reading

• esther de lemos - rapariga

watching (tv)

• spongebob squarepants

listening to

• bruce springsteen - dancing in the dark
• molly nilsson - hey moon! (revisiting this one <3)
• the crookes - brand new start
• imagine dragons - believer
• charli xcx - boys

favorite movies of the month

• manhattan night (2016)
• dunkirk (2017)
• frank (2014)

plans

• get a haircut
• go to the dentist
• keep whitening my teeth
• use the hair removal machine thingy
• write at least 2 more chapters of my book (0/2)
• go on a date
• go to a party
• go to a house party

occured

• SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED MY SWEET DUDES.. i haven't been online in 12 days apparently so here's all the not so hot gossip
• my obsession with oscar isaac has gotten pretty unhealthy this month
• i don't like my breasts v much and it's seriously affecting my self esteem but then again WHAT ISN'T?
• I GOT A HAIRCUT!!!!!!!!! MY GOOD LORD I ACTUALLY LOOK........ GOOD? MY HAIR LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ANNA KARINA'S ON MY AVA, MINUS THE BANGS
• this all happened on the 4th: got a haircut, felt content w my looks but terribly nauseous, tried to vomit several times throughout the day (unsuccessfully), went to vasco da gama w mamã while waiting for her bf (who was attending the deep purple gig), nearly passed out, sat down drinking carbonated water, felt worse, was so overwhelmed w the certain i was going to die that day i proceeded to go on a 10 minute rant about how much i love luke skywalker, begged my mom to pay mark hamill to attend my funeral, started crying, drank a cup of coffee, felt slightly better, bought a book, covered my entire face with glitter, felt pretty, laid on the backseat of my stepfather's car and did the exact same thing i did on that august night. the night i started feeling sick, the night that started this fucking nightmare. now i can't say what it was bc it would 100% freak out all my 2 followers and even tho i'm pretty sure no one's reading this i prefer to keep this wiccan shit to myself. there, a clue. point is - i did it and i haven't felt nauseous ever since. yo no creo en brujas pero que soy una, lo soy
• the very next day i had dinner w my mom and her demon boyfriend started picking on me (don't you dare blaming me this time), saying i should "spend less time on the internet" and "be independent, in all matters" and other shit that really pissed me off. i may have insulted him and TBH?? i didn't know i had that much self-control in me.. how did i not punch the dude
• my mom was on the verge of the tears the entire time and begging me to stop - only me, of course, as if he didn't insult me in more ways than i want to expose here. she really picked one side HUH
• my cousin joana called and we spent almost 2h on the phone, which is a record for a weirdo like me who feels suicidal after a 2min phone conversation.. i really liked talking to her bc ynow.. she's sweet and supportive and MY COUSIN, but she really has no idea how fucked up our family is. she seems to think my mom and her dad are the back sheep of our close family and everyone else "came out normal", in her own words. where do i even begin,
• leonor asked me to go for a drink with her and carla her sort of girlfriend) so we made plans to go to saloon. we even went by CAR bc carla is an adult in her 40s it's so cool to have friends who are not in their teens!
• we had fun and talked about all sorts of things and never ran out of subjects, but i could tell leonor was kind of insecure and scared i would steal the spotlight. she kept pointing out my flaws and "jokingly" asking carla not to ditch her and fuck me instead
• but allz good cuz i went out w BARELY COMBED HAIR and GLASSES and i'm so proud of myself for having kicked dysmorphia in the nuts that one night (dysmorphia is definitely a man)
• i usually have nightmares but THIS ONE..... i dreamed pedro and his gf had parked their van (?? how did they get it? truly a case for the fbi) outside my house so i walked by to say hello but pedro wouldn't even look me in the eyes. i couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or if he just hated me that much but i'm betting on the 2nd bc a few seconds later his gf came out. i told her she was drop dead gorgeous (which i genuinely think she is, but no one else seems to) and she smiled and said thanks. i hated how submissive i was bc it reminded me of my childhood and teenage years, smiling and complimenting as a way to get people's affection even if that meant i'd have to neglect my own opinions and personality. that left a bitter taste on my tongue when i woke up. i also hated how dream me had long hair again, dry and split at the end, and i kept touching it and asking myself "how did this happen? didn't i have short hair yesterday?" i hated how fucking insecure i felt and i hated that i'm still dreaming about THIS FUCKING DUDE
• went to the movies w dad, it was pretty fun
• i've been making plans to go to a club for MONTHS but always end up cancelling bc i never feel like it.. tbh it's not that i'm not in the moon, i just feel very, very insecure about my looks. yesterday was one of those :-( days but lemme tell you!!!!!! sometimes you have to suck it up and go have fun anyway bc THAT NIGHT HAPPENED TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE (WATCH OUT, LONG STORY BELOW)
• i met up with paulo and emmanuel on the train and we instantly got along, as if we'd seen each other last a week ago and not... 8 months? paulo kept telling me how good i looked, saying things such as "you're a diva"/"you're a work of art" or "you're a knockout beauty" <333
• emmanuel was on the phone with a girl named andreia and said she'd come with us, we were ok with it bc he made it sound like she was cool..... BAD MOVE
• she was stoned as hell and a little bit weird, although i'm betting the "weird" part is just her personality and not a fleeting disposition. not the good kind of weird, i must stress
• we stopped at
• WAIT SOMETHING BIG JUST HAPPENED I'LL UPDATE THIS LATER
• hello. here i am, 2 days later. lemme just catch up real quick
• we stopped at a open café and paulo bought us all beer. andreia noticed an apparently abandoned wallet on the table next to us and was getting ready to get up and pick it up when we noticed there was a man sitting at that same table. first i thought she was joking and she wouldn't actually steal it but she made it very clear that she 100% would have
