- Michael- boy I liked in preschool; he was blonde and cute but I saw him once after moving from Charlotte and he'd cut his hair and I decided he wasn't cute anymore; I was like 3 at the time, but I did name my grandma's cat after him
- Jeff- my other preschool boyfriend but I knew him at Bright Horizons in Columbia; I only kissed him on the cheek, but Laura kissed him on the mouth and I was horrified at my sister's betrayal; after he licked a table that had Windex on it one day I decided he was stupid and I didn't like him anymore
- Josh Cooper- wrote me a Christmas card that said I Love Me and I thought he meant he liked me; he drew a snowman on it; we were friends and I thought he was my boyfriend until he broke my heart one day on the playground by saying he hated all girls
- Derrick- liked him in 4th grade; thought he was really cute and we were good friends for a few years
- Clay- the cutest boy in elementary school who was in my class in 2nd and 5th grades; he was the cameraman for the school news show and I was the anchor in 5th grade, and according to the rest of the team we used to flirt all the time; I still liked him until 6th grade when he was separated into the different TLC class that was in the morning; he was really good friends with my best friend in middle school Carmelita so I still talked to him a lot until we went to high school
- Will- my first really good guy friend; we used to talk across the back of the classroom in Ms. Jackson's class in 5th grade and I'd have to put my glasses on so I could see him better; he was also Clay's best friend, and my best friend at the time Jaimie liked both of them as well; I spelled smallpox wrong in the spelling bee because he distracted me so badly and had just come back from South America that day; I used to love it when my friend Tori would tell me she had seen these notes that Will had written about liking me; I always tried to sit next to him when we were reading in Ms. Lawther's class so our legs would brush against each other (I was a weird 11 year old); he went to Heathwood Hall for middle school but we were in Cotillion together in 6th gradeand I danced with him like 10 times at the Winter and Spring Balls- one time when we were supposed to go ask someone to dance I was sitting next to him and I stood up and turned righ back around awkwardly because I was scared I wouldn't get to dance with him- I don't think we ever spoke again after the spring dance though we are facebook friends now
- Logan Mynatt- supposedly liked me when we went to Earthshine and wrote a journal entry about me when Jaimie had abandoned me on the ropes course; he was tall but very awkward; I didn't really like him but I was flattered that he had a crush on me; we danced together at Robin's Bat Mitzvah party and he wouldn't look at me; his best friend later told me it was because he had never danced with a girl before that point
- John Smarr- sat next to me when we were both slackers in the trumpet section; he was really cute, but he dated my friend Molly; he also knew about my crush on Tim and would tell me that if I thought of Tim I would be able to play my scales better; we had a lot of fun being slackers together before I started practicing all the time and went from second to last chair to first chair after the summer after 6th grade; Laura liked him in 8th grade but I still enjoyed dancing with him at parties and he would always say, "Thank you for the dance."
- Dan Marino- sat on the other side of me in the 6th grade trumpet section; he was fairly oblivious to my flirting attempts, but he was really cute and a lot of the girls liked him; he dated my friend Lexi for a few years; he also used to defend me when Ben would call me fat and say that Ben was clearly blind and not used to beautiful girls
- Tate- a twin at my church who I liked throughout middle school and I was always terrified he would find out; my best friend Cathy at church would always try to make him guess who liked him; he was the fall back guy I would like whenever I got bored because he was really cute and I really liked talking to him even though he always made me feel slow; he also wore really nice smelling cologne- I think it was Curve which I really liked at the time
- Tim- I decided to like him in 6th grade (literally I said to myself I think I could like him)and Carmelita told him I liked him within the week, which was a little annoying; he was listed as the boy I liked on some weird website that Ben started during the summer to keep track of such things but Tim always liked Aimee Schmidt; I stopped liking Tim for a long time after my failed attempt at asking him out which Ben told me to do during the summer after 6th grade; in 8th grade I began talking to Tim on AIM for hours on end and we became really good friends, even though I barely saw him at school; I remember thinking he was such an adorable guy when he told me he carried his sister to bed after she had fallen asleep in his room; he shaved his head at the end of 8th grade at our graduation party and I was horrified; I remember dancing with him at the party and crying because all the guys were going to Spring Valley High School and I thought I would miss him the most; after this though I decided that he had only been my replacement for my love for Ben, and he had continued his obsession with Aimee through the end of 8th grade despite sending me a very nice e-mail about how much he appreciated that I liked him and what a fabulous girl I was
