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BORDERLINE BITCH HOW TO DERAIL YOUR LIFE and have fun doing it.

Before we begin, this isn't actually a how-to guide. This is an explorative collection of anecdotes and horror stories to tell you how not to compose yourself. I am a living, breathing testimony of poor choices. This is my life, with borderline personality disorder.

I don't know when it began, but the budding signs of questionable behaviour was there, in my gingham school dress and ankle socks, my jelly shoes, it was there marinating my being, preparing me for never ending turbulence. The patchwork of my childhood is often blamed, but who knows really what made my emotive reactions and mood instability what they were. I remember hiding in the toilet stuffing my entire packed lunch down there in a fit of spite, a rice krispie square, a fruit winder, my sandwich. I was hiding from my classma...

your baby was a florist buried a body in the forrest she was never found what happens next happens now

sorry i ruined your body sorry i ruined your party big dreams you had big dreams you had big dreams

• i would love to create a website, something interactive for young female suffers of endo, vaginismus, PCOS etc
• an almost forum that is user friendly and beautifully designed
• has people on hand to swap stories and be there without medical knowledge, but friendly and supportive and even become pen pals
• can be anonymous or not
• swap advice for best ways to handle it, foods and treatments that heal and others that exacerbate the situation
• easy to understand, thoughtful and with humour
• girlhood together, dealing with the impact it can have on your sexuality and mental health
• TIPS AND TRICKS OF THE TRADE
• different sections focusing on different aspects of the illnesses

• you associate food with family issues & your life at home - cut the ribbon - gorging over eating and using food as an emotional crutch will essentially ruin your health, body image and whole life.
• don't panic eat
• don't eat in front of the TV
• don't eat things you know will hurt your stomach
• don't SECRET EAT
• listen to your body and stop when full
• don't punish yourself with binging
• don't berate yourself if you have a slip up
• focus on health, not weight loss
• cook your own meals so you can have some control over your intake

hit the ground runnin cuz ive been living wrong2 full decades long

the fight ran dry tonight baby i'm done with clutching on

• no coffees out for a month
• put away a fiver a week
• pay for less food or make packed lunches
• sell stuff if you can
• get savings account

are you locked out? are you stuck at omega on the doorstep? are you feelin for the cinder block its all rotten here

someone smashed the keys someone trashed the walkway someone plucked me clean

you can't say such a thing then stop talking what am i supposed to do now? sit around turning dates down made up for nothing petite little clown

IF IT WERE UP TO ME I'D MAKE IT WORSE I'LL RUN FASTER INTO THE WALL HEAD FIRST I'D BE SHEDDING MY SKIN I'D BATHE IN THE WINE I'D FUCK YOU FUCK YOU UNDER MY BREATH ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

CRAWL OVER, JUST DO IT NOW THERE'S ALL OF US AND ONE OF THEM.

I was recently sat with my room mate, when i noticed she was rapidly storming through my facebook profile pictures and concentrating unusually hard for a fairly easy activity, when i asked her what she was doing she sat in pained silence for about 15 seconds before she says "you really love yourself don't you" as she signalled to the screen, the offending photo in question being that of me in an instagram friendly square selfie, not doing much other than a slight pout, my eyes wide. i felt the blood rush out of my face, i felt my eyes widen, i can only describe this as being physically mortified, i even stammered when i rushed to defend my reasonibly normal profile picture "of course not!!, you know, i mean, you know its just, its just a picture!!", i went into my bedroom feeling indignant, i mean how could she think that i LOVED myself, that i was vain and self obsessed, but most of all i...

Its hard for me because I identify with the plight of the teenage girl so strongly, that now aged 24, I have no idea how I got this far.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE 'TEENAGE/YOUNG GIRL' as a concept

• you can make mistakes but everybody thinks its cute
• you can be angsty and bitchy but its just growing pains
• you can be overtly flirtatious and walk around tying cherry stems with your goddamned tongue and wear lace knickers and drink fruit wine from the bottle and nobody thinks you are a desperate woman trying to find a fuck you are just toying with the feminine aesthetic like a cat with a ball of string
• you can have eating disorders without it seeming pathetic or passe, and lets face it when you live at home with your parent...

