- May 15th: Last day of junior year; I'm going to miss my Spanish squad, although I may have classes with Tyra next year. Maybe physics with Hallie. No Tessa; Silvia made cupcakes that I never did try; I was late to almost every single one of my classes after meeting up with Montana- not that I or my teachers were angry at all- and she took a billion selfies on my phone at the end of the day. However I probably won't be deleting them as usual; Dalton is graduating and I literally haven't seen him in like a week; I cried in the back of Silvia's truck.
- May 16th-18th: days wasted
- May 19th: Montana took me to an area of Clarksville which I was completely oblivious to- it was pretty, she was prettier. We talked for 5 hours straight; I texted her later that night, "I'm both smart and strong enough not to catch feelings," -false.
- May 20th: Went to Nashville pretty late; Stopped at a Walmart to come across a boy selling chocolate bars alone in the rain. I hope for his safety more than anything; Facetimed Steve, he got a haircut that looked beautiful on him; I woke up in the middle of the night to see him dead asleep, bare back facing me from how high his shirt had been pushed. I miss him.
- May 21st: Visited with my grandparents all day, they are so entiely different; Discussed the importance of travel with my grandmother, and told her about Steve's wanting to take me to Vietnam after he graduates; Went back to Clarksville and got Tessa & her pineapple; wanted to watch Whisper of the Heart with Steve but he got home too late.
- May 22nd: Animal Crossing; Tessa took a ton of photos of me outside; We chilled with the ducks!! I named one Chunk, because he looks like a chocolate chunk cookie & is just too loveable.
- May 23rd: Got ready in record time for graduation, but was put in a really shit mood once I saw that everyone else attending looked stunning. As did the graduating class... *coughs* Miranda *coughs harder* Montana; I had a really bad headache; Dalton is so distant; Went home and got on the roof with Tessa- that was pretty relaxing; Texted Steve all night about my recent feelings. I'm so confused and it's not looking well. I hate myself.
- May 24th: Steve and I are officially taking a break. I'm not sure that it has fully hit me yet; Tessa and I went to the after hours of her parent's yard sale. She brought me coffee, grapes, cookies & milk. We watched Whisper of the Heart together; I felt a lot better in the AMs.
- May 25th: Tessa and I went to Savannah's house to hangout with her and Hallie; random performances from the both of them- they're so talented; I ordered pizzas and instructed the delivery guy to compliment all of us, however he said that there were too many girls for him to do so... Four of us... #weak; Texted Steve and Montana almost the entire night. One made me feel horrible and the other far too deeply warm.
- May 26th: Mostly pure laziness at Savannah's; Took a huge day nap; Watched the beautiful sunset from the car; Made Tessa watch Josie and the Pussycats with me; "don't let me swim in your eyes for too long, I promise that I'll drown" o fuckin kay jillian hahahahhshhash
- May 27th: Wasted the whole day watching MVs and making playlists; Made an idiot out of myself- lived up to my self-proclaimed pathetic attitude; Watched Himizu with Tessa even though she fell asleep; Everything that I did finally hit me, and I had my first actual cry over it; Listened to Loser on repeat in hopes of falling asleep.
- May 28th: honestly don't even remember
- May 29th: Missed Jackie's party to see Montana. We ate dinner at Blackhorse before walking to the bridge again to watch the sunset. She finally kissed me before being interrupted by a couple; Tessa and Montana stayed the night at my house and I somehow managed to embarrass myself even more around her; Absolute intimate bliss all night.
- May 30th: I lied to Steve. I feel horrible; My stomach hurt literally all morning; Took a four hour nap after Montana left.
- May 31st: Tessa and I made a pretty hardy breakfast; Busted out the ol' Janus and First Sensibility albums; Inspired to pick up my camera again.
- June 1st-2nd: Hope and Faith's house; Made cake pops and watched Bring It On; Their aunt's boss Chris is on the current season of the Bachelorette- watched a bit of that; Did Hope's makeup using my personal routine before Faith painted my nails; Steve and I agreed to stop talking.
- June 3rd: Played with the most beautiful husky with the most beautiful eyes- each looked like a little blue and brown yin-yang; Left the twins' house during their sister's party; Montana came over and we drove to the pond while waiting on our pizza to be delivered. The ducks were more wary of approaching me this time, probably because there was another family around; Made one of those dumb necklaces for the first time in months; Montana made me a mix CD !!! She has the best taste. And the best lips; Once again she found some really embarrassing stuff- I really need to clean my shit out.
