reading

• patricia highsmith - carol
• emma cline - the girls

watching (tv)

• gotham
• brooklyn nine nine
• twin peaks

listening to

• bleachers - don't take the money
• chromatics - the river
• roosevelt - montreal
• black kids - i'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you
• t.rex - planet queen
• chromatics - shadow
• carly rae jepsen - cut to the feeling

favorite movies of the month

• alien: covenant (2017)
• song to song (2017)
• raw (2016)
• sweet and lowdown (1999)

plans

• do the carrie pilby challenge:
  • go on a date
  • make a friend
  • do something you loved as a child
  • read franny and zooey
• go to the casino!!!
• spend a night in lisbon
• write at least 2 more chapters of my book (0/2)

occured

• may started out GREAT with a GREAT dinner with GREAT people and GREAT alcohol,
• but on the first hours on may the 4th i had the worst breakdown of ALL TIME.... the type of shit that makes you go eeeek! yikes
• then i slept for 20 hours. for real
• i didn't even watch star wars this may the 4th.. i want someone to slap me
• got back on tinder and had a virtual reencounter with my good friend artur....... brb gonna add him to my "crushes" section
• my dude forget everything i said before on this section. i was RIGHT may is a KIND month and i can't believe i ever doubted its GENEROSITY. i'm scared i might write this and a few secs later a piano falls on my fucking head or something but god i love may..
• i was having my 16th breakdown this month when something clicked inside me and i decided to go to that fucking party. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED but i just went with it and made plans to meet up with joão
• but first i had to stay on a queue for 2 hours, which was UNBEARABLE and made all the boredom, fatigue and self-loathing come back. 2 late tho.. i was already on the queue and joão was waiting for me
• eventually they closed the doors and didn't let anyone else in, so i had to meet joão outside. at this point i was exhausted and a lil bit sleepy so i guess he didn't get to meet the best version of me
• we walked around, broke into gulbenkian and laid on the grass for what seemed like HOURS and i was struggling to keep an interesting conversation. i even smoked 2 cigarettes in hopes that the slight high i always get could help me loosen up but NO SUCH LUCK (guess i'm getting used to cigarettes, which is problematic)
• i pretended i was feeling sick and had to go home and sleep asap, so i called my mom and she picked me up (THANKS MOM..)
• i thought "well shit this was a disaster" but PLOT TWIST: the dude loved me so much he texted me thanking me for this super nice time (?) and asked me on another date
• LOL! shit
• meanwhile artur and i are really heating things up, he also suggested we go on a date
• that other dude from tinder also asked me on a date
• so i have plenty of dates scheduled for this month, thanks.
• i don't really like the way my stepfather behaves around my me (making inappropriate jokes) nor the way he treats my mom. i 100% feel like she's being manipulated and she's getting into a point where she feels like any complaints she might have are her own fault somehow.
• i hate the dude, kind of. i got high with him and i guess he must've gotten higher (?) than me cuz he suddenly got fed up with me and wanted to drop me home
• he's very unstable, i think. tonight we went to the movies, the three of us, and they wouldn't stop chatting and laughing which really annoyed me. I'M A SILENT MOVIE WATCHER. not cool.
• RICARDO TEXTED ME
• i just got a lot of attention and i'm LOVING IT
• grandma + computer
• blue
• it's my babe domhnall gleeson's bday..
• i can't stop obsessing over my physical flaws and it's eating me alive
• TINDER DUDE PEDRO
• kyle is back!
• jéssica apologized even though i was the one who acted like a bitch so that's new
• pedro is in love!!!
• alien <3
• my spell FKCING WORKED
• fell in love with a hot policeman. i'll never forget him.
• it's so hot i'm about to pass out
• jéssica is in love with me. for real. this ain't a joke
• damn carolina back at it again with the overwhelming feeling that you are a burden to your own mother
• I WANT TO ASK A STRANGER ON A DATE
• i haven't updated this in a while.. as usual. QUICK UPDATE:
• got high at a family dinner, said nonsense for minutes until i realized i was FUCCKFING STONED, lay down and slept while everyone else watched a movie in the living room
• i had decided i wouldn't leave the house until THE PROBLEM was fixed but i got so unbearably bored i asked leonor to have a drink with me. we met up at sete rios and she said i looked like an adult and that even my voice had changed. we stopped at a bar and i probably drank a little more than i should have (+ smoked a cigarette) so i ended up feeling pretty relaxed and chatting as if we had seen each other for the last time 2 days ago and not 2 years. she later posted a pic of us on facebook saying something like "i missed us so much, nothing has changed" on the description
• oh ya! this fun event almost didn't happen cuz the train conductor "passed out" and lost control of the train for what seemed like ages
• three flowers of three different kinds
• may is ending and no overwhelming change has happened, as i foolishly expected. i think i have finally realized changes are caused by me and no month or season will heal me if i refuse to nourish myself. i feel full of a will to change i didn't know i had inside me. i will change my life. it will happen this time.

quotes

• "you came here with something to do. you are part of a universal consciousness, and there are no accidents in it. in your true essence—not the false self, not the ego part of you, but in the true essence of who you are — you are infinite and you have something very profound to accomplish while you’re here. otherwise you wouldn’t be here. find it. pay attention to it. listen to the calling. see the clues, the cues. see the alignments, whatever they might be, no matter how absurd or bizarre they might seem to everyone around you... if you have a calling inside that says there’s also something else, don’t ignore that. don’t die with your music still in you. don’t die with your purpose unfulfilled. don’t die feeling as if your life has been wrong. don’t let that happen to you." - wayne dyer
• this pic of marilyn monroe's diary

crushes

• artur (i did THAT!!!!)
• david mazouz (he's 16 wtf)
• michael fassbender (i hate myself)
• ryan gosling