the alarming urge to write down something or else i will take a pile of tranquillizers (again)

my life hasnt been easy recently. taking 2022 as the milestone, its been so damn long since i felt like seriously taking my life (again). in the library of my mind ive always been in a devastatingly drained mental state from the final months of last year and it doesnt get any better until now. i certainly still felt joy, i did and i still do, but quickly as it came quickly as it went and even more swiftly i returned to the predicably paralyzing state. its almost like i have fallen back to the neverending hole of 16, though i know its not. its not the same as back then. but the helplessness feels exactly the same, the i-cant-make-it type of hard. i feel so lost. last night when waiting for the traffic lights to change at the crossroad, it weirded me out as i knew precisely where i was heading to yet still i felt like something was not making sense, either i followed the wrong direction or the end awaiting for me was wrong. what lay within my sight was an endlessly long, pitch black, rainy road that i had to pave to get to a place where i didnt exactly want to. i got the means but how to go, and why to go, or should i even go from the first place. i should just end everything i thought. the broken pieces of me felt bizarrely heavy and i could no longer hold them together i thought. i feel so broken. i dont know which range of words to use to describe what broken feels like because none of them is enough to depict the pain i feel for being so broken. i wonder why in such entangled, grey emotions existing within me, all those i can never name, only pain feels the most patent. the word patent is the most suitable i bet, because it goes well with how i am as a human. patent is used to describe a theory, a fact, and my mechanism to exist is to create a system of rules and regulations, to categorize each and every thing possible, to make them obvious and recognizable. what is vague scares me, what is unnamed fears me, what is uneasily called frightens me, so what i did was to cross out all of my emotions and function like a machine. the more tired i am the more work i drive myself into, until as a machine breaks down for overtime i also broke down for overworked and overwhelmed of all disgusting emotions both nameable or unnameable. and at this point the pains are unbearably extravagant. all the pains do not kill me and ironically what doesnt kill me doesnt exactly make me stronger but only tears me into more and more negligible pieces. those pain are like a wound with a slit remaining open and blood congealed but not fully dried, it still pains me once i touch and i have no other option but to touch it so as to treat it, only to wait for the day all the vessels break simultaneously and blood turbulently flushes out of my body, i fall in misery trying to bandage it again, and it breaks repeatedly as if mocking me and my useless self, and it again breaks me over and over. everyday i wake up to a broken heart, i dont even know why, my lungs just feel incredibly heavy, and even getting out of bed seems to be a challenge. everything feels horrible. i cant sleep. i cant eat. i cant write. i cant draw. i stop cleaning my room. i stop reading. i dont want to talk. i dont want to go out. even working is now a hassle. i lost some weights again. i spent money on drinks and tons of medicine to compensate for the meals that i didnt have. i spent money on multiple meaningless shit only to distract myself from the pain. but at this point i dont even open the goods i bought anymore, and this, this is when i realize im really close to the point of losing my life. im in so much pain. i feel so sad. i feel so depressed. i feel so desperate. i feel so miserable. what am i supposed to do. can anything alleviate my pains except for antidepressants. i dont want to die. i only want to stop feeling so hurted. i just want peace. and now all i know is even that is unreasonable, intolerable and impossible desire. im crazy.