December —

• What a strange, messy and emotional year.
• NEVER EAT GRAPEFRUIT AGAIN. You tried twice already, it was shit both times. You won't start liking it and u won't be skinny from it like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Just stop it, get some help. Idiot.
• I also just realised that I'm desprerately trying to find someone to love me. I was telling myself I'm over that part of my personality now, but I don't think I am? It's like I'm just looking for any signs of confirmation that I am worth loving as more than just a friend. Even if it would not work out. I just wanted her (or anyone in the past) to act like I'm worth suffering for and trying either from long distance or other problems we might face. And this is something I never got from any person I had a gist of a relationship with. Whenever there's issues everyone just backed out when I was internally ready for the pain and struggle if the reward was true, faithful, wholesome love. Really thought I'm over thinking that my worth is defined by someone else's interest in me, but I guess not? This is why my decision to not do relationships in the next 5 years was a good one. I just have to stop subconciously trying to make one happen when there's even a slight chance, coz that's what I'm doing rn and moreover I'm putting the blame on "my heart", that it "doesn't choose", when in reality, I know I'm strong enough to just get over somebody within a week. Sometimes I feel like every feeling I had to someone throughout my life was a fake one just coz of this ability to "fake it till I make it" aka pretend my feelings aren't there anymore till it becomes true. Wow, my head is packed lately.
• So guess everything in the last one is bs? Still love her, tho now I know it won't work out in anything more than frienship like... ever. She's like that and worse to everyone else too. I'm no special. And when I tell her I'm not used to this affection she's surprised but doen't even propose to stop? Like mkay, guess all u care abt is yourself and not other's feelings. Tho maybe I was too vague in explaining that I take these cute words to heart too much. Still, I did as much as I could, I can't talk about my feelings, never could. Guess we both fuck ups.
• I realised I don't even expect anything from her. I would just like her to know and still stay with me as a friend forever. I'm fine with her not ever doing relationships, which is also fine coz that would maybe save me from getting my heart broken. Which I'm aware can happen anyway coz "heart doesn't choose" and she might just end up liking some guy enough to start a real relaionship with him. Would hurt more if it was a girl... true, but still... I hope she took this "hint" seriously and not entirely as a joke. I felt like she was bothered by the idea of me falling in love with her coz she kept saying those "I don't do relationships", "don't fall in love", "bro" kinda things often after last time this topic came up. So I went with it, kinda out of spite but still, I stopped saying the ily's and bb's. It helped me a bit too, but I think she missed it. Even if she doesn't want anything romantic with me or anyone else she still is affectionate. Which hurts if our feelings are on different lvls but that's okay. Tho now... now she brought up that topic out of the blue herself again and said the infamous "don't fall in love" literally between two "i miss u's... it's like she wanted me to say "so what if I do", but then she also responded with the same old "I don't do relationships" but at least she said she wouldn't drop me if I did... It's all very confusing. I sincerely hope she's not playing a game here, I'm pretty sure she isn't, that's not her style. But sometimes people try others even subconciously, ugh. I just wish it didn't hurt. I think I really am in love with her. Also bit scared to tell O. about it coz she's slightly homophobic... But I wish I could tell it to my best friend. I really do... I miss my bff... *tears again*
• Be good to me, my favourite month, please.