- Ben- liked one of my best friends Taylor in 6th grade and I was the one who told him that she liked him and they "dated" for a few months at least; we talked a lot on AIM having like 3 hour conversations and we talked a fair amount on the phone too; he was involved in trying to set me up with his friend Tim in 6th grade; I didn't start liking Ben until 7th grade, but he had a lot of girlfriends that I was jealous of since he always seemed to be dating someone; we danced together at a lot of parties, but my favorite time was at Robin's Bat Mitzvah party when she rented a hotel ballroom and Ben grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor and said,"Let's dance" like it was an incredibly natural thing for us to do; he was an atheist and we talked a lot about my Christian beliefs, and when we left middle school he said that I had taught him a lot about religion and he professed to be a Christian at the time; he tried to set me up with Jason in 8th grade after Jason had said I was beautiful, but he wouldn't date me because he was in high school and I wasn't; after 8th grade even though I had liked Tim, I thought he had been a replacement for Ben who had stopped being as much of my friend, and at this point before I went to Europe I decided to declare my love by e-mail; after this Ben became really cruel to me at several parties according to several of his friends because I had "changed our relationship by declaring my love" and he was "pushing me away" and kept talking about how fat I was and my friends all got mad at him for a while; he e-mailed me to apologize while I was at Bonclarken and was with Harry, but I had gotten over my craziness about him when I was in Europe for 2 weeks; we talked at 2 football games freshman year, one in which he told Jason he was "lucky" to be dating me (but he said it in a sarcastic way); we did not talk again until we became facebook friends and he sent me a message freshman year of college
- Chase- the boy that all the girls liked in 7th and 8th grade and for some reason we always told him he had a nice ass; we were good friends and he was adorable, but I wasn't that into him; I always wanted him to date my friend Betsy who had the thing going where they were best friends and she was in love with him; Jaimie was super obsessed with him too
- Steve Honeycutt- for some reason I always referred to him by his full name, maybe because my friend Cathy met him at my birthday party and said, "Steve Honeycutt is hot." He was extremely into keeping his hair perfect at all times and he always carried this comb. He sat in front of me in Latin class and I always tried to help him because I was so much better at Latin than him; he made Latin less boring because I could flirt with him, but I really only liked him because he was cute and we had good conversations; we danced together at some parties and I do remember getting a really good hug from him at the graduation party (though I think I was crying at the time)
- RI- dated my friend Elizabeth Prinz for a long time; we had bizarrely intense conversations particularly on the phone and he always psychoanalyzed other guys in my life- I also remember him calling Harry's cell phone and telling me he sounded old; I found him very intellectually interesting, but I never really liked him in a romantic way
- Carlton- dated my friend Kenya; he played drums and sat behind the trumpet line and he used to flirt with me a lot and I found talking to him exciting; he also knew Jason so he would have discussions with me about why that relationship wouldn't work; he also dated Jogie and Kayla for a long time (it was probably like a month but it seemed long at the time), and frequently talked about how beautiful mixed children were so he liked dating white girls
- Harry- another boy that I randomly decided to like after spending a week with him hanging out at Brantley's house that we were staying at during Horizon; he was best friends with Jim who liked Kara and we always used to go to the gym to see if the guys were playing basketball; one day I fell asleep on the couch with him sitting next to me and Jim pushed my head down on Harry's shoulder before I woke up; he was average looking, but very pale; he said he liked me during the week and I decided I wanted a boyfriend so then I woke up the day we left and decided to ask him out; he said yes and was supposedly my boyfriend for a month, but he lived in Greenwood and we only saw each other for 1 week at music conference-we were in different choirs at the time and he was avoiding me for the most part even though we were supposed to be together; I also remember that he did one of those surveys about the person who sent it to you and he knew nothing about me including my eye color and possibly my last name; I pathetically called him a lot including just to hear his voice mail and wrote a 10 things I hate about you style poem at Carmelita's house; our break up was very odd consisting of me asking him if we were still dating (on the phone) and him saying I guess not- you should say it's because of the distance; we still talked throughout the year though and when he found out I'd never been kissed he made it this mission of his to give me my first kiss-I think he put it on his personal website too- I don't know why all these boys I liked had these weird websites; when