- My family - my mother, my aunt, my cousins, my father, my brother, everyone.
- My Mean Girls work environment where everyone talks behind each other's back, is catty and superficial and spiteful.
- Having to "fake it" when in this environment because I need this job.
- Not having a car to escape the madness.
- Not having enough money to move out and escape the madness.
- Being judged by other people, significant and insignificant, before they even know me.
- Being dismissed by said judges as someone to know at all, even after I've put effort into getting to know them and accept them.
- Trying to avoid said judges in order to be around people I love and feeling like I'm a rat, sneaking around behind house walls.
- Being angry all the time makes me angry. Why can't I come down from this cloud of rage? I do not feel at peace. Every little slight or ambiguous gesture someone does sets me off. I'm already riding the red train, so seeing other people do half-considerate motions and half-genuine things, if not genuine at all, just makes the train accelerate all the more. People irritate me!
- PEOPLE! People with their stupid, half-figured out problems, and their half-developed morals. It's not hard to figure out if what you're doing is right or wrong! Morals are taught to you from Day 1 of life. After you reach a certain age, you should be able to define what morals are for yourself. If you neglect to caretake after them and be conscious of them, then what are you? TOXIC. You're a toxic, shapeless person with no standing. Just use common sense and don't treat people like shit! It's not hard.
- Not being able to calm down, be free, and write. All of this anger is blocking me up. I want to sit down and finish my books but all the emotion I have to offer my characters is anger, and irritability, and tension. Works great for sexual scenes but nothing else! There is no flow, no range, not true depth and feeling. I'm nothing but a rage machine.
- When my mother texts and drives, or insists upon checking her phone whilst behind the wheel. It's the stupidest and most petty thing in the universe that could potentially result in ALL OF OUR IMMEDIATE DEATHS. She just doesn't comprehend this, no matter how many times I've tried to drill it into her head, and I've tried way more times that I should've by now.
- The fact that nothing I do or say gets through to my mother about anything! She keeps on doing the same ineffective and financially (and physically) jeopardizing activities and burying herself deeper into her own hole. No one can help her! She's like a child. She uses people as a means to an end, and then goes back to doing what first got her in the mess to begin with. She's practically a lost cause. The only thing that ever got through to her was my father's divorce from her, and then she became about 60% more tolerable. But have her spending habits, driving habits, and social habits changed at all? Not whatsoever!
- The fact that my mother and brother may both die before changing their ways and becoming better, happier people, makes me even more disappointed. They make themselves miserable and refuse to change. They take advantage of the people who want to help them, so that in the end they're always left alone. They're toxic. Everyone has a problem with them, and treat me as the ambassador of my family's shitty mistakes, and there's nothing I can do to fix them. Nothing in history has ever fixed them, how could I? And I've tried close to everything, including upping and leaving. They don't change. If they die the way they do, it won't be my fault.
- My father isn't suffering anymore really, he has a new family he's adopting in a new state across the country, and he's certainly not in a horrible miserable environment anymore, and really aside from his unhealthy diet he's doing nothing to make himself miserable. I think what upsets me is the idea that I'll still resent him for leaving us even when he dies. I don't want that to be the title to his last chapter. "He left us. And years later, he died." That's just not peaceful or happy. Regardless of what he's done to us or not done to us, I want to remember him happily, despite the hurt I may feel now. I just don't want to be bitter.
aug 4 2014 ∞
aug 5 2014 +
aug 5 2014 +