i'm writing about a kin (character i relate to) for this first time, so i may get kinda lost in my words and thoughts for this. i'll try writing about others but this time it's about kokichi ouma. for his traits, he shows signs of extreme emotional repression. he just can't be honest with how he truly feels and uses over-expression as a copying mechanism which i relate to very very much. by the time i became overwhelmed by my innability to delay my honest emotions to other people, i ended up becoming too expressive, too loud sometimes, almost attention-seeking behavior, not just that, but also the way he acts like nothing really affects him which i relate to a lot. at the same time we are crying and screaming and complaining, we can switch to being in a happy, almost perfect state that feels as if nothing really hits me very quickly. i also tend to lie to myself about how i truly feel over stuff and just get over with some laughs and blocking. from on outsider perspective and even to me it can see as if i deal with emotional stuff really well actually. though most of it is repressing and it is very damaging and create outburst on the long term, it's the way i've been able to overcome a lot of stuff. i know i shouldn't talk proudly of this. it is very hard to admit this kind of stuff. not enough, i've also been a quick thinker since i was very young, which is an ability i'm very proud of. i also learn very fast. but at the same time i'm proud of this trait of mine, it also made me lonely and misunderstood by lots of people, especially during my childhood. the more i grow, the better i deal with this and know how to actually use this traits to make my life easier and happier, but it was very hard to me as child and i ended up feeling both superiority and inferiority complex. it was either feeling better than everyone or worse than everyone. now to complete the utter mess here comes: trust issues and control issues. as i became too aware of my thinking skills and very early dealt with bullying and being an outcast, i couldn't trust other people. i still deal with this till nowadays. not only it's hard to open up (just as it makes me feel really bad) and commit to other people, it's very hard to trust other people with tasks. you will catch me doing everything by myself and never asking for help. it's not because i care too much about other people, but really because i think i'm better at doing it than them. i don't want them to touch my stuff, because i think i'll do better. and since i want everything to go as i visualize on my head, i end up filling myself with tasks i could much easier do with someone's help. this makes me turn out as "stubburn" or "childish" to many people. {i'll probably update later} <- never does and probably never will