the devil in the black dress again. (accurate and hermaphroditic). jul 21 2013 ∞
jul 21 2013 + how all this mistaken idea of denouncing of a pleasure and praising pain was born , a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. aug 15 2013 ∞
aug 22 2013 + speed up the disintegration process jul 5 2013 ∞
jul 5 2013 + 5-13-2013 only will I dream when the dream is real a mass of mouth comes up against the throat - the freedom of sharing a mouthful is that the slop that lands into the ear is never the pristine pebble locked in the throat. it means we never have to worry about being heard, only listened to. that the morning continues to come after we failed the night is what surprises us, or what should surprise us may 24 2013 ∞
may 24 2013 + i’ve seen his face and he doesn’t even know what he wants 3/23 I've waited forever but I did not know I was waiting I tell a man my date of birth and he gets hard "Tears made me hard. Birth date excited me." you probably love everything that is worthy of your gaze for a few moments and the inability to see or touch me aids your fantasy greatly. there is nothing else there. I can be anything anyone wants, but what they need, could never, ever be me 3/29 remember that a touch from any direction is felt on both ends 4-8-13 self interest is often disguised as self loathing I dream that pain gives more than it can get apr 29 2013 ∞
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apr 3 2013 + Iceland - reyjavik - Garðabær - Selfoss Russia - Moscow - Казань - Новороссийск Finland - Jyväskylä - Helsinki Alaska - skagway Switzerland - Zurich - Zug mar 5 2013 ∞
mar 28 2013 + eins og þú biðja er eins og the vegur ég elska þú ert eins og barn með öllu sem ég skrifa. ef ég er að snerta eitthvað með rithönd mína á það, langar þig til að lesa það. ef ég láta það standa, þú nennir ekki Stærsti ótti minn er embed in í a stykki pappír er að eina örugga stað fyrir orð til að fara þegar þeir fara á hjarta? mar 4 2013 ∞
aug 15 2013 + Well that was exceptionally pleasant and quite the end to a thrilling narrative, but really I’m just saying that because it wasn’t pleasant at all. Rather it was disturbing and morose but I’m alright with that because sometimes that’s just how the brain works. All I can think about are my thoughts which provides more thinking which fuels the thoughts and the thoughts explode in a torrent of cognition and it is all so exciting but so overwhelming and it effects everything. I’m constantly wondering why did I say that? What could the effects of me saying that be? How did they react? Who likes me? Do I like me? Do they like me? and the thoughts just keep pouring but also about less trivial things, depending on your point of view. Late at night I stay awake doing mathematic equations in my head, nothing particularly difficult or genius just simple mathematical algorithms to meet solut... mar 5 2013 ∞
mar 5 2013 + I need to learn to take everything in stride, one day at a time. Rather I dwell endlessly, I dwell and crawl and roll around in the misery of my doubts or in the joy of my hopes. I get myself down too easily. I get myself up too easily (oh my). I just need some balance and to stop overthinking. mar 5 2013 ∞
mar 5 2013 + there is an x and a y, and i am x and you are y and x~y, as in, x is similar to y, save a few flaws and a few mood swings and few mixes and matches and a few drinks and a few open wounds and few tales, and as everyone knows, dead men tell no tales, and we are equally so so alive. but you see, this is x, and this, this is (y), trapped inbetween brackets, an awkward method of the order of operations meant to preserve and protect certain equations from harm, but really this is a trick and a trap because y will remain there, unable to grow, or develop, divide add subtract, join the rest of the variables and numbers in that mix of algebra two, because y is idle, stuck in this situation. and x, x is able to blend and move and make new numbers with a’s and b’s. therefore, x’s situation>y’s situation, always. mar 28 2013 ∞
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The faulty shapeshifter pedals fallacies Every move is deliberate and forced Skin prickling, I dwell in discomfort The puzzle piece that will not fit mar 5 2013 ∞
mar 5 2013 + last night poisoned me i woke up with a stomach ache at 4 in the morning and i pretended that i wasn't thirsty and i pretended that i was okay and i pretended that i was not waiting for you or something like that, something like that. i have been awake since and my body feels clouded and chained to some impossible strength and i can't touch myself without feeling the rubber in my mouth. did i taunt you for an hour? did i tell you i hate you? did i tell you to touch me? did i cry and scream? were you scared? you were scared. i said i hated you. i said your name over and over and remembered its shape. you were scared. you were scared. i am shapeless without you and i fell through the distance. i know i would never tell you about the secret and wonderful pain. i can never afford to lose the feeling of you but i will either lose it through friction or forgetting. i don't want to forget hope an... mar 4 2013 ∞
mar 4 2013 + one day i'll be strangled with my own words i wonder how it feels to be convinced mar 4 2013 ∞
mar 4 2013 + the right thoughts are always showing up at the wrong times let me sleep and i will paint your face underneath my eyelids for a few minutes, i thought tomorrow , count the stars in their eyes but i just want to hide in my hands, slide my whole body in between your lithe, interested fingers braid our bodies together feeding off of one another and the gravity keeping us together fitting you into my geometry notes we are congruent we are coplanar i don't care about you i haven't see my nails since you held my hands my nails are breaking i'll be sitting inside playing the piano, you'll call out to me: "gummy worms!! they have infested our garden!!" --- oh my honey tired of everything i've told you. especially, tired, especially, because you still want to know anything and everything about me will we make baby's breath? what about azaleas? i think your sincerity scares me: it breathed on me all..._____ hurts me these linoleum floors are stran... mar 4 2013 ∞