I saw him that summer at music conference he acted like we were dating and would sing to me frequently which was kind of odd but nice; this same week I feel like he had an umbrella one day when there was a huge storm and I looked drowned and he didn't walk me to my door which was annoying, and I remember on Tuesday we were sitting together and he did this thing where he bit my ear which was supposed to be sexy but so wasn't, and I was sitting on top of uncomfortable pine straw; he also got jealous of this other boy named Matt who was hanging around some of the time; we had a weird conversation about if I loved Ben because I had received an e-mail from him and then we went outside and he told me this story about some book he had read where this guy fell in love with women all the time randomly and explained to me that he was like that and also claimed his ADHD made him unable to commit- we were sitting on a rock by the lake and also I remember leaning up against a golf cart and I was extremely aggravated with him but I had to go home on Wednesday to go to rookie band camp, where I told Jason all this stuff about Harry; I remember listening to A Walk to Remember soundtrack and singing It's Gonna Be Love and thinking of Harry; I came back to Bonclarken for the concert on Friday and afterwards I walked off with Harry and I was starving and ate Cheez-Its that Matt walked by with; behind the motel where we were staying there was a cluster of trees that I went into with Harry where he kissed me after a long time of me claiming I wasn't going to kiss him and then I lied and said I loved him too after this; then I ran away and he stole my ribbon for some reason and I yelled at him that I wished I had kissed Jason and the next day I was really cold to him when we left Bonclarken; later I found out that while I was gone he wrote a letter declaring his love for Kara, and for a few days he kept trying to tell me he loved me and claiming that "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" defined how he felt about me; he eventually said I was right and that he didn't love me; I saw him for several more years at the ARP events like Bonclarken retreats/Appalachia Mission Trip/music conference but he told me on AIM that I annoyed him because I complained so much and I decided I didn't want to try to be friends with him anymore; we had very awkward encounters after this year though he did still hug me really intensely and Kara would always say he never seemed to be over me for the next few years; I convinced myself I never really liked him until I became extremely jealous my senior year of high school at music conference when I saw him with another girl
- Jim- Harry's best friend who I thought was extremely cute and he was a really good singer; my favorite memory of him was singing "My Girl" in Brantley's kitchen; he dated Kara for a while but he always liked her more than she liked him; he told me he wanted to date me when I had started dating Jason, but even though I broke up with Jason very quickly Jim wasn't interested anymore; he also offered to kiss Laura since she had never been kissed; later Harry hurt my feelings by telling me at Appalachia that I was completely delusional to think that Jim had ever liked me, and he apparently talked to Cathy about this delusion I had created as well
- Jason-there's way too much to say about this boy who I've known for 10 years of my life; I met him when we were the only people who tried out for All State Band when I was in 7th grade and he told me I inspired him to practice more because I was so good at playing the trumpet; he used to tease me a lot when he would see me when he was with his friends and I was with mine; he began talking to me when the 7th and 8th grade bands combined for Festival Band practice and I found him really annoying because he was constantly harassing me and asking weird questions like where I lived; he tried to get me to join marching band as an 8th grader but I was going to drama camp and couldn't go to band camp and I thought it was super weird to be in marching band when you weren't in high school; he sent me music to play over the summer from his flip folder though; I saw him again at Aileen's birthday party in 8th grade where Carmelita caused controversy by claiming Stacey liked him; he knew Kayla because they went to Australia together; because of this party Carm referred to him as the harasser because he supposedly touched her, but all I really remember from the party is being impressed by his abs when we went swimming and seeing this video footage of the party where I was standing with him and looked super into him; after this was when he said I was beautiful and better looking than Molly who Ben liked at the time and Harry talked to him on AIM and told him he would still be dating me if he didn't live so far away, but Jason refused to date me despite the fact that he said he had liked me before but this girl named Erin had asked him out at that point; I saw him at the fair in October, but other than that I really didn't see him and he went to the back of my mind until I sent him some e-mail before I went to Europe where I said I was mad he wouldn't date me; I remember our mutual friend Dione asking me in Europe if I was going to try to date him and I didn't know at the time; I saw him that next summer when he came to help out at rookie band camp; we had a lot of very flirtatious