Season Five

• Kenneth: I hope I photograph okay, because when I look in a mirror there's just a white haze.
• Liz: Who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old.
• Liz: Jack, what are you doing? You promised me a drama free dinner. I could be sitting at the corner table at the K-Mart Cafe right now.
• Jenna: Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit.
• Jenna: You are going to win, and when you do I'll be furious. Like waking up next to Rob Schneider furious.
• Steve: But if we have to have a government, make it as small as possible...dwarves, tiny buildings, pizza bagels for lunch.
• Liz: Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor.
• Tracy: If I won an Oscar everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read Oscar-winner, instead of children's soccer heckler.
• Jenna: The writers can't take a car service at night anymore. I've crunched the numbers and it's cheaper for us to just replace anyone who gets murdered.
• Liz: You can't force fate, you just have to let it wash over you like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily.

Season Four

• Tracy: [on his new movie] Garfield 3: Feline Groovy. It's a pun. Because cats' paws have grooves. They're paying me one million teacher salaries.
• Liz: God, three weddings in one day, I'm going to be in Spanx for 12 hours. My elastic line is gonna get infected again.
• Liz: I know this is a difficult time for you, but word of advice: if the will says that you have to spend the night in a haunted house, you better hope that everyone else there are black people or sluts.
• Jack: [on Geiss] We'd sit on his veranda talking about politics, business, how not to get paper cuts when making love on a pile of money.
• Liz: [to Jenna] What's going on? Why are you being so happy and nice? Are you soaking your tampons in vodka again?
• Jack: Honestly, these immigrants have a tough life, no health care, and I kind of just thought he'd die before it became a thing.
• Jenna: I had this thing where I kept running into Michael Douglas, then I realized it was just some old lady who lives in my building.
• Tracy: [on stalking] That's a real problem in the celebrity community. But if Beyonce would just answer one of my letters, I'd stop trying to break into her house.
• Liz: [on V-day plans] One word: oral ... two words: oral surgery.
• Liz: There are some things that are actually harder to do with two people, like ... monologues.
• Pete: While you were talking, I put a thumb tack in my neck. Makes me feel something.
• Jenna: [on her mother] I'm sure she's down there, chain-smoking, sitting on the curb, waiting for me to come out. Just like the day I was born.
• Jack: What keeps people polite on airplanes? A shared hatred for the CBS sitcoms they're forced to watch.
• Toofer: I went to college in Boston. Well, not in Boston, but nearby. No, not Tufts!
• Liz: You can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless.
• Toofer: But my biggest problem with Quidditch is: If the Snitch is 150 points, why does anyone bother with the with the Quaffle?
• Tracy: [to Kenneth] That's the whole thing, K-Fed. Why don't the Catholics eat meat on Fridays? Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's!
• Liz: I can't wear contacts because the doctors say my eyeballs are too pointy.
• Jack: Lemon has a decision to make. She can either be crushed by me, or she can suck in her stomach and crawl back through the tiny hole I've left for her in the proverbial door.

Season Three

• Kenneth: Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.
• Jack: Since Giuliani left it's getting harder to harvest hobo organs.
• Jack: You know what family means to me Lemon? Resentment, guilt, anger, Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.
• Liz: If I have learned anything from my Sims family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level with drop until he pees himself.
• Len: Everyone has something to hide. For instance, I'm wearing a child's Halloween costume under this.
• Jack: [to Liz's offer of a hug] What is this, the Italian parliament? No, thank you.
• Tracy: You treat me like a child! No, worse than that. Like one of those pageant girls with the clip-on teeth.
• Tracy: I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday!
• Liz: Allergies are psychosomatic. The only reason I'm allergic to dogs is because one bit me when I got my first period.
• Tracy: Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.
• Liz: We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.
• Jenna: You know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? Well, naturally, we assumed you were a serial killer, and as you can imagine, your bird is dead.
• Liz: We're in final negotiations to provide exclusive content to America's jails!
• Kenneth: Yes, the rest of us talked about it last night at Finnegan's, the bar we go to after work. In my dreams.
• Pete: It's a massacre! I can't go back to teaching high school math. Those girls pretend they're not women, but they are.
• Jack: The closest I came to vomiting tonight is when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.
• Jack: [to Tracy] Your contract expressly prohibits dangerous activities, like extreme sports or riding the subway on St. Patrick's Day.
• Tracy: If you have a spaceship and you're looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and $30 million, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow. I wrote that yesterday.
• Liz: [on plan to get off jury duty] "I've got my Princess Leia outfit and my copies of Playgirl magazines from the early '80s."
• Liz: [as Princess Leia] I really don't think it's fair for me to be on a jury since I'm a hologram.
• Larry King: We're here with Tracy Jordan, who just recounted, by the way, the entire plot of the movie Teen Wolf.
• Liz: Mandy. Is that a male friend, like Mandy Patinkin?
• Jack: I have faith ... in things that I can buy and sell and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion.
• Elisa: How dare you say such things so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues!
• Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
• Jack: Way to tell me something I already knew. What are you, The Huffington Post?
• Jenna: Look at you and me and our biological clocks. You're baby crazy, and I'm turned on by car accidents.
• Liz: One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I'm really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and I didn't leave right away!
• Tracy: How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? I mean they have every race and life form from all over the galaxy but no Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?
• Jack: Show her the ugly duckling has turned into a vaguely ethnic swan.

Season Two

• Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.
• Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing thumbs at self] This moi.
• Kenneth: I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the Devil's temperature!
• Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
• Jack: Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'll fight them. You have a gimpy right knee, right?
• Jenna: Oh, it's the Japanese porn star diet. I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want, so...
• Jack: Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married.

Season One

• Tracy: The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street, they're members, too, and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb.
• Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
• Dr. Spaceman: Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the '60s.
• Kenneth: We lose half the congregation every time American Idol starts up.
• Liz: You can't solve all your problems by shooting someone or setting a stranger on fire.
• Tracy: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.
• Liz: Why do you sound surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America.
• Liz: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. No, no, I did read the card but it's not signed.... no, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... well, that is just... oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!