• All people who constantly talk at me and think we're friends- "Just because I'm a good listener does not mean I'm your best friend or interested in dating you. I'm just being polite."
• J.S.- "You are a tool, so please stop calling me when you're feeling nostalgic. We're not friends and you know it. I can tell you hope my life sucks when you call so you can feel better about yourself; however, I've realized that it's rather awesome and 100x better without you in it. So suck it."
• All relatives on my dad's side- "Let's not pretend that we even remotely know each other. Stop inviting me to holiday dinners and ignoring me--I don't care if it's 'tradition.' Plus, you're all weird. And jello salad is gross, get a new cookbook."
• ✔ To the horrible smell emanating from the kitchen sink- "OH GOD YOU SMELL LIKE A SAUCER FULL OF SPOILED MILK WITH DEAD KITTENS IN IT. WHY DO MY APPLIANCES SUCK."
• D.M.- "You're my idol. Please marry me."

To be continued... hahaha!