reading

• herberto helder - os passos em volta

watching (tv)

• brooklyn nine-nine

listening to

• nicole dollanganger - smitten with you
• swet shop boys - t5
• kali uchis - melting
• bruno mars - 24k magic
• the weeknd - starboy
• slowdive - crazy for you
• say lou lou - stayin' alive
• queen (film) - london thumakda
• la la land (film) - someone in the crowd

favorite movies of the month

• the autopsy of jane doe (2016)
• the handmaiden (2016)
• divines (2016)
• the wizard of oz (1939)
• taxi driver (1976)
• miss sloane (2016) the second half only.. i think... dunno hmmmm
• queen (2003)
• la la land (2016)
• fucking åmål (1998)

occured

• beatrix is really boring irl and i couldn't have asked for a worse company to spend my new year's eve
• met a lovely group of girls and they were the highlight of this awful night. so nice, supportive, full of love and beautiful words
• met helder and he's a stoner but... he's not even a normal functional stoner... bitch could barely keep his eyes open. also he's super short SORRY BUT! TURN OFF!
• beatrix ditched us and he tried to kiss me as soon as she was gone. i refused but he kept being super touchy, trying to hug me and touch me. i was uncomfortable and told him to stop cuz i wasn't even slightly attracted to him
• when he saw there would be nothing between us he became mean and went off about how different i was from my twitter persona. basically i seemed cool online but was boring irl; i think what i was trying to say is i seem sexually promiscuous on twitter but wouldn't even let him touch me. my dude i know you wanted to bang me but i'm too good for your musty ass self
• he left me alone in the middle of lisbon and i had to find my way back to the train station. took the 4am train trying my best not to break down and cry
• got home and my eyeliner and mascara were running down my face. spent 5 minutes staring at myself in the mirror, makeup all smudged and little black dress still on wondering why i still let boys affect my self-esteem
• felt like absolutely shite for the rest of the night and stayed up til 7am talking to miguel, who proved to be the most faithful friend i could ask for. it seems like i'm stone cold to those who don't deserve it and warm and friendly to those who do me wrong
• woke up at 11am with both cats all cuddled up in me. my throat and chest were aching but i felt so in peace
• mom made up for not picking me up last night and took me to mcdonalds and then telepizza eheh there goes my "eat healthy" resolution
• i'm talking to pedro. he can never stay away from me for too long, can he? i'm not complaining, though. i think
• depersonalization got a little bit worse today. but it's alright.
• i'm getting so good at spanish!
• i'm talking to vadim and he seems to be really into me, which is a pity because he's so unfunny and uninteresting it hurts
• apparently pedro told him i'm complicated and he shouldn't get close to me
• finished watching the handmaiden and i'm 100% positive this is the definition of cinematic perfection
• went to visit grandma
• i feel like my personality's stupid. clumsy. silly
• my mom either hates me or enjoys my company (never loves me) depending on the state of her relationship with her boyfriend. when they're upset, she becomes rude and mean and tries to offend me and tear me down. when they finally make up, she becomes a totally different person
• had lunch at my dad's
• saw the house i'm moving to and it's exactly what i need
• BATUQUES
• it's official: i'm moving out. i'm glowing inside
• humor heals everything
• slept from 6am to 8pm eheheheh. mess
• divines tore me apart inside. what a brilliant film
• went to colombo with my mom and a gay kid asked us if he could stay at our place tonight because he had nowhere else to go. i was heartbroken i couldn't help him but we gave him some money
• ricardo seems to be getting really attached to me
• he made a mubi account for me and made some comments that proved he's kind of ? in love?
• he even told me he's a virgin (GUESS WHAT BITCH!!!)
• cannot believe i spent my night dreaming about him oh god... pathetic
• apparently pedro and ricardo have talked and pedro told him the nicest things about me (according to him, obviously)
• he invited me to watch blade runner with them but i don't feel comfortable being close to another guy next to pedro
• well i messed up yea i made a mistake
• ricardo asked me on a date he's so sweet i can't fucking handle it
• i'm pretty sure i have cancer
• i'm pretty sure i don't have cancer
• KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS AND ANTIBIOTICS
• pedro kind of apologized to me i don't know what happened i'm feeling nostalgic this is the best kind of mood
• had a breakdown bc i thought i was terminally ill and kyle comforted me
• had dinner at my new house (even though i'm not living there yet) and was pretty upset bc the lights are WHITE and not YELLOW
• THAT GROSS THING HAPPENED
• i'm feeling much better
• pink stone necklace
• ate 2 large pizzas and got drunk with my mom at cascaishopping
• i'm feeling MUCH BETTER!!!!
• went to the doctor just to make sure i won't die and i'm way more relaxed now, ya girl carolina is HERE 2 STAY
• finally watched la la land and i'm a dreamer masked as a realist so i should say i hated the 1st half and loved the 2nd but in fact it was the opposite
• i moved out. i'm officially living alone. a grown up, an adult, you might say
• spent all night watching brooklyn nine-nine and then fucking åmål
• fell asleep at 10am and woke up feeling nostalgic as hell
• my dad brought me breakfast and i feel my chest aching every time i realize me being his neighbor is his only source of happiness
• leia moved in too!
• dad was drunk
• SELFIE
• i occasionally find myself missing him. or maybe missing someone like him. either way, i'm not complaining. it's poetic
• bought some really cool stuff for my place and it's starting to look and feel like home
• had dinner with my parents at my place
• i apparently have a secret admirer who keeps sending me messages on tumblr hmmm
• was supposed to go out with bruno and inês but he stopped answering my texts for absolutely no reason
• met up with miguel instead
• we stopped at pedro's house. i peeked inside and saw his bedroom and felt something in my chest
• miguel came over and we had a fun time

quotes

• "a poet should be so crafty with words that he is envied even for his pains." - criss jami
• x
• "take your broken heart, make it into art" - carrie fisher
• x
• "i saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and i could do anything I wanted" - jack kerouac
• "i came back from those holiest waters new, remade, reborn, like a sun-wakened tree that spreads new foliage to the spring dew in sweetest freshness, healed of winter’s scars; perfect, pure, and ready for the Stars" - dante's canto 33 of purgatorio
• "if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. but if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth." - jacob's ladder

crushes

• riz ahmed
• diego luna
• dev patel
• kevin mischel
• ricardo