November —

• Today is the last day of November. Last month of 2018 is about to start. This year... has been Something Else. On one hand, I experienced another heartbreak. suffered from depression for about 3/4 of the year and i'm trying to deal with it till this very day. Haven't travelled or done anything to develop my skills, haven't done anything in terms of my future career (which btw, looking at my age and degrees, should be my CURRENT career, but okay). Haven't lost the weight I wanted to lose, haven't learnt korean more like I planned to. Haven't experienced as many new things from my goals list as I wanted. haven't read as many books or watched as many movies as I planned to. On the other hand... I got into the uni I hoped for, strated studying chinese, became somewhat dilligent about uni, at least at the point where I listen in class 90% of the time and take notes. Moved out, started living alone in a big city and survived so far. Started doodling, might not be drawing but it's something. Made my first fanfic prompts and I plan on writing one during Christmas. Learned to cook a few new things, started reading just for myself again after like... years. Went to the cinema 8 times so far, watched a lot of reality shows, started stanning two new groups, Stray kids and The Boyz, and ulting NCT (lots of work lol). Started growing plants which survived almost the entire year now and are doing very well, made my first new friend at uni, met shila and talked to her every damn day since April 5th, walked almost every day, started exercising again at PE classes and I'm actually enjoying it now. Realised I know more korean rn that I imagined, just from watching TV, started drinking lots of water since October, cut my hair short, dyed my hair red, started tutoring and treated it as my real job, at which I was actually pretty good. Bought an analog camera and started photographing things around me. Found some creative things I want to be good at like drawing, writing fanfics, photography. Got my acne treated and cleared my face (knock, knock). Finally got a check up at the doctor. Met my fave author, cut out toxic people and strengthened my valuable friendships, finished thesis, uni and graduated with good marks, bought my first kpop albums, saw a blood moon, ate dragonfruit. Bought a new comfy chair with my own money. Started writing down my thoughts that often bottle up, which helped me a lot. Organised my tracking and lists. Went to Pyrkon again, met one of my internet friends for the first time (Pardis), made new internet friends thru twitter. Battled depression (half-way there), realised my sexuality, admitted it to myself and came out to my closest friends. Felt love again (tho once again, romantically unrequited). Abandoned majority of social expectations. Started following my own way of learning new things, discovering world, myself and enjoying life, instead of worrying about where I "should" be at my age. Strated appreciating my parents, brother, grandmas, doggo more... In conclusion: at the end of the year... I feel happier than for the majority of it and definitely happier than at the start of it, even tho it is not perfect yet. I'm on the right way. If I can calm my stupid heart in 2019 and just follow my plans more dynamically, I think I'll be bit happier then too. Happiness will come, I just need to keep taking the baby steps. I regained my will to live and don't think about dying every single day, that's all that matters to me now. I'm going to enjoy you, December, make me feel warm, cosy and calm, please. ♡
• Is it love yet?
• This was suppose to be my brain dump but there's been so much on my mind I don't even know what to pour out here.

October —

• I PASSED (and with a good grade, wtf) IM FINALY FREE. I'm glad I achieved this, even if it took a long time and that I did it myself and didn't just ask someone to write it for me. I'm so relieved this chapter of my life is closed. I can enjoy my new life to the fullest now and worry about new things and not the same old shit as I have done for the past two years. I am: happy.
• Thesis defence. I'm so stressed. I feel like I'm gonna fail. But I just want a 3, I don't need a 5 like others... please... let me just pass this hell.
• I feel lonely here, it's been a long time since I just randomly talked to new people, I think I forgot how to do that. I don't even have one person to sit with. Hope this changes soon coz the extraverted part of my personality is literally in pain rn. I crave human irl contact so badly.

September —

• I FINISHED.
• Stressed in an understatement.
• This will be the month of closing old chapters and opening new ones This is the start of the last chance I'm giving myself before I decide to really end all things.

August —

• I just want to have at least two weeks of little to no worries and feel like I don't have SOMETHING to do or a deadline to catch. I want to even do what I'm doing now, like watching shows BUT without the feeling of guilt or straight up anxiety. Can I, tho?
• Motivation speech lady said: there is no motivation, it won't come, out minds are programmed to avoid doing things so we have to stop waiting for motivation and just force ourselves into taking action. Sounds hard, but I shall try to live by this and the 5 second rule.
• It's the end of august and as always, I did NOTHING. No work, no studying, no creative stuff. My only accomplishment is watching more reality shows. How can I promise myself that I will do real work at the new uni when I can't even finish one thing properly. Mess, is what I am.
• I actually crossed 90kg... I can't believe how much I let myself go... but then again I CAN coz I'm a weak ass bitch.
• New goal for the summer: get into Monxta x more. I know I'm stanning already but kinda not to my full potential I guess. And I missed out on a few things, so yeah, Monbebe 200% Project: OPEN. Coz not like I have a whole thesis to write right?:)))) Jesus, why am I like this.
• It didn't.
• Finally doing some actual thesis work, let's hope it lasts...