- June 4th: I was gifted the honor of waking up next to her again- apparently I was trembling; goosebumps in the shower; Was going to go to Noodles & Co. but Montana had to leave, so my mom and I went to visit Tessa and took her toFive Guys, Sonic and Goodwill. I got three pairs of mom jeans and three hideous short sleeve sweaters. Also a mint belt and some (hideous again) pastel Easy Spirits; Cherry vanilla coke; Made Montana a mix CD- even though I said I wouldn't- and two bracelets. Actually giving her three because I made another one quite some time ago. They're all ugly.
- June 5th: Online shopping; Went to Tessa's to help with her room renovations for a bit; Watched Only Yesterday- Silvia and Tessa fell asleep during this- and it was a pretty nice film.
- June 6th: We- mostly Silvia and Tessa- made homemade waffles and hash browns all morning; More priming and painting and scraping; Kayla brought us Wendy's; Dance parties to throwback pop and hip-hop; she gives me a small taste of life, and being alive is better than sitting around waiting for death, right?; Watched Kelly & Cal; Accidentally watched two episodes of Queer as Folk oops; Waiting for death became the favored option once again.
- June 7th: Woke up to Subway; drank two cups of coffee; painted literally all day with Tessa- we finished but my back, feet and hands ended up hurting pretty badly. However, the plus is that I had the aux cord all day; Frankie came home and we participated in Dr. Aron's study later that night for fun; lowkey cried in the kitchen; Tessa made us pasta in bed; "I'm falling in love with you"; made another pot of coffee at 1:15AM- I didn't want to sleep; laid around with Frankie and Tessa while she played Animal Crossing.
- June 8th: Woke up to Frankie asking if i'd like to split the cost of a pizza with him; pizza took literally five years to arrive and they forgot our Dr. Pepper and pug drawing. At least the delivery guy was really cool; laid in bed until 4:00PM cuddling with Tessa while she played Animal Crossing and listening to the sounds of rain and evil loggers; finally found the energy to put Tessa's room back together, and my mom helped a little when she came to get me in hopes that Tessa could leave with us as well; got home to a mess (thanks oscar) and at least a hundred ants in our mailbox; watched videos of Usher grinding on fans; Tessa vs. Jillian, Weezy vs. Fetty.
- June 9th: Hope came over, and we all laughed and talked forever; she made us two batches of cookies; worked on a drawing(?) of Woozi on the computer all day; stayed up until 7:00AM and watched the sunrise.
- June 10th: nothing; went on a walk with Hope; cried and took a nap and was a bitch to everyone; watched the sunrise again.
- June 11th: woke up hella late and sunbathed first thing; drove for the first time in forever.
- June 12th: cleaned out the spare room; the twins, their dad, baby sister, stepmom, and dog came to stay with us over the weekend; adults stayed up all night talking, me, Tessa, Hope and Faith stayed up even later messing around; watched the sunrise slightly from my window as I fell asleep.
- June 13th: Tessa left and Montana came- she met Hope, Cindy, the dog and the baby; Montana and I left to go to Goodwill and Five Guys; took our food to the bluff and ate it on the hood of the car while we watched the sunset; I felt great, I felt that we were great together; we stopped at the pond in my neighborhood on the way back home, laid out a blanket and looked at the stars; "I'm falling in love with you too"; she met Tim and Faith; Fifa & Super Mario Bros; went outside to watch the most incredible sunrise I had seen in awhile; The night ended/day began bittersweetly- I laid silently tearing up in her arms.
- June 14th: lazy day with the twins.
- June 15th: Found Polaroid film; Took photos of Faith outside at 1AM.
- June 16th: Got an iPhone 6 and new acrylic paint; Spent most of the evening out with my mom; Painted until 5AM.
- June 17th: Went to Faith's eye exam and helped her pick out new glasses; Anxiety exacerbations all day; Went to the fair with the twins and met up with Montana- met a few of her friends. She won a bear and gave it to me. Polaroid selfies.
- June 18th: Montana came over and we broke out the French press; Spent most of the day outside- on the deck, on the street, by the woods, by the pond; felt insignificant, insufficient; Steve is getting over talking to me; Listened to Crazy by Jonghyun on repeat trying to fall asleep at 11:30PM; I think I am going to do it before college; Caved and texted her about my feelings. Really relieved that she felt stronger than I thought- really sad that I almost hurt her; "I love you."