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as you dip your feet into a cold clear pond sparkling on the rocks below you thought we were tight paper faces i thought we were home boys aug 22 2013 ∞
aug 22 2013 + I hope I become self-conscious of my body so I don't have the confidence to contact you again. What could I possibly offer you besides nov 23 2013 ∞
nov 23 2013 + stop play the words and say it was a weird way to spell how this get so nov 23 2013 ∞
nov 23 2013 + Ég get ekki annað en furða: þegar serótónín byrjar að koma jafnvægi * Mun eitthvað af þessu hafa allir merkingu lengur? Þessar hugr um líf og anda og sorg og yfirþyrmandi woes eru næstum hressandi - ég vil bara að finna allt. En ég get ekki passa tilfinningar í Svo það er betra að bara .. ekki. Og þegar ég er ekki, ég er friðsælum og einfaldlega Róið er meðfram, hunsa Björg undir bátinn minn, stöðugt ógnandi að skiljast og shatter spónn minn. Enn, í óljósar vitund minni, ég er bara að glápa á í glassy, nálægt fryst, en ómögulegur dökk yfirborð árinnar mínum. Hugsanir upon hugsunum upon hugsunum, swarming, kappreiðar, neita að láta fara en það er aftengja mar 5 2013 ∞
aug 15 2013 + In the back doling out the lard Autumn's been mild this year. jul 1 2013 ∞
jul 1 2013 + There is a sort of hopeless boredom that wafts over the courtyard, men leaning arms folded, whispering to each other and gesturing, in terse shorthand and with just-lit cigs, towards the tower. The winds are quiet here, though in the columns of warm floodlight ahead some swirls of what looks like dust, or maybe tiny flecks of vapor, coalesce obviously into little shapes, tongues of breath forking like flame and winding up the facade, brushing, kissing the brick. The tower’s base glows in the fine particulate mist. Seems the breeze is somehow starting out here, being generated, snatching up some energy or movement from the tired huddles and pulling it in, along the path and up the interior spiral ramp to the lit platform at its top. Some nighttime anomaly is sucking vampiric, some unknown specific of the night’s pressure gradient drawing, ceaselessly, on paltry human respiration; nobody... jul 5 2013 ∞
jul 5 2013 + a somatic equivalent of white noise A Ghostly Howl Echoing Through The Hallowed Halls of A Diseased Monolith Shafts of Crystalline Light Shimmering Upon The Lingering Remnants of An Infiniband Marionette It's Not An Easy Thing To Meet Your Maker Can The Maker Repair What He Makes jul 1 2013 ∞
jul 1 2013 + I just feel like I am writhing in pretense It's completely ridiculous but completely cathartic too jun 6 2013 ∞
jun 6 2013 + There's been a lot of upsetting, very upsetting things that I can't allow to happen anymore. I have to be like a soldier and march away. ' very delicate in a lot of ways, and things get to me, and effect me...in a very adverse manner. I don't need that; don't need that. I feel now like minus something, I feel faded; I don't feel like I'm all here. I think it'll come back; I hope it'll come back. There's a lot of color missing, from the way I feel, and my face, and, just everything. There's some kind of zest, or...life, you know, that seems to be faded temporarily, because I've been so drained, emotionally, by a number of things. That has to slowly build back up, and then it has to be kept sustained; it cannot be allowed to be diminished. through shared silence and heads intent on looking in the same direction. possibly, one is hoping that they are seeing the ... may 7 2013 ∞
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apr 3 2013 + 3/23 I've waited forever but I did not know I was waiting thoughts of only you, not another 3/24 if your words make me shy, your touch would send my body blushing I tell a man my date of birth and he gets hard "Tears made me hard. Birth date excited me." you probably love everything that is worthy of your gaze for a few moments and the inability to see or touch me aids your fantasy greatly. there is nothing else there. I can be anything anyone wants, but what they need, could never, ever be me 3/29 I can feel, just not this apr 3 2013 ∞
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mar 28 2013 ∞
mar 28 2013 + þú gerir mig veikur veikur veikur að kyssa þig ég held að ég myndi æla mar 5 2013 ∞
aug 15 2013 + and sorted sweet serenity had spells of darkened light but didn't find a single way to last without skin - so much honesty leads to black dusted nothingness i hate to think the way i do. if only i didn't have the ability to see myself so entirely, even all the unremovable parts like to taunt me. i fall so slack into my own lap the moment something slides along my insides, gripping without graceless resistance it sounds and feels like christmas morning and kerosene lamps in my chest - the closeness i desire would require me to be someone else -- i like to feel like i'm being hunted for the sweetest meat mar 4 2013 ∞
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aug 15 2013 + i can assure you by doing so i'm erasing more of what was never our's before ----------------------------------------- the strangest of strangers in company of characters that only know what will never happen ------------------------------------------ you'd remember a name like jules verne green and raw on the tongue weighing a mallet swallowed in silence fair enough ------------------------------------------ mar 4 2013 ∞
mar 4 2013 + sjálf viðurstyggðum er lifandi, safaríkur kynferðislega vandamál sem gerir mig giggle og blæðir á sama tíma mér finnst bara skrýtið og óeðlilegt að skrifa á pappír þegar ég ætla ekki að sitja á köldum borðinu og hunsa einhvern sem ég ætti að hlusta á. móta án hornum ekki gráta teardrop lagaður tár og er mjög vel í þörf af a hjarta lagaður hjarta. Mig langar að muna buxur sem mér fannst óhreinum og ekki minding hræðileg, minn pillowy geirvörtur brennandi gegn kláða Polos með einhvers konar gildrum geirvörtunni til lógó. ég er öll bein í kvöld án ástæðu til að vera hluti af eigin heimi mínum. ég gleymdi hvernig á að byrja setningu án þess að "ég" og heiðarlega (ekki það að ég hafði verið að ljúga samt) Ég er ekki að tala um sjálfan mig. það þarf ekki að vera svona mar 4 2013 ∞
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aug 15 2013 + February
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mar 4 2013 ∞
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