July —

• EXO IS COMING TO EUROPE, I'LL CRY. I'm not going, I guess, lmao.
• I'm so stressed that I will forget some document or do something wrong tomorrow :(
• I feel like my life has a bit more sense now and I actually have something planned for the nearest future... I just feel RELIEVED. Can't fuck it up now, tho, gotta STUDY. And write that damn thesis to close the last chapter... But, whew, I'm happy.
• I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT INTO THIS UNI!!! WTFFF????
• I hate this family.
• I actually wanna give translations one last proper chance. I should probably start with getting actual internship somewhre, coz rn I only have that fake one lmao great thinking back then, Poods:) I have literally no ACTUAL experience apart from one CV translating job. I really am a fuck up. Sigh. Time to make up for 4 years of doing nothing at uni! :)
• My life can go in two (or more) completely different ways depending on if I get in or not... It's stressful coz I somewhat have a plan for if I do get in. But I have zero ideas for my future if I don't. Or I do have some but I don't like any of them. So these two weeks till 13.07 are labelled: STRESSEDT. Tho when am I NOT stressed, really. Ugh.

June —

• Time to change my habbits and attitude.
• Imagine planting raspberries on Taeil's tummy and his whole soft body. Mood: dom but soft.
• Guess what, it's June 17th and I'm nowhere closer to finishing, fml. I am a failure. I'm dumb. I can't focus on anything for more than 10 minutes, if at all. I hate myself, my brain, my body, my life. Hate.
• I really wanna start writing stories, fics and social media aus. I need to pass all of that uni shit and have "free" time during summer. I haven't had a totally free summer since... I started uni 5 years ago. I always had to pass something. I want to have a nice, brainless job at the cinema, learn chinese and korean in my free time, watch all those movie classics I've been putting off, watch anime, actually read a WHOLE book for once. Finish Death Note, learn calligraphy, learn a bit of drawing, lvl up at computer stuff like Excel, learn new recepies and cook a lot. Work on English and translate a few things to not be rusty. Breathe freely. Live. Not think about dying every day. Hmm, I should get to work rn.
• It's possible I won't get into uni. What if I don't? It's my last chance. If I don't... I have to start real adult life. I'd rather die. Might actually do that. Shit I'm stressed.
• I was supposed to do that "What I feel like/dream about while I'm turning 24" letter to myself that S. recommended doing but I keep forgetting about it. This is a reminder, I guess?
• It's midnight. I'm 24 now.

May —

• More and more confused about Chinese and Korean studies. I really feel drawn to chinese. But idk, I might be too dumb for it and don't want to fail the last chance I got for studying what I like more or less freely... Tough decisions. Hongkong is still my dream place to live for some reason, hmm. I am: KUNFUSION.
• It was a bit weird these past 3 days, but also nice. She was nice to me and we got along better than I expected. Some things came back, tho. I'm just afraid she will text me soon and try to be friends again... pls don't do it, we're better off alone. Overall, 7/10 experience at Pyrkon 2018. Gotta find better friends who don't ditch me, tho LOL. I feel better after it too. More relaxed, also slightly more motivated but honestly just to get this uni over with. Can I do it with this little time tho? We'll see... Things are looking up right now. I don't feel like ending my life every minute anymore. It's better right? For how long idk but let's just enjoy the slightly less depressed mood.
• Also told bff sorry and that I'm getting worse. Not the best reaction tho, but I didn't expect much tbh. She cares, I know that, but she just.. reacts weirdly to things sometimes. But she told me to see a doctor. Called grandma later and just couldn't help but break down a little. A lot actually. I made her anxious I think. Shouldn't have done that, but on the other hand... someone should finally be anxious about my state. It really hasn't been that bad since 2013 or since K., maybe. I need real help. But my family sucks and I'm too weak alone.
• W. sent that stupid meme to the groupchat and I just DID IT in the most random and memey way possible. IT FELT SCARY AT FIRST. But she tried to confirm if I was joking or not. And I just KEPT GOING WITH IT HJHJHKJG. H-holy shit. It felt so right at that moment, tho. And their response was also better than I expected. Especially G.'s who came later. Wow. Tho they were still being memes as fuck. I sometimes love my irls. It made my really horribly shitty sobbing day better. I'm bisexual.
• Talking to S. makes me happy and makes me feel better. Even if we don't talk about happy things. Cringy bonding time today. But very much needed. "We vibin' tgt" SSGHHSDHJ
• I hate this groupchat, but without it I will be really completely alone. Fuck them, fuck.
• Stopped lying to myself about my s******** (...right?)
• I want to sleep forever.
• I hate my brain.
• Fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up fuck up.
• I started scratching again and my hands are shaking too.
• Siri, how to not catch feelings?

