December —

• We really might open this dream cafe together... And it was his proposal... I sincerily hope this isn't some kind of overly-emotional idea from him that he will regret soon... You better fucking be sure of everything you say to me right now, A. I won't let you fuck around with my heart again.
• I can't get over The Witcher. It was so fucking good, I can't believe we have to wait so long for the next season... ♫ Toss a coin to your Witcher, o' Valley of Plenty, o' Valley of Plenty o-o-ohh, Toss a coin to your Witcher and friend of humanityyy ♫
• Life is getting slightly better as days pass by... knock, knock.
• I'm going to see Pearl Jam again!!!!!!! FINALLY, I HOPE THEY ALL STAY ALIVE TILL THEN.

October —

• I'm giving him a second chance... Hope my guts are right and I won't regret it and get fucked again... we'll see.
• I started reading webtoons and I'm really enjoying it. Hope this helps me get back into reading after all these years. Plus, maybe it will motivate me to actually start drawing myself.
• Leo DiCaprio looked like a GOD in Romeo & Juliet. This man's eyes are so gorgeously piercing and icy-blue there.
• SCRATCH THAT. PARASITE IS THE BEST MOVIE OF 2019. HOLY FUCK.
• Joker is honestly my movie of the year. Nothing has left me this speechless in a very long time.
• Jongdae's album is literally the definition of comfort & happiness.
• I really fucking like him... I thought I might be able to get over him, but I don't think that can happen anytime soon. Shit.

September —

• I don't care, I'm gonna adopt a cat next year. I need a pet. Gotta think of some cool names.
• I genuinely like Scryptonite, not just because A. likes him. His voice and vibe are so cool. Plus he's kinda hot.
• I hate my boobs with passion, they're the worst part of my body (right next to my one buttock that has that bulge I got after I fell on stairs). But! I just looked up how much breast reduction and lift costs here and holy fuck, I guess it's time to start loving my breasts because I am never gonna be wealthy enough to spend 20k on a surgery. LMAO.
• I really need to read some more feminist literature. Adichie is my focus right now, but also some earlier classics. I just feel so uneducated in this regard, like I know what I think and what to fight for, plus it's not like I haven't read or watched ANYTHING at all. It's just that I'm missing some crucial pieces that would help me be more comfortable and vocal in a conversation about these topics, especially with men. Otherwise I feel like I am gonna be seen as some chaotic angry woman "who just needs good dick" and not someone whose opinion is their own and matters. Crazy that I, as a woman, feel this need to prove myself worthy to be respected by a man, when they don't often seem to feel any shame when speaking about topics they don't have much knowledge on.
• I wanna get an artsy tattoo from manedias once I visit Kyiv next summer. She makes pretty sculpture tattoos so I'm thinking maybe one of my two favourite ones from Louvre? Or both, if I'm crazy enough? Hmm, we'll see, but that is definitely my Ukraine goal for the next trip.

April —

• 100 DAYS MY PRINCE WAS SO AMAZING, wow. I think it topped Moon Lovers for me, coz it was just as well written but had less annoying people like that good male lead, ugh, ew. But OOF KYUNGSOO WOW SO SO SO GOOD.

March —

• I kind of wanna make a kpop or just exo journal. it would be like a scrap book with memories but maybe I'd actually have things to put there unlike my normal one...
• Lucas, the tall cactus died, rip.
• I did it. Idk if I was too harsh, but honestly it was just my pure thoughts, it was the real me, someone I haven't been in a long long time, basically since I started talking to her. That someone who's not afraid to put their mental health first. It was scary but I'm glad I did it. I honestly won't even cry if she says no. I ended too many friendships to care that much at this point. I just hope it doesn't affect her too much, coz u never know... but I don't think it will, I don't think I was actually someone that important to her. So we'll see. Also I really hope G. is wrong and she's not actually following me here... If you are following me here without my knowledge (u know who u are) even tho I told u to never look for my listo again, then stop. This would be so wrong on so many levels, good God.

