reading

• edna o'brien - the country girls (1960)
• sabahattin ali - madonna in a fur coat (1943)
• charlotte perkins gilman - herland (1915)

watching (tv)

• modern family
• brooklyn nine-nine

listening to

• lany - hot lights
• tyler the creator - wolf (album)
• blue velvet ost - mysteries of love
• ezra de deus - wetlands
• the weeknd - starboy
• sisters of mercy - temple of love (ft. ofra haza)
• grimes - rosa
• grimes - sagrad

favorite movies of the month

• safety last! (1923)
• logan (2017)
• persepolis (2007)
• wetlands (2013)

occured

• nia keeps peeing in the most inappropriate places and it's really ruining the vanilla scented vibe i wanted for this house.. NOT COOL i'll have to go take him to the vet later
• mom came back from her "holiday" and we had a really great time
• the cats got high on catnip
• march 3rd is approaching and i'm excited
• actually it wasn't really that eventful but i had a really nice 4 hour convo with my dad and we're so close it's CRAZY if 9 year old me knew about this she would punch me
• went to nana's house and then had dinner with my dad
• cut my own hair at home and it looks SUPER
• ok now let's take a lil time to update the situation on friends & lovers.. i've been cutting a lot of people off my life but i've also been getting closer to some, like filipe (let's call him phil tho cuz he likes it better). also scheduled a date for saturday so there's that. but generally i'm sick of the people i know and want to meet cool people asap before i give up on human interactions
• whoa haven't updated this in a while!!! i don't remember much about these past few days but honestly only ONE event truly mattered..
• went to that party at my college (ex-college) and it was super awkward at first cuz i spent the first hour with some girls i had 0 chemistry with, i felt like everything i said was silly and unnecessary, just like i've felt in the presence of most girls all of my life. i think it's because i've been bullied (by people of the same gender) for so long i don't know what it's like to communicate with a girl and not be afraid to be made fun of
• but then inês came oh god bless you inês... she's probably the only person i feel comfortable with. we danced, we made remarks about some really cute girls, i drank beer, white wine and smoked a cigarette while a teen couple made out in the corner all night. it was fun
• later i started a conversation with a guy and his friend; totally had my eye on the guy and not his friend tho.. SEE, i know how to talk to men, it's women i have issues with! i seduced the dude kind of effortlessly and we talked for hours about social justice, sleep paralysis, our favorite colors (he guessed mine was black, i told him it was my second favorite), just everything we could remember
• he said i was beautiful (like his cousin, which i thought was a strange remark) and so intelligent and well spoken! he said he had never met anyone so original and that he loved my way of thinking and how everything about me was so different than he was used to. he often got tired of speaking to girls pretty quickly when he went out at night, he told me, but i was different and so captivating. i know men say this kind of things to every girl, but he made some personalized compliments so please let me have this
• i asked my mom and her bf to pick me up and we talked until i had to go. he was so handsome, nice and polite i obviously knew something was off. then i added him on facebook and figured it out: he's kind of a dummy online
• i have to dumb myself down and not make any kind of jokes because he just doesn't get them. it's sad, i thought we had some potential here
• emanuel gave me 2 blunts and i smoked one already. it doesn't make me feel anything, but i enjoy smoking them because it makes me look cool and it's writing material, i guess
• i'm doing ok. i feel good and safe in this house.
• mom broke up with emanuel but they just got back together, i guess
• i feel so distant to people. the only person i've been talking to his phil. i don't search for inês and she doesn't search for me. i'm taking a break on straight boys.
• deleted my twitter so i can focus on getting my book done by may
• had dinner with grandma
• filipe said he feels like he's known me forever, maybe in a past life; we're like romulo and remo
• had dinner with mom and emanuel. he's nice and i definitely like him better than her ex bf. plus he laughs at my jokes so ya he's cool
• spent father's day in lisbon with my dad. we had indian food for lunch, shopped and walked for hours and then had something to drink at starbucks. i did enjoy it very much, but i still feel like i can't be 100% myself around him. maybe it's because he was absent for most of my childhood but things have changed and i just want my brain to realize it
• my mom doesn't like me. she simply does not enjoy my company, having to spend time with me, doing anything a mother should do. that's ok. i respect that. she just wasn't born to be a mother and i accept that.
• IN A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS,
• my mom has been including me in her relationship. i've had dinner at his place and we went out for dinner tonight
• also surprising: leonor texted me today
• i haven't updated this in a while bc my laptop hasn't been able to connect to the www net web for some reason, think it's all good now.... fingers crossed
• not much has changed except a boy is totally in love with me. we've known each other for less than a week and he's already obsessed and clingy. he says he's never met a girl like this and even made a totz sexist remark, something like how girls simply aren't the way i am; i'm too good to be real. AS A FEMINIST I'M V ANGRY AS A NARCISSIST I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE OH BOIII

quotes

• “tragedy has its compensations. once the worst misfortune occurs, one never worries about the minor ones.” - mildred davis
• "if you add two pounds of sugar to literally one ton of concrete it will ruin the concrete and make it unable to set properly which is good to know if you wanna resist something being built, french anarchists used this to resist prison construction in the 80s" - NOT NECESSARILY A QUOTE JUST SOME IMPORTANT TRIVIA I FOUND ON TUMBLR AND I'M SAVING FOR FUTURE REFERENCE
• "get the sleep you need for the life you want" - went on this site to learn how to improve my breathing and came across this quote on huge letters and i needed it. man i just. i needed it
• "we have to understand that we have information all over our brain and sometimes you just need to walk so everything finds its place. and then like anyone, every six months i’m sure that i’m over. i’m done. i have nothing else to say. i’m the most boring person in the world. i have that feeling very often, but i walk.

there have also been so many times—so many times—that human beings who i didn’t even know helped me so much in my life. they just held my hand for a while through life. i try to think about those people—the good people, who are actually the majority of people. i think about all of that, and you know when i am dead, i am dead. So i have only this one life to live. i cannot just sit and be depressed because, you know, i’m going to die. very soon. maybe not tomorrow hopefully, but i’m not going die in 1,000 years. In decades i’ll be dead. and there are things that i want to do, there are things that i want to eat, there are laughs that i have not had. i hope that i will meet lots of new people. i hope that i will have two or three other professions. if i can be not too nasty a human being, then i think that is good. not bad, at least. And i try, you know, i just try. i am very involved with these women’s issues, because i wonder why we don’t believe in ourselves a little bit more. why do we think that we have to get married to be happy? why do we think that if we don’t have a boyfriend it’s the end of our world? it isn’t, believe me. it isn’t. why do we have to always define ourselves by somebody else? why can’t we just be us?" - marjane satrapi

• "if you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things." - rené descartes

crushes

• oliver sim
• abel tesfaye
• boyd holbrook