- June 19th: Drove to get Tessa later at night and then she drove me back; Exchanged stories about the day prior; Made a million dubsmashes; Fell asleep on the couch together fully clothed with the lights on watching Parks & Rec.
- June 20th: Painted butts all day; Rehung my Christmas lights with Tessa at 6:00AM; EXO and pink skies and sex jokes.
- June 21st: Started watching Unpretty Rapstar; drew up Tessa's butt.
- June 22nd: Silvia came over for the first time all summer; I drew and painted Jennifer's butt- Montana came over and she and Tessa helped with that; A few serious conversation topics; I told Steve that I love her; Watched Unpretty Rapstar after everyone left until Montana called me at 4:30AM.
- June 23rd: Drove to Tessa's to pick her up and go to Walmart; got a pizza; Finished Unpretty Rapstar on her bed and attempted to start Show Me the Money 3 until I called Montana around 2AM; the audible breaths relieved my stress.
- June 24th: Frankie wouldn't stop picking me up; Accidentally threw my shirt in the toilet; Went back home with Tessa and Dalton came over. He returned my DMC HD collection along with a stuffed Baymax as a late birthday present. We watched the Woman in Black 2 and played Super Mario Bros.; Mom watched the Gambler with Tessa and I.
- June 25th: Nathan came over and we all talked over coffee and our computer screens; Fixed a ton of shit on my blogs; Steve asked for his belongings back; wrote haikus for the rest of the evening; had a sex dream about San e.
- June 26th: Woke up at 7AM to tessa leaving- stayed up until 10AM texting her and watching the Seventeen "Adore U" dance practices over and over again; Woke back up at 1PM; Paige came and got me and we drove in fear of a storm for an hour, picked up Chinese food, ran into Jackson, stopped at a gas station for ice cream and then went to her place; talking on the patio and listening to rain while she smoked; took a few photos of the most incredible sunset; Super Mario Bros.
- June 27th: Starbucks & back roads; Went to Hallie's party with Tessa. We sat around a fire and listened to music and laughed; Veggie hotdogs- gave one to a small dog that came to hangout- pizza, fireworks, hide and seek after dark, shit talking; Kicked Brandi in the face in my sleep.
- June 28th: Starbucks with Kylie, Hallie & Tessa; Went back home and the twins came over; Painted; Slept on the phone with Montana.
- June 29th: Sunbathed; Ironed; Watch Show Me the Money 4 with Hope.
- June 30th: Attempted to act as Montana's GPS through backroads- got us lost; Ate at Chipotle; Went to the mall to get boba and follow her around stores; Finally figured out how to get to the river under the blood moon.
- July 1st-2nd: Who knows; Went to Hastings and bought a new copies of Kafka on the Shore and Norwegian Wood. Also the Man From Nowhere.
- July 3rd: Went to Hope's house and met some of her family that I hadn't before; Steve was in TN however I didn't agree to meet him. I think I regret that.
- July 4th: ATE TONS OF FOOD- the best cake I have ever had in my life; went outside during cornhole and swimming; shot off $800 worth of fireworks and hid a few sparklers under Faith's bed to use at sunrise; Never stayed up until sunrise.
- July 5th: Day by the pool- first tan line of the summer; watched a few children; had a horrible driving experience; came out(?) to my mom.
- July 6th: Went to GAP with my mom; Montana came over and we basically just sat around and talked all day; She met my dad who brought home a BMW; Made sushi at 10PM; Felt and inadequate and jealous and worried. She cried; Experienced something great both physically and emotionally for the first time; One hour of sleep.
- July 7th: Walked to the pond with a bike-riding Montana; Would not stop playing music all morning because of my anxiety; Got a driver's license finally!; Went to GAP with my mom again, however this time Tessa joined us and we got boba; Took a 3 hour nap before dancing the night away.
- July 8th: Turned in job applications with Tessa; Bought tickets to see BTS in ATL in September; came out(?) to my dad.
- July 9th: Drove the BMW for the first time; Went to Jersey Mike's to meet with the hiring manager who ended up leaving early- employees told us to try again tomorrow; Got Chinese food and ate it in the bath with Tessa while topless and watching the first two episodes of OITNB.
- July 10th: Drove to Jersey Mike's only to be out of luck again; Stopped and saw Tessa's Grandma.
- July 11th: Went to Nashville to say the night and see my Grandma.
- July 12th: Saw my grandparents again and got dunkin donuts; had the worst headache I've had in years; horrible anxiety at night; vision of a man pulling off a yellow knit suit and screaming- I wanted to scream too; nightmares; regretful of not talking to Montana.