conversations during band camp and he said he liked me, but he had been in love with this other girl named Sarah who he always talked about being super "unique" and I made him mad when I saw her and said she was unattractive and he always told me all negative things his friends said about me like Carlie saying that when I was in Europe she had decided that I sounded like I had an IQ of 3; regardless of all this because I liked him so much he asked me out after several notes had been lost that Paula and Taylor were supposed to give me but literally 2 days after he became my boyfriend he wrote me a note saying he was still hurting over Sarah but didn't want to hurt me anymore; I also had a very dramatic meeting with Sarah where she confused me because she kept judging what I was saying when she was asking me if I was super happy that I was dating Jason; she also said she thought our relationship would last 2 months and 5 days in the relationship pool going on among the sophomore Horizon class; of course he broke up with me on Thursday at lunch after he had gotten jealous about me talking to Julian and I chased after him and he shoved my hand off his shoulder and I fell to the ground with my trumpet and scraped my hand and bent the bell of the horn; Ms. Lucas thought I was abused; I also cried dramatically in the middle of the courtyard and tried to run to the bathroom but it was locked to keep people from smoking marijuana in it; random people who weren't my friends surrounded me and Dione yelled at me for crying in public; then I still had to go to the Homecoming game and see Jason since he was in the trumpet section with me; I remember a lot of my friends yelling at him for dumping me at the game; to make matters worse we had to go to this full day Festival of Bands on Saturday where he kept saying we could be friends with benefits and we kept fighting to the point where he almost hit me and he called me a bitch that night and our section leader intervened and had a meeting with us the next Monday saying if we couldn't get our issues under control it would hurt the trumpet section and yelling at us about having Saturday night fights; the rest of the year he couldn't decide who he liked and continued to flirt with me and he also liked a girl named Jasmine who was an extremely fit dancer and could have killed me in a fight (she also laughed at me because she was standing nearby when he broke up with me)at several points I wrote notes telling him I was done with him and that I was tired of dealing with him when he didn't give a shit about me and he would get mad at me for trying to tell him how he felt; sophomore year Jason and I became really close again during marching band season and he told the rest of the section he was going to ask me out again but chaperones (including my mother) were always being placed behind us because everyone thought we were making out on the band bus; then Jason became convinced "society was against us" and we didn't date then either and I wrote some dramatic poetry about the whole situation for English class;the only other good thing that happened was he gave me a really nice birthday card where he said he would stay in marching band only for me, and would always be there for me; then my really good friend Jaimie and he liked each other that Spring and I would see them at lunch and be unable to eat, but then he decided she was slutty because she only stood with like 6 guys and me at lunch and she flirted with all of them and decided not to date her but he initially blamed me for ruining the best week of high school for him; he continued to get mad at me for talking about him in front of our mutual friends on this spring break trip but the next year I tried to avoid him and was fairly successful because he changed sections to play the horn; we barely talked junior year, but we still had several fights and his friends kept telling him he needed to date me again instead of liking these girls from other schools, including Matt's ex-girlfriend Ashley Cotter; he wouldn't take me to prom but he danced with me the whole night; senior year was the first time he came to my house when he was leaving for college the next day, and I called him every 2 weeks because I missed him so much; Laura asked him to come by over New Year's as her present to me, and he did and he came home frequently and came around RNE and every time I saw him I couldn't breathe; I managed to ask him to prom though I made up a story about a date that fell through which wasn't actually true because if I hadn't asked him I probably would have gone alone, though I did initially have a plan that I could ask my best friend Julian and his parents punished him by not letting him go to prom; at prom many people asked if we were dating, but nothing happened after this; I only saw him once over the summer in July when all our friends went bowling and we barely spoke and I didn't see him again until he came to Duke the end of February sophomore year; I still talked to him fairly frequently when I went to college, including some fun drunk dialing times freshman year, but as the years progressed I talked to him less and less since he never made the effort to call me for the most part, and I was trying really hard to move on though I thought of him all the time (particularly in yoga when they tell you to clear your mind); when he came to Duke I felt like I was back