• february 16: heaviness has carried over into my body from sleep. i'm still learning that the twenty-four hours within a sunday are just as critical as those on a friday. i'm trying to grasp on to my life even on work days, but i seem to lose sight of it in longing for consecutive days where there are no plans and nothing is expected of me. time is a difficult thing to manage without feeling as if i'd please/nourish myself more by spending it otherwise. i'm trying to be more central and present in my thoughts, which involves digesting more and reacting less. what my body could use more of: deep breaths, hydration. ( 1 k. )
  • february 17: always oscillating between busying myself and longing to be home. i think the journey to live in every moment, and have those moments include work, is going to be a long one for me. even just out of high school i would find any means to stay home, have a shift covered, ensure i had no plans and could do with my night and day whatever i wished. my boss asked me a few months ago what it looked like for me to have no anxiety, and it's been one of the most impactful questions i've ever been asked. the answer: nothing. no one expecting me, nothing expected of me. what my body could use more of: stretching, hydration.
  • february 18: tired.
  • february 19: today i was able to talk about my anxiety and feel as if someone truly listened to it, and of all people, it was one of my bosses. i know because there was silence, and there was conversation, but they weren't two in the same and they each had their own space. my dad doesn't believe in anxiety, he doesn't believe in the medication, he doesn't believe in the panic even though he's witnessed one of my attacks in the flesh. i don't expect everyone to understand anxiety, but it's a sort of 'whole' feeling to have someone try. and honestly. thank you. (also, lizzo was sung on the way home. on repeat.)
  • february 24: on weekends time escapes me. tiredness seems to be reserved for mondays.
  • february 28: my fingers are perpetually cold. lately i've been hungry for a particular kind of prose, but it's so difficult for me to find an author that satisfies my appetite for language and the way it's all put together. i can't remember how long it's been now since i've read a book that's physically touched me. i need to fix that.
feb 16 2020 ∞
jan 3 2023 +