- July 13th: Dalton officially ended our friendship; Went to Shogun with Tessa and Montana; Came home and shot off fireworks in the street- stopped after being almost run over and threatened by a woman who had a problem with the noise; Played the Evil Within; I held her so close.
- July 14th: Senior portraits with Tessa and the twins; boba and cookies and a new blanket from Dillards; watched Inception with everyone- the train quote; read something that literally made my heart ache- struggled to hold back a break down while the movie was playing; took a pill and went to bed.
- July 15th: I felt better- distracted; made a blogger; went with my dad and tessa to look at hardwood before going to Starbucks, the mall, and then suddenly his work. Blared music in the parking lot while he did his thing, dancing and watching the sunset; Best Buy and Panera; "I'm just sitting around waiting on her to leave me."; stayed up until 6AM looking into every university imaginable. Stressed a lot and literally cried over not being able to afford SCAD.
- July 16th: Met Cassidy and Hannah; My dad found a way to make SCAD work. So happy that I could've cried again; did cry later on in a political discussion with him that lasted for hours; TRB in NYC cancelled because of a death threat directed toward Namjoon; Steve texted me for the first time in two days to talk about the Chattanooga shooting: "I almost went there today." "I knew something like that would happen... I was worried."
- July 17th: Agreed on a wood color for my floors; Took photos of Tessa; Ate pizza and watched Beyond the Lights- "It's not my business what you had with her, and now I see that you're not free of her. I was foolish to compete with her, but my fractured heart cries, 'choose me.'"
- July 18th: Woke up wanting to watch B.A.P vids- cried; Nathan came over to see me, Tessa and the twins. We talked shit and played games and arm wrestled- actually full body wrestled- and ate spaghetti.
- July 19th: Nathan came over again and we all spent the evening at Cheatham Dam. Buried each other and ourselves in sand and watched the sunset in the parking lot; Pizza Hut after starving all day; the twins went home so Nathan and Tessa and I went home and talked and blogged all night.
- July 20th: Went to the YMCA with Tessa and my dad so that he could show us exercises- chest and cardio; went to Walmart before coming home and drinking chocolate milk; took a nap and talked to Montana before bed.
- July 21st: "I'm a mess. I'm sure you figured I was smoking already."; Montana came over and we played with the baby before Tessa left; touching and talking; parents came home and we helped them with dinner. Sat outside while my dad grilled; cried on her shoulder; played the definitive edition of DMC until we had to take her home- came back and played it again myself; wrote a letter to Namjoon because I couldn't sleep.
- July 22nd: Got ready to go to the gym only to be stuck at home waiting on sign up sheets for BTS VIP passes to be released; New phone case came in; Went to Tessa's and immediately started playing agar.io with her and Frankie- goofed off with them all evening; she talked to Jenny before we fell asleep marathoning OITNB.
- July 23rd: Laid in bed all morning before finally getting up to make coffee; Accidentally ate one of many spoiled corn-on-the-cobs that we later threw at trees; Started watching Helter Skelter; Tried on one of Tessa's dresses; Walked to a field to watch the sunset; An amazing strawberry cake over articles about things people have gotten stuck in their butts and last meal requests; TESSA WON AGAR.IO; I'm hurting however I wish to blame it on everyone but myself.
- July 24th: Went to the lake with Hope & Faith; Walked to Silvia's camper to surprise her and receive the biggest hug ever- I missed her; All of us cuddled up in the twins' camper and watched Rush Hour; Funny snapchats.
- July 25th: Kenny and Jessica's wedding; Went out on the boat for a few hours- got a horrible sunburn; Skipped the reception to walk down the dock and sit in the camper, however we went back a few times to eat our body weights in cake slices.
- July 26th: Went tubing until it started raining- docked by the house boats to get out of it. Met the owners of the other boats and talked to them forever; Had to cancel plans with Montana; Had a horrible stomach ache and felt weird for no reason so my mom came to get me really late at night. She saw the resort for the first time and talked with everyone until 3AM; Running down the road with Janet and Hope; Car ride onversations and McDonalds breakfast with my mom at 4:30AM.
- July 27th: Woke up with tons of photos of Seo Taiji & Boys on my phone; Montana came over and got to mess with her new steadicam; Food from Fredonia; Walmart run and frozen yogurt date; Spontaneously went to Tessa's to join her debate with Frankie; Had a "shit seance" where we all joined hands and talked shit in the dark; Decided that all of us should take Ken's mom some flowers because of her broken knee. Saw an awful wreck on the way to do so- Silvia called me crying worrying about Andrew; Went back to Tessa's before Montana and I drove home. Made out in the driveway to Elvis; The twins came; Played DMC; She took significant photos of me.