April —

• I want to have more piercings in my ears. Tongue maybe? Like under it? Am I brave/crazy enough...? I might be. Wow, it seems cooler the more I think about it. I might really do it.
• JBJ is gone, I'm sad.
• Rememebered how much I love Frusciante and Buckley. And how much more depressed they make me feel.
• "Do you like g**** more maybe?" - my best friend. If only I knew. I kinda do but... fuck.
• Do I feel bad about not going to her b-day? Maybe. She was being a bitch, tho. I'm starting to hate this friend group. But I hate myself more so nevermind. If I went, what would I even talk about??? How I'm locked up in my room 24/7? How I more and more often don't see a living person apart from my parents for 3 days straight? Not that I see my parents anyway, lol. Even they aren't really here. No wonder I'm on my phone all the time. I just need a life. I'm going crazy.
• I didn't update the trackers for like 6 days and I feel even less organised and more lost than usual... lists really do help me not to lose track of time.
• Why is this so cute uwu it shouldn't beeeee. Will hurt, I know it.
• Trash trash trash trash trash trash fuckedfuckedfucked.
• CROSSED THE MAXIMUM WEIGHT RED LINE (90kg). Can't believe I let myself go so much. Officially starting a diet. Starvation might happen. Probably not coz I'm a weak bitch, fml.
• Trying to be brave and talking to mutuals on Twitter. Love it.
• I'm annoying them in there, I know it but can't help so let's keep going :)
• After seeing my cousin pregnant, for the first time I did not feel bad about myself or jealous of her - not my thing so I don't envy her as usual. Only talked about her pregnancy, how sad. It's weird seeing her like that...
• Ordered NCT album, ugh. I just want a good photocard, pls.
• Mood is better • Money always makes things better. LOL
• Have to set my mood to a more positive mode or else everyone in this family will hate me. They already do but like... I might get kicked out if I keep acting like that.
• Don't want to see my cousin tomorrow. Will have another feeling of "not accomplishing anything real in my life".
• G. is getting on my nerves. She's distancing herself from me. I know it's A.'s work, that fucking bitch.
• My mom. I got this defense mode on coz I don't want to get attached and then hurt even tho I know I will hurt anyway when she's gone. She tries to get closer - I push away, she's hurt coz she doesn't know why I do it - I feel bad and want to fix but don't know how and get more annoyed - we both are hurt - tension goes up. Then I think about how she can leave this world every minute and I might leave her with this horrible feeling. I don't want any of them to leave me, please.
• Not really a good start of the month.

March —

• That "She's meditating, she's died" meme makes me laugh a bit too much for no reason at all, really lmao.
• I really want to write a fanfic. Would write a texting one on twitter but I think that would go even worse?? Read a post about how someone has many ideas for fanfics but no skills and went "hmm I don't have either of those so..." Seriously, what would I even write about. I would probably plagiarise something - it's just how my brain works, gets inspired in a wrong way. Kind of like if I read something or see a story I can't make it anything similar, just exactly the same. If I made something myself it would be bad anyway skskskj why bother?
• Michael Seyer's music makes me feel things (are those good kind of things tho??? not necessarily but idk). Kind of like what John frusciante does to me. Should listen to that again actually.
• Fanfics make me feel both good and bad - good coz wow what a story uwu/omg/asdfg. Bad coz wow what a story things like that don't happen irl, do they? Oh and yeah bad coz I get distracted and FAIL AT LIFE, again??? Piece of shit, honestly.
• Try to be nice and they just ignore you... fml. Constantly thinking about shit like that makes me feel crazy. Can't help it tho.
• Should start collecting money for May or I won't be able to go. What is happening to my money all the time???? I'm a working (kind of) person but always no money... get a grip woman.
• What even is sexuality ??????
• Why can't I just get a grip and write that shit... wasted whole 3 months already. Only life fuck-ups act like that. Not doing anything with it makes me anxious, being anxious about it makes me want to run away from it even more=vicious circle of doom.

rememeber: newer shit is above, idiot