As I sit and delete tinder off my phone for what must be the 11th time in 2 years, I can't help but wonder, why is it that my weight fluctuates, friends come and go, I get hired, I get fired, yet the one thing that stays the same is my romantic status? What makes some people serial relationshippers? What makes some girls irresistible but more importantly 'cherished' and what makes women like me, hitting mid twenties, feel like the pariahs of the dating world? The issue I feel, is the crushing expectation, ladled out, that you should be getting regular sex and a regular paycheck, something I know little to none of.

I have dated, sporadically, and with 0 successes. I am 24 years of age and the longest time I have spent dating the same person is... two weeks.

Personally, the hardest part of being eternally single is not having anybody to re...

• SHOULD YOU, OR SHOULD YOU NOT WISH A MAN HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHEN YOU HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HE IS NOW IN A SERIOUS LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, AND YOU DON'T SPEAK? ANSWERS..

Understand, i could try a little harder but the excuses feel so good

go down with a bang, i spill over and over till theres nothing left i'm addicted to the share too candid to care you said.

I PUT A PICTURE OF YOU AS MY PHONE BACKGROUND AND AT FIRST IT WAS FUNNY BUT NOW I CAN SEE HATE IN YOUR EYES, I THINK ITS WORRYING, I DO WORRY.

Dear baby.

The thing about letters is that no matter how many you write to romanticise life we still live in a shitty fucked up world, that includes you too baby and don't you forget it. I sometimes dream of those terracotta and pastel bungalows and blue skies. Last time I told you not to call, you ignored me, Therese picked the damn phone up and then cried for me, she didn't tell me until the next day as I was halfway through a box of char sui pork noodles from Chan's and she knows that is my favourite part of Wednesday night, you know that too, is that why you decided to be a prick and call?

Therese is doing good apart from that, she's joined a few sports teams which is funny because you know I hate any movement that isn't walking or sex and so do you.

It was early and his erection was already hurting him, knock over a dried up cactus, open a window.

The trouble with new ones is that they never know the drill, never leave in time, always hover around waiting for a sign that it wasn't just a mistake fuck or just something to pass the time, annoyances.

He pulls on a sweater and walks to the bathroom to smear his eyes and mouth with cold wet tissue paper and bend to drink water from the faucet. She's still here and she's doing that annoying thing they do to look appealing in fake sleep, arching her back sticking her butt out from beneath the sheets, as if he was just a schmuck who had never seen a girl naked in bed before and he couldn't resist it.

He slouches back into the bed and pretends to ignore her then begins the slow assault of knocking his penis into the base of her spine so she can in turn pretend to...

Just like that I kindle like i always do set the bed alight like i always do

know the burn swells to touch need love far too much abnormal thirsts tend to feel that way tend to my needs every day

what do i do now what do i do now what do i do to forgive me

just say it say you've had enough been pushed over limit didn't exist until today abnormal love tends to feel that way just tend to my body every day

know the burn swells to touch need you far too much it couldn't last!

she puts her stars in a milk glass and tightens the lid she's got a ribbon round her waist which she ties at the hips

ENDURANCE, HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?

Recently i've been thinking long and hard about the way my female friends

babies face down in the sea sand wash to free the angel beneath why did i get what i have?

i'll love anyone who loves me don't have to be pretty just rub my mind out for a while

i'll fall over if you want me keep my glass full for the night bokeh the lights

i'll love anyone who loves me just watch me

cant stand up cant say no go out every night when i wanna stay home

WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT IN GIVING EACH BIT OF MY BODY TO YOU AND LETTING MY INNARDS SLUG ALONG AND THE HURT AND THE MURDER WHEN YOU CAN'T MOP ME UP, NOT REALLY NO PATCHES HERE, IT WAS LIKE LIVING THE LIFE OF SOME OTHER GIRL ANY OTHER GIRL BUT ME.

AND NOW, ITS SEEEEEEEEETHING AND BOILING AND I'M WRITING YOU MESSAGE AFTER MESSAGE BUT NEVER PRESSING SEND, I CANNOT PRESS SEND, I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE YOU SAD.

ive tried to scale the walls, i have, but old habits.. you know how it goes.

