- sometimes sweating in front of an open window, refreshing a laptop page to watch numbers strain to climb, is better than thinking about people you ought to love less - who, incidentally, are the people who could afford to love you more. finding solace in shoving familiar boring flavours into your mouth stopped working years ago, yet you continue to do it in the hopes that you won't feel so miserably alone. elastic shorts ride up and you don't care how fat you are when your thighs stick to your desk chair and it somehow doesn't feel as summery as it did a week ago. your mind is endlessly shuffling through possible permaplaces to settle down in the future: washington heights, coronado, broadmeadows, bethesda, the docklands. you do it regularly as a defence mechanism, as you can't seem to figure out your future (even when other people look at you like you have it all figured out). you can't really afford to try again once you make a decision, unless you somehow wheedle your way into a fantastic job, but your ingrained qualities will definitely be adversarial to this goal because you're not really sure how to do things ever. (25.6)
- you'll always think you're okay and that absence doesn't really make the heart grow fonder. and to be honest, it doesn't. it's the seeing, afterward, that makes you realise that you missed them all that time and that you can't imagine anyone else where they've been in your heart and it hurts a little bit to think that, for a while, you forgot. (28.6)
- it feels like truth and it feels like reality when i feel your broad chest pressed against my back and you're drawing bears coloured like milks on my calf as we wait and tailgate and i wake up filled with something like pressed longing. (6.7)
- and of course we've forgotten that we all still grow older, and maybe not wiser. i strain my eyes glaring down at a screen smaller than the palm of your hand (bigger than mine, though) because i can't be arsed to stand up out of bed and put on my glasses. i spend most of my time thinking and crying about all of this impossible celebrity and the cult of personality that i'd drag along with me, yet when it's my time to drop down three little letters and maybe your first name, i will always have more than enough good words to say about you. (3.8)
jun 25 2012 ∞
may 14 2013 +