• i am candide
• choir tour to san francisco begins in two weeks; will be at the airport at five in the morning but i adore adore adore airports, i love the promise and the foreignness and the novelty and the energy that surrounds it all.
• i play tiny wings before i go to sleep and somehow it calms me so deeply.
• i want desperately to bake a pear tart and scatter flower petals over it. i don't know what caused this but it has almost consumed me! :)
• i almost cannot take all this anymore. cannot cannot cannot.

i need to move on from this, i just want the ib diploma, it will mean that everything has come together neatly and i can look back on this with the knowledge that it meant something. at the moment all it means is permanent shadows on my face and my hair falling out in my sleep and tears between class periods and just toxic despair. i do not like being like this. it is not my natural state. i am meant to be independent and loving and creating beauty but the stress has taken these from me and devoured them. i am never angry but i am enraged at this, enraged at what i have paid so dearly for, and for what? a destroyed sense of self and a battered spirit. oh forgive me all this. i want to be sleeping beauty but both of these qualities have escaped me for now. i am a frightening, hideous insomniac.