I WANT TO THANK YOU BUT THE SAME TIME FUCK YOU FOR NOT SEEING ME WHEN I NEEDED TOO, I SAT ALONE LIKE SOME FUCKING LOSER AND DIDN'T GO OUT WITH MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I WAS WAITING AND NOW I'M A DUMB FUCKING DUMB ASSHOLE BITCH WHO GOT THE WRONG END OF THE STICK AS ALWAYS, I'M ALWAYS WRONG I'M ALWAYS WRONG I'M ALWAYS WRONG

• female condom? why so awful. - try and use...?
• going sober for a month and trying to date, surely that'll be hilarious.

I LAID IT TO REST WHEN WE PUT IT TO BED YOUR WET ON MY BOTTOM LIP NONCHALANT LIKE THE GIRLS IN FILMS WHO HAD TASTED LOVE AND LOVED IT ALL THE SAME.

I, WAS A PRETENDER, BECAUSE IT WAS A REBIRTH.

AND THE SAME WITH HIM, AND HIM, AND HIM.

ALL MIME PALMED TO BACKS ILLUSIONIST AND A GLASS BOX ONE GIRL CHAIN GANG LEARNING SLIGHT OF HAND.

Yes, of course there is something wrong. I'm not staring at my smudged bewilderment at 5am, eating a mish mash, fairly inedible plate of too milky scrambled egg with lemon pesto splodged on top because i feel fine. My brain is peppered so badly with chaos that I become jumpy and agitated at my own imaginings, an escaped feather from my down duvet looks like some stick limbed arachnid, bouncing on the mountains of my bed. I want to sleep soundly. I want to wake up and go to a job that leaves me sated, preoccupied and financially stable, I want to have a group of friends that wish to see me so happy, I wish to treat myself to fucking cheese fondue and take polaroids of my feet in daisy chained grass. I wish my life weren't mapped out by the cystic acne on my chin, or the times I have nervous breakdowns, annual blips on the radar that cause lasting damage. By the time one heals, another begin...

my writing was much better when i was younger, a few years back every collection of words was sensuous and vivid, but i lack this because of the dampening frustration i connect with attempts to create. i am a pro at failures, or abandonments they should be called. memories of walking to my university campus building armed with strawberry coconut milks, snacks for the library, i really wanted to be academic, and prove that i had a brain worth using, but i got tricked by myself, you see.

i would sit and flick through hundreds of images, illustrations and photographs i wish i had taken, photocopied them, compiled them, trying to pluck out inspiration, i wanted so badly to work, but i was bogged down in external worries, too concerned with people watching me. social media had its vice grip round my throat, nothing was worth doing unless someone was there to 'like' it. what is a life if there ...

there was a time, god forbid, when plump and young. i was three sheets to the wind you know, or so i've heard, once or twice, three times a lady.

tainted and lit, pock marked with angry acne, smear it over but you can still see it under the vanilla cream.

flee, fleeing was all i wanted.

any asian pork belly with spring onions

jeremy sisto's face

paperchase

coconut oil as lube

cutting pizza with scissors

hating things as a bonding tool

PTT aka perfect tea temperature

cheese and beans and marmite combo

boys necks

OH I'M A LITTLE BIT SORE FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE GOT MY PRIDE SERVED TO ME WHO BLAMES WHO SHE SAID ITS YOU I SAID I'VE GOT NO CLUE

GAMES ARE FOR THE GREAT COMPETING ONLY HURT MY HEART IN THE END DON'T HAVE THAT STREAK AT ALL MY BODY WANTS YOU BUT I WON'T DO THAT FOR SURE

i won't no no i won't do that no no

SAY GOODBYE TO MY FRIENDS THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN NOT A CAT IN HELLS CHANCE

drumming nails on the marble top, ignored by the secretary. seemed freezing in the room, cold and stark. i ran a finger across the nape of my neck, a weak attempt with my body to declare, look i'm moving, i'm here, alive, give me some fucking attention.

queen of the country jail i just wanted to heal the broken ones with my hands and mouth and hair and sing all the songs from midnight mass to summers past you were my favourite bandit you were my biggest fan

what happened to our story?