in high school again and said lots of awkward things like telling him he had broken my heart; when I was in Venice I didn't talk to him at all and I decided I would stop trying to get over him and just accept that I might never fully be over it; then we had another bizarrely intense conversation when I called him after having roommate problems in March of this year; the conversation should have provided closure, but it didn't; now I just continue to accept that I'm never going to be over him completely,but he usually stays at the back of my mind now; so much has changed since last summer with Jason; he got upset when I called him out on not making an effort to hang out with me or maintain our friendship, but we went to lunch before I went back to school for senior year and he hung out at my house and helped me pack when going back to college; he started talking to me on facebook chat a lot during that first semester; when I went home for Christmas he told me he wanted to hang out and we went to dinner at Red Lobster; dinner was somewhat awkward at times and I wanted to kiss him when we left but didn't do anything and dinner felt so short; Valentine's Day weekend he came to Duke for a basketball game and apparently to do a relationship test; he got me some perfume, candy, and a hanger that would hold my jewelry; we had so many problems that weekend starting with the fact that I hadn't actually gotten an ID card for him to get into the game; he also fell asleep at the DUI does Twilight thing; he was very protective of me in the snow though; I felt like he kept trying to trick me into saying I loved him because he kept asking why I was nervous; on Saturday after the drama of getting him into the game with my friend Salem's card we saw the woman he worked with at Furman; we both hadn't slept well because it made me so nervous to have him in my apartment even in the next room so we tried to nap after the game; I couldn't sleep so I went into my room to read then when he woke up, he came and laid down on my bed next to me; I told him about how I had felt about him all these years and it seemed like instead of apologizing he decided to kiss me; I said What the f are you doing? very softly and talked for a bit but then he kissed me again; I was leaning up towards him from the bed, but after a little bit I stopped kissing him and said, "We can't do this" then he said he knew me and that I wasn't fine though I claimed to be; I asked him to lay there with me and that's what we did but then I shocked him by saying I didn't want to be in a relationship with him; I was trying to reassure him that I didn't expect him to commit to me just because he kissed me, though he said he prob shouldn't have done it (and I was sick and made him sick so that was bad but it was the only time we kissed so I definitely don't regret it); he got offended when my friend Ginny said he hadn't been a good friend and I didn't defend him; Sami was rude to him at church but he seemed all right after church; that night (Valentine's Day) I had been sleeping on the couch all day because of my illness and woke up to find this message where Jason confessed that he had been thinking of being in a relationship with me lately and had thought that I could be the one and that he could see us in a long term relationship, even marriage; however, he also said I was a bad friend to him and that he had never been a bad friend to me; I was shell-shocked by the information and responded promptly; I also told him that when he kissed me it was one of the best moments of my life; he didn't respond to my message until July after we went out for drinks/dessert July 4th weekend; in the intervening time I kept him informed about my law school decisions and spring break; after I decided to basically put everything on the line and tell him how I loved him, but didn't think that we were right for each other he responded that he loved me too and he didn't think we were over, but he didn't want me to wait for him while he figured out his life; I'm not sure if it's enough even if he does love me back because I still think that the right woman for him is probably not me and that there is a different right man for me; he never actually said he loved me though until this response to my honest reply; I want to move on but I can't help but be surprised at his unexpected sweetness, and I don't think I'll forget that he said he loved me ever; I hope if nothing else that we will always be great friends; I'm still scared he is the love of my life and I won't find anyone I love as much as I have loved him; I'm praying that I am wrong and God has a better plan for me than pining for a guy who has seemed unable to express his love on numerous occasions; of course now I slept with him, and so he will always be the guy I lost my virginity to; hopefully we will have a better sexual experience at some point, but I just don't know if I can/should wait; God's timetable is making me impatient; nothing seems to happen when I want it to