February —

• Sometimes reading fanfics that are even slightly angsty makes me question what love and relationships are all about. Like I start to imagine myself in these situations and either get scared of being tied down by somebody OR the opposite, someone not wanting to be only with me and I start thinking "what do I actually want from a potential relationship?". Dunno, it's just making me feel weird. I still like it.
• It's been two weeks since we stopped talking. At first it was really really hard and I was just so SAD and unhappy, but as the time goes by I am less and less bothered about whatever she does. Still am, just... I get over things quicker. On the other hand... she's starting to annoy me a lot, like the things she posts when I check from time to time just... idk she annoys me. It's probably coz I'm just waititng for her to tell me she misses me like she's missing others and so that I can then tell her I don't really miss her that much. I don't know... I really feel kind of... not happier per se but maybe... calmer... I'm not sure if I want to try and be friends again coz I'm afraid this obsession will come back. But also I know that the longer we don't talk the more difficult it will be to start talking again. But honestly I don't think we should start talking right now. I'm still not over everything, over her. And I didn't even have time to do all the things I want to, I just had exam season. So I think I'll wait till the end of march, should have it all figured out by then, including uni and other shit I'm dealing with. Yes. I need to say "no" if she tries talking to me. But also... I'll feel very hurt if she doesn't and I'M gonna be the one that has to reach out. Coz if she expects that will happen, she is mistaken. I am a pro at deleting people from my life. If she doesn't text me till end of march then guess I was right and she doesn't care about me/us at all. Which will hurt but then again... nothing new. I'm always the person who loves more, cares more and needs more. But remember, I can erase you from my life in just two weeks, S.

January —

• What a mess... I don't even know how to pour out my thoughts here tbh...
• I feel ignored by her when I don't think I should be coz now I know she had bad two weeks. But at the same time it's like she didn't want to talk to me specifically even about where she's going or what she's doing like we always do. I'm not usually this jealous and paranoid but I'm just used to knowing what she's up to and talking all the time. But now I didn't even feel like I can talk to her about how anxious I am now coz it felt like if she doesn't have time for everyday convo, I will be burdening her with smth more serious. It sucks not coz I feel like I'm losing a friend but coz I was so used to smth and now I'm getting irritated and then she suddenly wants to talk but I'm still pissed so I'm acting cold and fidgety... idk. It feels shitty, especially coz she says the same shit as always like "come talk to me if u need to" and I say it too but I can feel it's not the same. That listography thing might have fucked things up more than she admits. She says it's nothing and that it's not my fault and I agree but still... Things are weird. Plus I'm not supportive of her fangirling over Lucas or Jungwoo coz I simply can't fake that I like them more than I do • and I feel like she thinks that's shitty of me coz she's "always supportive of other ppl talking about what they love even if she doesn't stan", UGH! I don't think this will last forever as we wished. Now that I'm writing this I can see some similarities between S. and J. Not many but mostly with how the time we're irritated with each other takes up more space than when we're actually cool, honest, nice and enjoying our convos. Plus she doesn't listen when I tell her that her leaving me on read or not responding after one message is pissing me off. Like she says sorry and then she's even worse. I hate this. I don't want this to be fucked up:/ But I'm more stressed and annoyed with this friendship than happy. And I'm pretty sure she feels the same just thinks she's a great person so she gotta act nice on the surface. God if I keep going I might start hating her D:
• I don't think I ever felt this paranoid. Just the thought that she might have come here and seen all the things I wrote about being in love with her... My mind just WENT places. I'm glad I didn't block her tho coz I think that might have broken our friendship in a way that would not be possible to mend. But God, an hour of thinking I'd been so exposed against my will was pure torture. I'm not risking with any irl finding this acc again. Also I still feel a little weird, even after all the things we said and how we mended everything. Because I feel like even tho she said SHE is the one scared of me leaving for good, I feel like she might come to the conclusion soon that all the situations that accumulated recently are too much for her health and that she is the one that has to leave... But I can't even tell her that now coz I don't think bringing up what happened again is a good idea plus I don't think her telling me again that she loves me and won't leave me will make me believe it more and give me peace of mind... So I'll just try to treat her better and love her not just with words. God I wanna hug her so much. I never want to make her feel anything other than happiness again. And I know it wasn't my fault that my paranoia kicked in at that moment. But I still feel guilty simply coz she was feeling horrible too. And I never want her to feel like that again. Never.
• This year started in a very emotional and crazy way. First when clock hit midnight I got very emotional about S. and how much we both mean to each other. Then JENKAI happened. I never thought I'd actually feel so hurt over this, I always told myself that I'd just be excited for him right away. But god, my heart just broke. I processed it all overnight tho and realised (with my friends and S.'s help) that it's normal to feel a little pain and my feelings are valid. But then it all went away. All of that pain steadily started vanishing and now there's only happiness left in my heart, just like I wanted to. Tho still, I don't know Jennie and maybe there's this tiny bit of insecurity if she really is right for him and will treat him the way he deserves to be treated... But I have to trust Jongin, he is the love of my life after all. If I couldn't trust him then what would be the point. So overall: I am HAPPY he got himself someone who can actually hug him and comfort him when he needs it. I love you so much, Nini ♡

rememeber: newer shit is above, idiot