all i wanted was to want you all you thought of was to fly i've been branding you a bandit boy i love your lies boy i love your lies baby love baby lies

when ive got nothin to do i think of you late night fist fight when i've got nothin to do

nothin but you

make allowance for the moonlight they said only let a few in your bed but why i've got nothin to do

nothin but you

YOU SAY I FORCE YOUR HAND MAKE YOU CHOOSE KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT I'M PAST THE POINT PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN

HONEY HONEY HONEY WHAT A LIE YOU SPUN ME

• cook a perfect roast
• go a month without substances
• wake up at 8.30
• rock climb
• enjoy walking
• compile short stories to self publish
• zine create
• do a carboot
• practise spanish
• visit berlin
• learn how to play chess properly
• do a solo gig
• watch avatar and lord of the rings and bare it..
• learn to whistle
• go on a trip, alone
• get to 62 kilos again
• send more letters
• dog walk

you told me listen to this song it reminds me of our situation don't care for it but its on repeat its on repeat

i'll be spread, intrusive, so conclusive you'll be boarding, bitter morning blues

they'll ask me are you comfortable they'll ask you if you are too but i'll be mile end you mile high

Being a crazy movie girl aka developing cinematic obsessions and pumping yourself full of film knowledge and being under the age of 30 probably means you have a lot to talk about on first dates but also that you'll have watched enough indie cinema to recognize the tropes of the 'manic pixie dreamgirl' and you can see when you're washing draped around your flat looks like a scene out of bertolucci's 'the dreamers'.

if you know the heroines of bokeh'ed films, all soft grading and alot of smokes, bad attitudes, carefree attitude to casual sex, alcohol, mentally ill and can't hold a job down but never without some bitchin good lingerie poking out of a shirt or long flowing hair and a middle to end montage of sadness, yeah these girls people pine to be, the muse, but what happens when that IS your life and there is no man to save you from yourself?

• a - z of dire sex
• human intolerance - a guide to not murder everybody
• was that a creature from the ocean or my liver that just fell out of my vagina?
• bedside buffet, a cautionary tale.

• i can hear the loudest sodding mosquito in the world, i've had to crawl out of bed to get the chimichurri olives out of the fridge and neck iced tea, my body clock doesn't really care about what i want.

work is vile, of course every second of the day i'm riddled with desperation to get out of there, having to touch disgusting things when we clear out the bar, having to listen to people, having to be on display all the time, i want to sit in a dark room where nobody can see me, sick of public transport, sick of feeling enormous.

living here, i can hear footsteps over my head, as they climb over the allotment, leave ends of spliffs in the grass, and cans littering the green, they walk past the chicken coop, they climb and stomp onto the gritty ledge as if i don't exist, how would they know i am down here? softly weeping, masturbating, sleeping, dreaming. i hear snippets, broken conversation "i need a white girl", bad ringtones, discussions about DJ's. i am hiding almost aligned with the cinderblock.

when i shower, i hop out and pad to the bedroom, by the time i sit down my feet are black with filth. i have almost given up trying to make things look nice, what a sham, what a life at 24, almost a quarter of a century old.

junkies, pale, eyes rolling, never quite there in the room with you, always mumbling, marbles free falling, crashing against the floor, waiting for you to pick them...

there is always noise, it seems. all the love in the world wouldn't be enough.

today i sat in silence and had coffee next to a stranger, i don't think he spoke english as he kept signalling for me to share cigarettes with him by pointing and nodding.

its funny how at first you feel put out by having to share spaces with people you don't know, the alien feel of being in close proximity with somebody so many worlds apart from you, but once you ease into it without the segregating forcefield of having a mobile phone on you, its pleasant.

people that hurt animals and children

food envy

rail replacement bus service

sulky sales assistants

smudging wet nail varnish

being too poor to get a cab home

bugs landing in your drink

sharing a living space with people you hate

when you get a fresh pressed juice and its lukewarm

• zero theorum
• carnage
• what we do in the shadows
• into the woods
• hellion
• boyhood
• to write love on her arms
• monsters university
• wild
• fed up documentary
• pulp documentary
• nymphomaniac I & II
• cake
• locke
• big eyes
• birdman
• hedwig & the angry inch
• lars and the real girl
• hesher
• forgetting sarah marshall
• dreamgirls