• we walked for 20 mins and i was so happy bc I FELT TOTALLY AT EASE WITH THIS PEOPLE.... EXCEPT ANDREIA BUT I NEVER FEEL COMFORTABLE AROUND GIRLS SO I JUST SHRUGGED IT OFF..... we were singing and dancing like crazy and we even made plans to form a band. i would be the backup singer
• when we got to metropolis (the club we were going to) andreia said she had to piss. at that exact moment. we said ya sure let's just get inside and then you can use the toilet but she started whining that she had to go NOW or otherwise she would freak out... so she peed all over the floor, it was strange to say the least
• then we were about to go in BUT she said she had to roll a blunt so we stayed there for a while and LUÍS AND LEONOR SHOWED UP!!!!! they were very very sweet and told me they had christmas + birthday gifts at home they had bought for me ???!!!!! i was truly emotional and i still can't believe someone cares about me that much. SOUNDS FAKE... WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME @LUÍS @LEONOR
• WE FINALLY GOT IN!!!!!! i smoked a lil bit of weed, a cigarette, and got myself two beers. i was EXTREMELY dizzy (couldn't tell if it was the weed or alcohol, probs both?) and we danced like CRAZY, we even got up on the stage and made fools out of ourselves
• leonor and luís bought me a beer and my heart felt so warm... what do you want @luís @leonor
• then a meninist approached me and started asking stuff like what's your name! where do you live! do you come here often! and obviously i brushed him off bc as i said HE WAS A STRAIGHT UP NEO-NAZI. sure nothing he said denounced his thousands of prejudice facebook comments on the correio da manhã page but you know those people who just LOOK like ignorant assholes? THIS DUDE WAS CLEARLY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
• paulo noticed i was having trouble getting rid of him so he asked me to go get a drink with him. i THANKED HIM and went along. that's where the interesting part begins, folks...... the barman and i were flirting like crayz, i'm ettting weak just typig thsi as you probbly can see.
• i even asked paulo "is this dude real???" cuz HE WAS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN I'VE EVER SEEN. TALL, SMALL EYES, NICE HAIR, MISCHIEVOUS SMILE, I WAS IN SWEET HELL
• i ended up coming back a thousand more times. i know i was high as hell but i truly believed.. that was it. i had found the love of my life. the man who was meant to be Mine.. he gave me 2 shots, 1 vodka black, 1 somersby. for free. i was in love
• you have to understand this is the better looking man i've ever seen. and he was clearly flirting with me (duh). at one point he asked me "so what do you want to drink" and i blurted "you"; i said i was in love with him and wanted to marry him, he said i better give him a ring, you know the deal. then a romantic song started playing and i said "this song will play at our wedding", to which he replied "this? no way, this is music for faggots" :( everyone wants happiness. no one wants pain. but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.
• we were having the time of our lives and started kissing each other. cute lil kisses, you know the deal. but i internally freaked out bc that was my first time kissing a girl!!!!! so when i got paulo and emmanuel alone i was like oh shit that was my 1st lesbian kiss!!! and they said it was a shit kiss (they were right) and made her kiss me again... this time a real kiss... no tongue tho. still. i kissed a girl.
• at some point during the night paulo and emmanuel started making out #lovewins
• it was almost 6am so we decided to leave. andreia insisted she had to walk faster bc her feet hurt, so she left us behind and disappeared from view. i was totally overwhelmed w barman dude but.. can you believe who the f was in my thoughts at that moment? this is a sickness. i have to kill him. i haven't slept since 2012
• we eventually got to the station and stayed there for a while chatting w a vegetarian dude who introduced himself to us as a vegetarian dude. andreia got there after us and he were a bit surprised, but she walked pasted us and didn't say a word. coolio, we'll meet her later when we get on the train, i guess?
• i put on my round shaped yellow sunglasses and paulo was SINCERELY UPSET w me, like "HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO BE THIS STYLISH" i loved it my self-esteem was floating in bliss
• emmanuel and i left paulo and got on the train. we looked for andreia and found her in the last car of the train. she saw us and started screaming "OH MY GOD I WANT TO BE ALONE CAN YOU GUYS LEAVE ME ALONE? GET A CLUE YOU'RE ALL FUCKING BORING" this was the first girl i've ever kissed. if you're a girl and you want to kiss my soft hydrated lips hmu. we'll pretend you're my first
• a friend of emmanuel's joined us and said i was really pretty :-) and then emmanuel said i looked like a young yoko ono :-) funny bc when we first saw each other that night both paulo and emmanuel said i looked like a chinese girl "from head to toe" what does this mean..??.. how can i even look chinese. my grandmother is indian. chinese is clearly not the kind of asian i am
• anyways i was 100% pleased
• i got home and slept the most beautiful sleep and dreamt the most beautiful dreams :-)
• everything was just fine until i found My One True Love's facebook account. don't ask me how i did it. i didn't even know the barman's name but i managed to find his fb... i wish i hadn't. he's a geek, gamer, neo-nazi, pseudo-thug, batman-loving idiot and the only great thing about him is how beautiful he is, oh god is he beautiful....... everything about his facebook profile is cringy (starting w his name, "ricky el puto") but i noticed his relationship status was "single" and made plans to go to metropolis next friday. don't @ me
• i might have made a mistake tho. i sent him a friend request and he declined. this could be bc i don't have any pics of myself and it might have seemed fishy to him, BUT I'M WORRIED HE SAW PAULO OR EMMANUEL IN MY FRIEND LIST AND RECOGNIZED ME. I'VE NEVER BEEN THE GIRL TO CHASE AFTER ANYONE. I'VE NEVER BEEN THE GIRL TO GET REJECTED. I'VE MADE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF. OH GOD.
• i have chosen to be happy. i'm going to accomplish great things soon :-) watch me
• leia's first birthday!!!!! my babe doesn't look a day past 3 months and i'm pretty sure she'll remain a lil kitten forever <3 i love her above anything/anyone else
• went to tacão with paulo and emmanuel and had a total blast, i'd like to thank
• the gays