- July 28th: Stayed in bed all morning; Nathan came over later that night; Had a mug cookie baking competition: Nathan & Jill vs. Hope & Faith, perfectionists vs. estimators, Taurean vs. Virgos; Talked about relationships; Nathan and I watched Roseanne and Spongebob before bed.
- July 29th: Nathan woke up feeling horrible so we canceled our plans to go out; My senior photo samples came in to make /me/ feel horrible; Serious conversation with Hope; Watched SMTM4 and the OC all night.
- July 30th: Lazy day.
- July 31st: First step in hair lightening; watched Chappie with my parents.
- August 1st: Went to Walmart, the mall and Chipotle with Montana; fed a stray cat; watched her play DMC and the keyboard; the twins came back from their grandma's; fell asleep watching the OC.
- August 2nd: Watched OITNB; Talked about college with Hope & Faith before a serious conversation including my mom; Second step in hair lightening- the twins also did a bit of theirs; As soon as they left I showered and cried on the bathroom floor. Also wrote a little; Steve texted me for the first time since Saturday- "violets." Probably a butt dial; Watched Hot Pursuit and Napoleon Dynamite with my parents.
- August 3rd: Put pink in my hair; Nathan came over last minute and we went on a Starbucks run before coming home and making a frozen pizza; Watched To Do List with him; Watched Nightcrawler with my parents; Sobbed until 2AM. Had to actually text Hope and Nathan about everything so that I could breathe again.
- August 4th: Woke up at 5AM and stayed up wracking my brain until 9AM. Kind of established an angle; My dad spontaneously ordered the 60mm lens that I've been wanting. Went to Lowes with him soon after; texts that I needed- "On the outside you have a soft and delicate grace, but your energy is full of strength... You leave everything in your path more beautiful than you found it." "Hi I'm thinking about you tonight. How are you??"; Tessa demanded that I come get her as soon as she got back from Chicago so I dropped everything to do so. Left the house braless and in boxers; Played with the baby and made dinner; Explored the "red zone"; Watched old MVs; Called Montana.
- August 5th: Made an Amazon wishlist; Went to AT&T with my mom and Tessa. The employee messed us up megaly but he was really nice and complimented my shoes that Tessa hates so I wasn't even mad; HotTopic to get more hair lightener; Walmart and Taco Bell that we ate as soon as we got home; Looked at cars and talked about the middle east with my dad briefly; Tessa lightened her hair.
- August 6th: Walmart with mom & Tessa- got a few little makeup things and a candle, Tessa got more lightener and later put purple over it all.
- August 7th: Went downtown with Tessa for my mom's spa appointment; AT&T to fix the previous mistake; Ruby Tuesday; Came back home to my new lens!! Took photos of Tessa and her new hair in the field and abandoned barn; First idea for an actual writing project in awhile.
- August 8th: Woke up at 8AM to meet Silvia, Alex, and Melissa for breakfast. My mom, Tessa and I followed them to Cummins Falls. Talked shit and listened to k-pop- the usual road trip; Hiked only to find that it was totally packed; Pretty people and dogs and cold water and chips; Stopped at a gas station on the way back for slushies and told Melissa about Steve and I breaking up; Went home with Tessa and immediately showered, cleaned, and edited photos; R.I.P Tessa's Chromebook.
- August 9th: Recolored my hair before Montana came over; Played Bean Boozled with her and Tessa; Montana and I went to go get ice cream at Freeze Pleeze before going on a quick Walmart run for my mom's soy sauce; She showed me her old neighborhood and the skate park that she used to go to- cry #1; Went to the bridge downtown and took photos of one another. Reminisced a bit. Walking back to the car from there made cry #2; Another Walmart run; Back to the house to force Tessa into making us pasta; My dad drove us all to take Montana home- sang and danced to the radio; Came home and edited the photos- cry #3.
- August 10th: Tessa, Cindy, Megan, my mom and I went to the school and Walmart before taking Tessa home; Huge package consisting of concert outfits and a backpack came in the mail; fixed my schedule; the twins came over and colored their hair.
- August 11th: First day of school. The worsening depression that comes along with it has already come.
may 24 2015 ∞
aug 12 2015 +
aug 12 2015 +