- Matt Meadows- my best male friend in 9th grade and the only Asian guy I've ever had a crush on; I was too oblivious to realize he liked me because I was blinded by my infatuation with Jason and by the time I realized I liked him he claimed we were too good of friends to date and ruin our relationship; he wrote me a message about all the reasons Jason needed to realize I was the one and called me charming, and he searched the city to find one of my favorite movies Some Kind of Wonderful for me for my birthday before finding it in NC; we went to the movies a lot together and he used to call me and say weird things like if you stayed on the phone long enough you could fall in love with someone; he liked my friends Emily and Aileen, and dated Evann and Elizabeth, which made me jealous because we couldn't be as close when he had a girlfriend; I always thought he would end up with my friend Jaimie because they had a very intense relationship/friendship but nothing every really happened between them; he became very angry at me in the spring and contributed to this list that rated all the Horizon girls and gave me very low scores; we were in the same table group sophomore year in AP Euro and we became friends again, but we were never as close as we were freshman year; we danced together at prom junior year and eventually he just always acknowledged that I couldn't get over Jason and he accepted that; he became more popular and hung out with me less and we've barely spoken since going to college except for a few times through facebook
- Matt Livingston- the boy who made Harry jealous and had a crush on me after freshman year of high school; he was extremely awkward and for some reason claimed to be from France even though he was from Brevard, NC; he also claimed to me that J'taime meant Hello in French- maybe he had just been to France once? He had beautiful blue eyes and he was a swimmer. I remember playing Blackjack with him on his phone for like an hour during devotional time, and he kept saying I was his good luck charm; He frequently did the thing where boys stretch and put their arms around you; he also tried to give me a massage one time and completely failed; I got very angry at him for not coming to say goodbye to be very early in the morning on the last day of music conference and Harry's little brother awkwardly asked me why I let Matt put his arm around me in front of Harry; Matt put my number in his cell phone but never called me until the next March at which point I was very rude to him; he was supposed to come the next summer but despite dropping by his house I never saw anyone but his brother; we have not spoken since, although we are facebook friends
- John Schooler- the only other boy I actually liked in high school other than Jason; he was adorable and helped me in Chemistry class; I never liked him anywhere near as much as Jason, though I claimed to some of my friends that I did so that everyone wouldn't know how pathetic I was; he was ultimately too conservative for me and he didn't really believe in dating unless you were searching for a wife; I found my conversations with him very interesting though
- Zach- the first guy I liked in college; he was my FAC and we had several long conversations about Duke and books we had read and I thought he was really cute; after orientation week he kind of disappeared and I've only seen him like twice since freshman year
- Jonathan- completely not my type- blond frat looking guy; courier at the law firm but he would make my days less boring by talking to me and it was fairly entertaining to listen to his stories; he made me feel included at work when it was my first time back since 5 years before when I had worked as a courier; I was very sad when he left in July the summer after sophomore year because he was my best friend at work besides Brittny and I couldn't talk to her as much once she became my dad's paralegal; pretty sure he was dating someone based on his facebook profile, though he never mentioned anyone
- Eric Anderson- an extremely cute Robertson scholar who was in my biology class sophomore year of college; I was bored and wanted to like someone and it was exciting just to talk to him
- Ryan Gelchion- guy from BC in the Venice program who was the quintessential All American looking guy; he was nice to everyone and was the only person who really made an effort to try to include Laura and me; I loved talking to him during Modern Art class and talking at the vaporetto stops; he was the only one that made me feel comfortable when I was feeling alone in Venice; I felt like we were good friends at the time, but he had a girlfriend and then I thought he started dating one of the other girls in the program; at the time I loved to see him smile at me but it took me forever to realize I liked him; one of my favorite memories of him is when he rapped at midnight at the farewell party and taking pictures with him in the middle of me and Laura because he had really nice arms/hugging him (I never saw that picture either I don't know what happened to it); I cried because I knew I'd probably never see him again when we left; after we left Venice, we didn't really have anything in common anymore and I feel no need to talk to him
- Greg- beautiful football player from my Soc Methods class that noticed me first and introduced himself at a Cambridge meeting that I went to; we've had several bizarrely intense conversations about our faith and about my issues with my roommate and he has tried to give me advice about dealing with resentment and frequently prays for me; he always spoke to me in class and could melt my heart by smiling at me across the room; hopefully he stays in Durham to keep working with Campus ministries
may 21 2009 ∞
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aug 21 2023 +