i've never felt prettier in my entire life.. EVERYONE complimented me and told me i was gorgeous and one dude even straight up yelled "oh my god, suddenly i'm straight" SORRY IF I SEEM SHALLOW BUT LOVING MYSELF IS A HUGE HUGE DEAL!!!!!! I'M CONTENT. SATISFIED,

• even a group of straight guys whispered "wow, she's so beautiful" when we walked by sorry i think i'm finally learning to love myself.. is it sucky that i depend on other people's validation? yes but i'll take what i can get
• the night after that dad and i went to an open-air concert (mónica sintra ehe) and guess who was there.. he was with his dad and another woman (probs his stepmom) and he looked so, so good. i started tearing up but my dad is kinda clueless so he didn't notice something was wrong. needless to say i felt like absolute SHITE the entire night. you fucked it up, carolina!
• the following night.... leonor and her gf were supposed to take me to some lgbt karaoke session but we ended up having some drinks @ a medieval bar, it was fun but leonor is definitely jealous of me.. which obviously makes me feel >:( bc i thought she was my friend BUT ALSO >>:) BC WAIT A MINUTE... DO I ACTUALLY HAVE QUALITIES OTHERS ENVY AND CRAVE FOR THEMSELVES? HMMMMM
• paulo joined us and it was pretty fun but i definitely don't feel as comfortable around girls as i do around boys.. it's pretty shitty bc i try my hardest to love girls but i guess my trauma just fucks things up for me
• felt pretty nauseous for a few days but i'm good now :-) guess my problem was tap water LOL
• had dinner with paulo and 3 of his friends!!! all good looking, all brazilian, all gay :'( they were all nice but bruno and i hit it off just right. i was kinda awkward at first but then i started drinking and loosened up.. guess i really am a female copy of my dad!
• i was genuinely having fun but couldn't help feeling... lonely? terribly alone, as if i was at home and not in lisbon w friends? when will this STOP
• then had some ice cream and felt better :-)
• felt a lil sad the following days. but overall july was pretty fun and eventful so i got my hopes high for august!

quotes

• "are we living a life that is safe from harm? of course not. we never are. but that’s not the right question. the question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
• "who gives​ fuck. this shit don't matter because we will all die and be forgotten. why worry yourselves about dumb shit. live in the now." - dan d higgins, the author of a facebook comment that is a great source of inspiration to me

crushes

• oscar isaac
• joshua
• BARMAN DUDE
• conor mcgregor (i legit stayed up all night going thru his instagram... slap me)
• fionn whitehead
• tom glynn-carney
• bruno