I know I want to improve and yet I still sabotage myself. Do I really not want to improve at all?

• When I consciously think of not giving in to my temptations, it gets tough. It sucks. I just want an outlet to get rid of all this energy in me - without cutting it just keeps me thinking about punching my fist into the wall
• I just want to cut myself.
• I'm just so frustrated with the urges I get. Are they even real? Why do I feel like hurting myself? Isn't against human instinct? Why do I have to fucking struggle with something like this (which is a total victim mindset - dangerous)
• I feel restless
• I feel annoying and stupid
• I feel dazed and anxious